My thoughts when a lover doesn't show up. Stream of Consciousness #9

Stream of Consciousness = a flow of uncensored thoughts written down.

The value I hope to give you by posting this on the internet is to show you an intimate look inside the mind of another human being. It might show you that we’re all a little bit crazy and a little bit geniuses. It might bring you relief in the form of recognition, and it might bring you inspiration in the form of wonderful thoughts you have never heard before. It might also bring you laughter because sometimes my mind is just a ridiculous, funny mess! ;)

This Stream of Consciousness (#9) specifically contains a lot on the topics of:

• Resentment versus generosity in the business partnership with my sister breaking up
• A polyamorous lover not showing up for our scheduled video calls
• Are judgments fair?

Germany. October 4th, 2016:

I feel much more inclined to choose my first sentence now I'm posting my streams of consciousness on the internet. My heart melted a little bit when yesterday in the webinar chat someone thanked me for putting my SoC online. Eva. I don't think it's the Eva I know from Holland, I think she's just a Commit Happiness visitor. I do feel some resentment against my sister for not wanting to give me what I have asked for. I want to feel generous, and I want to see the common goal. And I do. Aren't we both trying to help people, raise the frequency of the planet, make everyone happy? And I can see that up till some point and also... I put in a lot of work into that company the last four years, you have to give me something when I have to leave. I'm not a victim. And I want to be generous. Sometimes I feel inclined to say: you can have it all. Only give me whatever you feel comfortable giving. And at other times... I just feel angry. Also I think of Jordan saying that I should ask for more than I'm comfortable asking for, because I'm not the type of person that would easily dare to ask for a lot. And he also said I have to do the asking sooner rather than later, because now her feeling guilty is still fresh. He didn't use exactly that wording, but... something like that. That feels gross to me. I wanna say I'm sure I didn't get him right because he's one of the sweetest and most respectful people I know. And also I see something of what he means. Let's negotiate now everything is still fresh in our memories. So I gave her the document, and she came back to me saying that she did not feel comfortable about it. And I said: let's talk about it later, when you maybe feel better. Also I wanted to have a conversations about it with Jordan again, since he seems so good at advising me, but somehow he didn't show up for our scheduled calls the last few days. Is it already Wednesday? No, still Tuesday. It has been just two days. It's quite interesting and a little bit crazy, or maybe actually not so crazy at all since most people might call it crazy how unattached I can be... but uhm yeah, it does bring up a little bit of attachment. I ask myself why he didn't show up? And I honestly can not come up with a reason for it. Because he can always send me an e-mail on his phone saying he doesn't have time or laptop internet access for some reason. The thought entered my head whether he maybe has met another woman - funny, I thought only about women, only now I think: it can also be a man of course - who is more interesting to him than me. Which I cannot really imagines. Since he has told me so many times I'm the most amazing person he has met in his whole life. And I tend to believe it a bit because so many others have told me the same as well. But still I definitely believe there are even more amazing women out there. And men. Ha ha. So... he might have met one of them. And then still, I do think it would make sense for his character to at least send me a message saying: I met someone else, or maybe more in his words 'Some NRE (new relationship energy) entered my life, I don't want to call now with you.' Which would be fine. But he didn't. He might also feel that he can withdraw commitments any time, which is true, so he doesn't have to call me. Sure. What came up a few times as well is that maybe he's kind of giving me a challenge on purpose. That would fit in his character. But not really, because he fucking loves calling with me, why would he sabotage himself? So then I start thinking he might have had an accident or something and is in hospital?? But I don't believe in bad things happening :P Well I mean, it's not even a bad thing. I don't believe in bad things, I wanna say. Maybe he has a wonderful out of body experience :3 Would be fun. It just doesn't seem very likely that something bad happened. There I said it again: 'something bad'. Something seemingly bad? Something I would have interpreted as bad in the past? What if he died? Could I interpret that still as not-bad? Hmmmm.... yes. I don't have reasons for why that would be something good. But I believe it. So much trust in my heart that life is inherently good and we are safe and immortal souls, and every circumstance is here to help us, and only love can enter our fields, for God (in the sense of: the omnipresence, the all-that-is) is love. So what do I feel? Nothing to hurtful, but definitely something icky. (Can I use the word icky here? I'm not even sure what it exactly means...) Waiting, maybe it's the waiting. I have checked my e-mail (he didn't respond to my 20 or so e-mails) too many times. I have checked my google hangouts where we would meet at 14:00 too many times. I don't want to say too many times... but... more times than was maybe good for me. Why? Hard to dig this. Seems like... dependency. That has a very negative connotation in my mind. Like: 'You should never be dependent. Dependency is wrong. Relationships with dependency in it are bad.' And also I just really love him. Is dependency love? I don't think so. But a feeling of dependency and real love might co-exist. Maybe he felt this from me and just to kind of test me or give me the opportunity to work through it, he cut off contact for some time. That would be funny. I would feel a little bit... angry and indignant actually. While I do feel the opportunity, but to throw the other person into that without consent is just a little weird. I don't think he would do that. I don't like overthinking this situation too much. It will probably be different than whatever I can come up with any way! Life is always different than you expect. Hmm, not always. But most of the time, yes. I dreamed about Bentinho this night. He was standing right in front of me, with his smiling face. And I asked him some questions. I was surprised to notice much less nervousness than when I asked him questions during the retreat, but well, it helps if there are not 300 people looking at you and you're also being video taped for a live stream... :) And then the rabbits in the living room started nibbling wood and woke me up. I feel like I now have to get back to the topic before my thoughts run off to something else, because I think of people reading this and wanting a coherent story. So untrue. Because I write for people to get a real view into someones mind, and my mind doesn't do topics well. During writing I already came up with the title for this stream, because there was a large part on Jordan not responding, but I can always change the title, and I can also always have a title that doesn't make complete sense. Coming up with titles for streams of consciousness is just not really meant to be. Jordan. I want to know how I feel, that's all actually. And a strange thing is, there is some resentment, if he would show up for the call today, I would maybe... not be as happy as normal to see him. I would maybe want to withdraw love for him as some kind of punishment. Oehhww... Yep. Honest. I don't want to say that's me, but it's something within me that want to be seen. I would never want to punish him. There is not even a way to punish him. Because I don't have the power to reduce him to a victim. My heart feels less open though. And it's more of a punishment of myself. I'm the only one that's suffering right now from feeling less love than normally. I don't believe suffering is necessary ever. This is just an experience showing me more of me. My intention is to always have a fully open heart, to always already have forgiven for whatever. And it's true, I can not hold the standpoint that - funny that now I'm back on the subject again actually - I don't love him, because I do. And I don't even have to forgive him because I cannot possibly state that he did anything wrong. [...] Loes came in to ask if I needed something from the supermarket. Sweet. At first. But I only need coconut water from the organic supermarket next to it. And she replied: I'm only going to the normal supermarket. And I said: 'okay.' I keep judgments inside. It doesn't take a lot of time to walk into the supermarket right next to it and quickly buy coconut water. There are no lines in organic supermarkets right? Maybe there are in Germany? I don't want to judge anyway. And it wouldn't have made sense to judge her as... what? Unhelpful? Greedy with her time? Lazy? She offered me something, which was to take something with her from the normal supermarket, and she didn't offer me to take something with her from the organic supermarket. And that's really all there is to it. Too bad for me I'm so hangup on organic stuff :P I just want to respect my body, and the health of all beings involved in the production process, including Gaia. I think this is the point to stop the stream.