The disappearing act of a Non-Magician.

It has been months since I last wrote to you. I tried drafting some posts back in January but I couldn't find the right words to complete them.

I had a good momentum when I started writing here last year of September.
When I started I thought to myself how good it was to have found a safe space to write what was going on with my life without feeling like I was trying too hard, to keep up, show face or impress. I just wanted to write and for awhile I did. I've wanted to share what I know creatively, my journey, planned some topics I wanted to talk about.

But then life and death happened,tried writing about the latter, before I disappeared.

While I was away, I was subconsciously hating myself, processing past trauma on my own, feeling lost, losing my sense of purpose, still dealing with the lost of someone dear to me, dealing with the effects of a super typhoon which struck our city, lost job opportunities, dealing with life uncertainties and every other things going on in the world. Felt overwhelmed most days, I didn't know how I managed. To be honest, I was running on auto pilot most of that time, I think I still am, but since I opened this blog again today to write and read through what's going on here, then I take that as a sign that I may no longer hate myself as much.

My creative outlets: photography, and getting back to drawing is where I've spent my time away here and from social media. These two hobbies helped me cope every time I'm going through difficult times. It may sound like a bit of an exaggeration, but art saved me a lot of times.

At 11, my parents separated. I had trouble trying to understand what was going on at a young age. No one really explained to me why what happened happened, suddenly they were out of our lives.

Throughout high school, I closed myself off to most people. I drew a lot and wrote a lot, but didn't let anyone read or see most of it. I just needed to express myself somewhere so that these emotions won't eat me whole. I felt like I didn't deserve friends at that age. I thought if my parents can leave us like that, how much more other people unrelated?

At 18, I knew I needed something to change. I couldn't live the way I did back in high school, closed off from people. So I welcomed new people into my life. At first I was pretending to be someone with a happy demeanor so that I can attract people who are the same as well. But in the later years, I became what I pretended to be, and found joy having found friends.

My relatives were the ones who supported and guided us after our parents left. We stayed at our grandparents' home. When my grandmother died last year, not only was I dealing with her death, but also the past unresolved trauma I had because of my parents separation. For the longest time I pretended to be okay, until January of 2022 when I could not pretend anymore. I had a number of triggers after that which I tried to rationalize but can't explain why. I was a mess.

I can't afford therapy, I don't know where to go to as well even if I did. I'm not really as close to my family or relatives, most of the idea they have of me are the ones I post through social media or the positive stories going on in my life I get to share with them. But most of the bad parts we don't get to talk as much. It was sad at first, but I grew up not wanting more from them, it's enough knowing they are there. I do have close friends who listens to me when life gets really heavy, I just don't want to burden them with all my troubles though cause I know they are also going through different struggles.

At present, I've slowly started to open myself up again, meet people again, work, trying to get back to my sense of normal. Funny how I find it easier to write here of what my life has been like compared to having real life conversations. If you have reached this part, I would like to express how much I appreciate you for your time in reading what I have to write.

Life gets hard as an adult, especially at times when we are going at it alone. So if you need a friend, like I do on my lowest of days, allow me to pay it forward what my good friends did for me, by being an online friend to you, listening to what your life and troubles are like.

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About the Author

A human being with a passion for creating, Richard John is a photographer, artis stylist and creative director from Cebu City, Philippines. He is always challenging himself to do better, learn more and try different mediums to create more.

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If you like his content about the creative world he's in, don't forget to upvote, share your thoughts in the comments and maybe reblog. All forms of love is always welcome. Follow his journey here on Hive for more. ❤️

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