I love the second part, the first half of the first stanza doesn't convince me fully like the others.. which are beautiful. Human imperfection is also a source of beauty but the sophistication of our superstructures not at all. The best messages are the prolific and fertile ones like the one within your poetry. We could discuss a day about what you wrote.
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In the first verses, there's some enjambement I put in it to make a discontinuous, hiccup, rhythm ;)
It's intended to be more awkward and "strident" to read ;)
Yes I see that... Actually I was more focused on the content, maybe your style choice contributed in giving me this feeling.. the poem is fine and beautiful Marco. When I wrote that we could discuss hours it's due to its richness :-))