I don't think it's possible to stop being a 'conspiracy theorist' once you are awake to the layers of deception that lie before you. Sure, you can choose not to actively investigate your suspicions, but suppressing them entirely will be quite the task. Once the cat is out the bag, there's not putting it back in- as they say.

I can understand your difficulty in maintaining a level of comfort, especially when looking into the darkest aspects of human existence. But, perhaps changing your direction entirely is not necessary.

You are correct when you say that we only have so much impact that we can make on the world alone. I feel that your problem, and one that I have had myself in the past, is that you are putting too much of the world's problems on your own shoulders.

Many of us have answered that same calling. It can seem as though it is our very purpose to 'awaken' everyone on Earth to the reality of their bondage. But, we soon find that it's not so easy for others to accept the truth, and the task is far more difficult than we had imagined.

This doesn't mean that you should give up. It is good to be well informed, for then you possess the power to better inform those who have been misled. I can't save the fucking world though, and most likely, neither can you. But, maybe that's not our job. Maybe your job is to wake up the person who will go on to wake up the one who will inevitably wake us all up. Perhaps my purpose is to convince you not to stop what you're doing, simply so that you are still able to complete your own.

I don't fucking know. I never will. But, I do know that if we all decide we've had enough of the truth, the world we will wake up in tomorrow will make this one look like heaven.

I think you should keep doing what you are doing. There is a reason you felt so compelled to do it in the first place. because it's something that has to be done.

And one last thing;

I too have spent much time reflecting, wondering whether I am the 'good guy' that I convince myself I am. In the end, I found it to be somewhat redundant.
Who we are is fleeting. You will never again be the person you are in this exact moment, so don't punish yourself for that person's sins.

I think the very fact that you're spending time self-reflecting and attempting to ascertain whether you really are a good man, that in itself is evidence that you are the person you need to be. A person who wants to be more tomorrow than they were today, and who is considerate enough to challenge their own decisions to ensure their heart is in the right place.

I don't think you can ask for anything more than that from any human being. Don't be too hard on yourself, mate.