Waking up, letting go and discovering me

Its 2015, I am a 35 year old male human being. A healthy, fit, sensitive introvert.

What do you do? "I'm a computer geek" or "I make the internet work". That's my answer, I'm a techy.

I’m told I’m a good listener and that I learn quickly. Personally, I have known for a while that I definitely have a thirst for knowledge, I get great satisfaction from learning things and helping people. I am a deep thinker, a problem solver who likes to know how things work. More recently I've been exploring more creative outlets such as martial arts, music and writing. I always try to be considerate, have good intentions and treat those around me how I would hope to be treated.

I had a good upbringing with a loving family who always encouraged me to do what I love in life and presented many opportunities to me along the way. I have lots of interests, friends, a good job, working with great people and I would practically get up and skip to work every day. I enjoy being out in nature when possible.

How's it going? "Good thanks! hows you?". That's my answer. Wait.. I was depressed for as long as I could remember, low self esteem, self loathing, negative thought spirals and generally hurting for no real reason. The opposite of how my friends probably saw me.

I've met enough people in this lifetime to know that goes for too many AWESOME people out there (oh hi!).

I am learning more and more about myself every moment. Apparently I am one of life's listeners. People vent a lot of their problems to me for some reason, and they seem to appreciate my perspective. I don't like to be walked over but I am a giver and I don't mind that, it feels natural. So lets say I get a lot of perspective on life from the people around me and I try to share those perspectives to help people get along better if I can. Sometimes it's hard to think how someone might interpret it best but I like the challenge as its rewarding seeing the impact of my positive intentions.

Everyone has their issues. You have yours. I have mine. I could tell my story but that's just meaningless ego talk - I've said too much already! We are all the same if you remove the specific story. If only we could all see exactly how simple life is - drop the story, stop crushing yourself with the weight of it and enjoy you each moment for what it is. Then you can express your true inner being.

So I had a meltdown. "Stuff" happened. I hit rock bottom. Great place to be. What happens now.

I'm sick and tired of the voice in my head, the negative thought patterns repeating over and over.

"What is wrong?". Good question that. "No idea". So what's the problem then? Really? Hrrrm.

"I can't live with myself."

Hold that thought - a moment of clarity! "I" can't live with "myself"? Wait - there's two of us in here?!

I saw so clearly and simply that my soul or spirit or being (however you might think of it) is completely separate to my brain and my thought processes. And that my thought processes were effectively imprisoning that spirit and preventing it (the real me?) from truly being expressed. Since this awareness I have been able to take far more control of my thoughts and be able to identify and shut down pointless and negative thoughts before they have any impact on me, hopefully before they really manifest. I mean where do they come from anyway! Go away! I'm trying to have some fun here! :D

It was a very painful moment of deep honesty and soul searching that day but somehow I was miraculously healed instantly from my depression and I managed to completely change my outlook on life. After some reflection I had to make some changes to my work/ life balance and reconcile some things from my past which relieved the pressure somewhat more.

Suddenly I was more content and able to clear my mind and find peace (harder than I make it sound, just keep trying). I had a new outlook on life and I began to be more positive and go with the flow. Instead of trying too hard I have learned to settle for what I need, so I have more time to have fun. More and more positive things keep happening to me since I began to take the path of least resistance and discard the things in my life that I feel bring negative energy.

I don't mean for this all to sound easy. Life is still life. I still have my stuff to deal with but it gets easier the more you think like this. And the more you learn to accept the negative aspects of your reality the more you focus on the positive aspects. Something like "Without the negative you could not appreciate the positive", "there is no life without death", it's been said.. by someone! :)

I am genuinely content and will never let myself become depressed again. However that is the challenge and I am constantly tested by this new outlook on life and I try to focus my energy on positive creative outlets as much as possible.

Skip forward to April 2018.

I'm 38 and going through a period of very deep thinking about subjects like consciousness and the nature of reality, and trying to let myself just "be" and implement my new outlook on life (as you do). Crazy stuff was happening in my reality. There was a lot of negative energy around me that I hadn't realised I wasn't dealing with very well (family issues and other personal life issues). Each of which I could handle on some level in isolation but I was carrying out my role as "good listener" and helping people as usual, and I was reaching my wits end carrying the weight of other people's problems so much that I had no one to talk to about anything myself. "Who listens to the listener?", "Who helps the helper?".. someone said that too (right?) :)

This would all come to a head after the 19th to the 22nd of April 2018 when I had been quite inspired and compelled to write down pages and pages of notes. It keeps stirring up and coming from nowhere in bursts. Most of the content is deep and philosophical. I seem to be consolidating my ideas on life after reflecting a lot since my melt down and reached some sort of contentment in 2015 (maybe that was just the beginning?). After those few days I had no idea what to do with it all. I've just kept the notes for now.

Immediately after that prolific weekend it was a huge test of my new outlook on life as the issues I had been dealing with were all intersecting at the same time and it affected me in a very strange way. It was like when I hit rock bottom but I couldn't let myself be depressed anymore. I felt a very strange mix of personal contentment mixed with intense sadness for all the people who had vented to me and for all the people in the world that could help themselves to stop the inner turmoil if they just understood like I do now.

I was being tested and pushed quite hard here. I read my notes I’d written the weekend before. There was a clear message. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. It's so hard to do it, to get the message and be honest enough to let go of whatever is in the way of being honest with yourself. In my case I had to take my own advice and get that negative energy out of my life, it was other people's problems I couldn't carry them any more and I was being crushed by it. I was pushed in the end but I was still afraid of what would happen when I revealed my hand in a certain situation, showing how hurt I was by the way the people were behaving towards each other, but simultaneously happy about how much of a step forward those people had taken to getting along better and improving it all. I was so close to broken I was unable to deal with the happiness! Like I got to some kind of goal but had no strength left at all to keep it together. It feels weird. When I did get it off my chest everything got immediately better. Its like I can finally be free.

It's going to take bit of work to heal myself, but that's cool. I can feel it happening. :)

I've learned that I have a gift in listening to people but that I can only do so much to help people and that "I" need to listen to "me" and get stuff off my chest as much as anyone else. After all "I" am supposed to be a good listener! Stop bottling things up, that's what I tell other people!

There are a lot of strange things happening in my reality right now that I am trying to understand. I seem to be challenging myself as to how far I will go to implement all this philosophical stuff I’m coming out with, and let go of everything so I can truly “be”. I will try and write some more about it here when I feel I can.

Peace! :)