Mess

Wheeeew! It's indeed a mess, in that moment it all plays right in front of you, what you should have done, better alternatives, you wish if there was a reset button to push, that can make it all go away, you beg for a miracle, anything to make it stop, not to make it happen. It's that nightmare you feared most, it's coming to pass and you are helplessly, what could be worse? Is there a way out? Is this the end? What comes after?
It's just one big mess, a mess of your own making, no one is to blame, you brought this upon yourself, it was very much avoidable, yet in this moment, only a miracle can save you.
As this thoughts run wild in my head, I'm thrown into a reflective state, how differently it would have been, I mean it was just down to making a different choice. It surely would have been different, I should have played it safe, got too ambitious, dreamt too big, fantasies they turn out to be, I should have played it safe.
Looking forward it's appears it's just downhill from here, this self pity, self loathing is it all there is? A whisper in my head, it tries to preach hope; it's not all over; you can beat this; you can bounce back. But then this were the same words I told myself, look how far I fell, I didn't want to give up, didn't want to cut my losses, I should have stopped while I had the chance. Now I'm just a disappointment, to myself, and soon to everyone.
As these thoughts leave me, one keeps echoing "if I had known". Those words Sat's it all, filled with regrets with no-one to turn to, it feels like the end. Indeed I messed up and yes I'm a MESS.