Looking back over the last year and where I was when it started, it's been an amazing year. It's interesting that I can actually reflect back over everything, because I decided to document the experience here on the blockchain and I'm glad I stuck with it. I've tried to figure out what the biggest shift of focus was this year and it's obvious that deciding to focus more on myself and becoming the person that I wanted to be has fundamentally changed and shaped my life. So with that being said, I'm going to discuss what's different now and how I got here.
The first big change was that I stopped viewing myself as something separate from the rest of existence. I started viewing myself as part of this whole experience and stopped being "the one that everything was happening to" and became "part of it all." It may not seem like a big shift, but it is, and I feel like at the core of all of this is compassion. It's hard to have compassion for others when we don't have that for ourselves. Accepting my own strengths and weaknesses and focusing on how to do what I needed to take care of myself and be happy while still being of service to others allowed for a better understanding of compassion. It's not giving up anything for others, it's gaining everything for myself and others.
I had to face some hard facts at the beginning of the year. I wasn't happy, I was suicidal, and I was doing nothing to change that. The problems seemed to stem from victim mentality and feeling like the world owed me something because I tried to be what I viewed as a good person. It's funny how in retrospect I can see that it was all self righteous bullshit and entitlement, but I couldn't back then. I think all of our experiences are very subjective and unique and trying to determine who has it worse is all just a matter of perspective, but regardless of all of that, one thing is clear; It's possible to fix and change things about ourselves that we may view as "broken" at the time. It was clear I needed to face the next big change that I had to make.
The scariest and most significant change in my personal life was quitting my job. Quitting working a stable and reliable job with good salary, insurance, and a solid retirement plan was excruciatingly difficult. It was very hard to accept that what I was doing was insane and that the only person that could change it was me. Realizing that I was working a job I didn't want and being unhappy because I thought I needed the things it gave me was a bitter pill to swallow. I had to face the fact that if I was suicidal and at that low of a point in my life that I was ready to give up, then trying to convince myself that doing that for another thirty years was somehow a reasonable thing to do was simply irrational. So I did it, I quit and had to face the last hurdle that I spent most of the year doing.
I had to face myself. I had to learn how to be okay with who I am and how to be someone that I wanted to be around. It's pretty ridiculous to expect things or other people to fix something as self centered as not being okay with who I was when I was alone. That's expecting people and things or substances to distract me from myself. It turns out the more I focused on myself and doing things that I actually wanted to do, the more I liked myself and the less negative things I had to say to myself everyday. The people that are in my life are different now, but that's okay because I found a lot of like-minded individuals that encourage and challenge me to be better. I don't have to second guess myself or my decisions all the time anymore. I found faith in myself and humanity as a whole in the process. For the first time in my 31 years of life, I'm looking forward to a new year and seeing what it has in store for me. Namaste.
I see so many people cling to things that make them unhappy because they feel like they need them - and they refuse to look for new opportunities or believe there is a huge world out there. I am glad this year has been much better for you - with these improvements I imagine your life will only continue to get better.
I agree and I often call that the inherent insanity of society. In an insane world, I'd rather be crazy. :)
Wow thanks for such an honest post man. Over the last two years I have had to deal with death,a break up and completing a degree and not being satisfied. However over the last 6 months I have found crypto and Steemit and met alot of people who more importantly showed me that I am talented in writing,music and crypto. This shows me that my degree has helped me and I am pretty awesome. I have not quit my job or anything but the future looks bright. I also decied this year to seek some mental help and it was one of the toughest decisions to make but I am glad I did it and feel less pressure. Anyway I am rambling but thanks for the post.
It sounds like you are on the right path dude. I wish you all the best in whatever comes next.
Same to you see you in chat
love that jc quote! and a happy new year to ya! :)
Probably my favorite quote I've heard this year. Thanks and I hope yours is great too buddy.
Very glad you were able to shift the way you think.
While it’s always scary risking it all trying finding happiness in life it can also be very rewarding. It is just insane the amounts of things people think are “must haves” in life that turn out not to be the case when they have to rethink how they budget and spend money.
It’s been an absolute pleasure reading your blogs in 2017. I look forward to seeing what positives Steemit bring you in 2018.
Thanks for all the support along the way! It's been an interesting year to say the least. I feel like next year will be equally as amazing. :)
I think we will find many similar stories here in steemit. thank you for this!
Wow, thank you for sharing this, its so hard to get away from the victim mentality but the way you explained it as 'stopped being "the one that everything was happening to" and became "part of it all."' was a great way!
Its so hard to be good to yourself and we are always our own worse enemies and harshest crictics. Great work on taking life by the balls and making some big decisions to make your life the wonderful one you deserve.
Best of luck for 2018! May it only continue to get better in 2018!
Amen to all that. Reading your old posts and reading your recent ones you can see the huge difference. That's where I am at: being ok with who I am and if not, changing what I can. I want to focus on all the things no one can take away from me besides time. My physical and mental self. It's easy to put myself on the back burner when that's how I've been treated (victim mentality,) but once I realized I don't have to be the person I was treated like= I'm a grown ass woman, puts on big girl panties, I ain't scared of living. (Survivor mentality) ok but the Key is not slipping back into the other state of mind. I got some work to do! ☑ Great post Clay! Reading your posts like this always gives me a boost. Booster power! Sips coffee
"I had to learn how to be okay with who I am." Yes had to cross this path as well, been through other things you mentioned also. I am so honored to know you and I thank you for sharing. This post is a beacon of light for many that are desperately trying to find their way, especially during this time of the year which can be very lonely. You have accomplished a lot this year and I celebrate with you, friend and looking forward to seeing you reach higher heights and as you do please share.
It’s really great that you have come to a better place, @clayboyn, and also that you are willing to share your story. So many people hide away, cover up the difficulties they are experiencing, and/or give up. It takes courage to face change head on and deal with the fallout of shifting directions. I hope your story inspires others who feel stuck!
“It’s too scary to take the risk”
“I don’t deserve the thing I want”
“I’ll never know enough”
Taking risk is never an easy task. Thank you for sharing your experience. I for one am grateful you didn't commit suicide
Excuses!ExcusesExcuses!.... Great piece of writing.
It's so great to read stories like these. This was the year I stopped procrastinating too. I just started to write despite the fact that it looked awful at first. With every brick we put out there, a foundation is getting made. A foundation for the world of compassion and tolerance.
ps. Thanks for sharing your experience! Wishing you luck in your future endeavours.
Stop making excuse is a great thing which can take us to the highest hight of success....
Quite an encouraging post
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