I really wanted to say I'm sorry, but then I could not, my pride would go down the drains,my ego was at stake, I needed to prove I was the man and was independent of HIM.
You see we were married for 11 months, more like 11 years. It wasn't even a full calendar year and i was done, I wanted out of what felt like a trap.
A manipulative decision, in the court I could argue my unfit state of mind, My verdict was birthed in hypnosis, I lacked full understanding of my move, my mind was in check mate, I was tricked into submission so i swore on my pride i would make a mess of revenge.
We were legally married, well i wasn't, But my mind kept travelling back in time to that day at the altar and my vows of till death do us part was the reason I got here in the first place.
You see I was pushed to the altar as the preacher word-played me into a feeling of self guilt thinking I could pay HIM back for the nails that pierced his skin, the thorn of crowns on HIS head, the vinegar to his lips.
Oh I didn't mean the words in the prayer "take all of me", My emotions had gotten the best of me cos my dad taught me to be a man, to never be seen crying in public, to never let my guards down and here I was, only the 5th line of the story my tears glands had made a mess of me I was weak.
The words of my dad re-echoed in my ears be strong and of good courage, remember the son of whom u are. I wiped my tears swiftly but it was too late, I was broken so early. Damn the consequences dad, I wasn't weak, I'll pay back the favor, every nail
HE took, every blood HE shed, I'll pay it back and then we are done.
So 11 months later I'm still in, oh if only I was told payback was forever. I"m sorry dad i'll never be outta this web soon enough to see you and mom argue everyday with tears trickling down her eyes and a belt in your hand, I was taught to never be the weak one.
But i had lost the lessons my dad once taught me Real men don't possess tear glands he said, they never succumb to emotions, they take out their anger on their spouse, they subject their friends to the terror of their presence, they are like the nephilims of old, hardhearted and ruthless.
Oh that words would get to me was a mirage, how weak and feeble my heart is, I'm just a mixture of clay and breathe i thought to myself. I had lost my identity, my masculinity was gone, payback was a trap, oh it was a wrong move after all.
The quest for pay back was a virus spreading quickly, my judgment was clouded from the start, I wanted to be my fathers son, i needed to be my fathers son but smarter than me my move was outplayed, counter attack was the strategy that beat my revengeful action, tore my walls of self protection only to be drawn into a love fountain of ever springing waters leading deeper as he measured a thousand cubit at intervals till I was drenched unconsciously by the rain of a deeper commitment.
Who was I to think humanity would excel divinity? Jacob was my inspiration cos he wrestled with an angel an prevailed over him. O how i love u Lord were my exact words I jerked myself back to reality, I was missing the point here, wasn't meant to fall in love, it was meant to be a one night stand, a hit and run operation.
I was way over board, I had lost focus of the mission, Revenge it was!. Don't get to attached son, never give a man the keys to your heart and so i stiffened up, I had to be in charge here, I needed to be in charge. This was my mission, this is Me-Time..
My dad was right but you are righteous, he's only human but you are so divine and the vine we are your branches. So let my heart melt and my ego drown, let my defense be bridged and my security be by-passed and humbled by your kingly humiliation on the tree cos the cross is worth the love you require, The cross is worth the love you require.
The intentions were Mine but the outcome was yours.. You are the master, you are the master of the Game of thrones.
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