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I was so excited for her.
My partner and I were sitting on our couch, enjoying our time together.
As she described her experience, I could see her bubble with so much joy and excitement.
Her positive vibes were so contagious to me - I could really feel them!
But the the same time... I was honestly surprised by my own reaction.
I said to myself, “Wow, it’s so interesting that I can feel this way!”
But, why did I find this so interesting?
It was because of this simple fact:
She was sharing her excitement about a recent sexual connection that did not involve me.
A New Way Of Relating
About two years ago, my girlfriend Dani and I decided to try something different with our relationship.
We had both come from relationship structures that just didn’t serve us.
For myself, I had already experienced three 2+ year relationships that ended with the same thought every time:
What am I missing here?
What I discovered, is that I wasn’t really missing anything.
I already had everything I needed.
What I did need, was a different relationship structure.
And that’s where polyamory came along.
Many Loves
At the beginning of our relationship, we decided that a new relationship structure was necessary for both of us, so we dived into the world of polyamory.
Polyamory is the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy".
In short, if you break down the words into “poly” and “amory” you have the words, “many” or “several” and “loves.”
Polyamory is the practice of having several lover lovers, instead of your love being centralized to one person.
For me, I wasn’t doing it because I needed more sex or more attention.
None of those things really interested me at all.
I mean, lets be be honest - the idea of having more dynamic sexual experiences sounds really friggin' great - but it surely was not the thing that intrigued me to explore this particular lifestyle.
What did interest me was the freedom to express myself, how I wanted and when I wanted.
In my past relationships, I would notice that about a year in, I would start to feel overwhelmingly stuck.
Something was really wrong - to the point where I would even get physically ill at times!
Eventually I realized that the issue was that I was cutting off a part of my sexual energy that needed to be expressed.
The practice of monogamy just wasn’t nurturing my spirit in the way that I needed.
Thankfully, polyamory fit the bill.
But Then I Discovered Something Incredible
If I had to be totally honest and real with you (as I always intend to be), I would tell you that polyamory is not for the faint of heart.
It’s quite challenging and forces you to confront and deal with fears and feelings of jealousy that you would not normally have to confront in a monogamous structure.
Through embracing these challenges and uncomfortable experiences, I’ve discovered something that I believe is applicable to anyone, regardless of if you are polyamorous, monoagmous, or something totally different.
What I discovered is the art of compersion.
Experiencing Another’s Experience
What is compersion you ask?
Compersion is:
The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.
It’s essentially what you experience AFTER you’ve confronted and dealt with your own fears and anxieties.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, instead of feeling jealous that your partner is discovering joy and pleasure with another human, you now feel a sense of warmth and appreciation for it.
It’s truly a fascinating experience, but in my opinion, the most amazing aspect of this is that compersion is a concept that can be applied to anything.
Not just polyamory!
The Power of Compersion
Can you remember a time when you felt happy for a friend or family member because they achieved something noteworthy?
Have you ever felt really great simply because of your excitement for another person’s experience?
Isn’t that quite an interesting phenomenon?
Well, it is most definitely a thing, and I believe that thing can be a very useful tool if you choose to utilize it.
Here’s why I say that:
I believe that in order to get what you want in life, you have to become a mental and emotional match to what it is that you want.
Put simply and logically:
If I want to pass a class in school, I must get at least a C or better on my exams.
In order to get a C or better on my exams, I need to understand the material well enough to convey that on my exams.
Now if I’m struggling and having a difficult time achieving that grade, I have two options:
Option #1) I can scoff at the individuals in my class who are acing their exams, seemingly with ease, and seek to undermine, devalue, or seek revenge upon them.
Option #2) I can appreciate the individuals in my class who are acing their exams and perhaps befriend them and ask for advice, guidance, or help.
Many of us unconsciously choose the former option.
We invest our time and energy in focusing on what we don’t have and become upset and uncomfortable around the people who already have it.
Option #1 is the best way to NOT get what you want in life.
As the more you say “I don’t have this, it’s completely separate from me”, the more your mind will agree with this belief system and look for more thoughts and strategies to enhance this experience of NOT having what you desire.
On the other hand, you could choose the second option - the option to appreciate those who are succeeding in class.
This provides an entirely different experience.
Have you ever heard the phrase,
“You become the average of the five people you hang around with the most.”
The same concept applies here.
When you choose to appreciate, respect, and engage with those who are already succeeding, you subconsciously begin to do the same for yourself.
Not only does your mind begin to naturally look for opportunities to succeed, but also, resources and opportunities begin to appear as a result of this mindset.
But How Does This Relate Back To Compersion?
Compersion demonstrates our ability to appreciate another individual’s experience that is not our own, while also reaping the benefits.
And like I said earlier, it’s not JUST for polyamorous people… it’s for everyone.
Let me give you another example here…
Can you remember the last time you saw or heard a child giggle with joy?
Whether or not you were feeling that joy at the time, did you begin to feel more joy for yourself?
Just the other day I experienced this.
I was feeling fatigued and a bit anxious in the moment.
But suddenly I saw my partner’s baby nephew run into the living room with a huge smile on.
I immediately felt the joy that she was experiencing and it completely shifted my physiology to the point where I literally felt like I had a ton of energy again.
I was vicariously experiencing her joy, and it felt so real to me!
How Do We Experience Compersion In Our Lives?
Do you feel lack in any area of your life right now?
Maybe its finances, or love, or time…
What do you feel you are lacking right now?
Once you have something in mind, think about about someone or something that already HAS what it is that you want.
For instance, lately I’ve been feeling a lack of money to pay my expenses, and thus I’m thinking about some of my mentors and favorite artists who already have all the money they would ever need.
Now, this brings us back to the two choices we confronted earlier with the classroom example.
Our two options in perceiving this are:
Option #1) Criticize these people for having achieved what you haven’t and think about how crappy it feels to not have what they have.
Option #2) Appreciate what these people have cultivated in their life and imagine how it feels to truly live life so abundantly.
Hopefully the obvious choice is clear to you.
Compersion would result in stepping into option #2.
And it’s a powerful choice to make!
By simply appreciating what we don’t already have, we’re essentially tricking our mind into thinking that this already exists in our reality.
The mind then follows suit by searching for patterns, thoughts, and ideas that match the experience we’re focused on.
The more we step into a place of appreciation for the things that we seemingly don’t have, the more we are naturally more attuned to people, places, and things that also reflect what it is that we are appreciative of.
By feeling into the experience, we soon become it.
How Can You Live With Compersion?
If you could be anyone and have anything this year, what would it be?
As you think about that for a moment, consider how you’ve been approaching the things that you don’t currently have.
Have you been consciously or subconsciously pushing them away?
Or have you been creating a positive relationship to these things by appreciating them and inviting them in?
There’s a big difference in one compared to the other, and I assure you, the more you step into a state of appreciation for the things you don’t have, the more you will begin to believe that you already have it.
And when you get there with your mind...
your life experience will follow suit.
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Very beautiful post
@originalworks
Love that part where you said you would get physically ill sometimes because you were unable to express a sexual energy! Damn I had that too it's like you are just missing out on something or like you worked out too much before and then you just stopped so your muscles are like sore or something like that.
I have always practiced compersion. I think it comes natural to me to be proud of people getting what they want, need, etc. although I remain a little short of what they possess--I mean I believe I have my own time and if I take what they're experiencing as inspiration, I could have it as soon as I want since I am motivated.
Love this post! Keep them up :)
Yeah the sexual expression thing was really intense! I have never experienced quite a thing, but it definitely helped me to figure out where I needed to go!
And yeah I agree, motivation really does help. Especially when you believe you can achieve anything. Then compersion becomes inspiration ;-)
Love your ideas so much! Keep posting, man!
Beautifully presented article @axios. Resteemed.
Without knowing the term 'Compersion' I know that's how my life, my being is becoming more and more.
Recently I found out that a friend is going overseas this year. Now there's nothing unusual about that, lots of people travel and my friend has already traveled a lot. But the people she will be traveling with, and the places she will experience are all so wonderful. I could see it in my mind's eye. And my heart was so so so joyful.
So I think it's true as you say:
Yes! Isn't it such a game changing way to look at life? There's just been so many times where my first thought was to focus on not having something - the lack - but then when I caught myself and focused in on the feeling of having that, suddenly everything changes for me and the good that my friend is feeling, is now a shared experience.
So glad you vibed with this post @allyinspirit. I really appreciate your words here :)
Sure is. Lovely getting to know you @axios. 🦋
Hello @axios!
I really enjoyed the reading and think that, if you feel all the benefits of it, so live it the way you think it is best for you and the partners. I know there are many ways to love, but for me that wouldn't work. I am not saying I don't agree with it, I just don't fit the idea of it and respect all kinds of expressions people feel free to choose and enjoy in their lives.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and wish you all the best in the life you chose to live! Much love to you!
It's definitely not for everyone just as most things are not for everyone, but I appreciate you sharing that @pyotan :)
What an interesting post @axios. I've never heard of compersion before, although I have definitely experienced it. This made me really stop and think about where I am still letting jealousy control my reactions in some areas of life. Ho hum, more work to do. Tap, tap, tap....
Us humans are quite the working project! So many areas to tap on haha
Very intriguing read. I'm glad that I came across your blog and I will follow your posts with interest.
I have always practiced compresion, appreciating other people's success and achievements is a motivation to me, I get inspired by successful people.
As for polyamory, your perspective presented here is very interesting but it's very far from my nature. I'm monogamous and when I love someone I don't need to look for other experiences. The act of loving someone makes me feel complete. Nevertheless, polyamory and polygamy are very interesting topics for me, and I would like to know more about it and the people who are practicing it.
I think compersion is a lot more common than we realize, but it's also not always utilized - and that's when we fall into these mental traps that actually hinder us from achieving what we want in life.
As I've said to many others in the past, poly definitely isn't for everyone. I do really appreciate a lot of aspects of monogamy. I'm definitely ones a deep emotional and sexual connection with someone in order to operate in a relationship. For me, I just realized that I'd also like the opportunity (whenever that organically appeared) to have that with others as well.
Great text. I've been applying similar philosophy into my life for some time already and I must say that it brings me much more joy and satisfaction that I'd ever felt before. My views about love and relationships has changed through years and especially my last partner taught me a lot. Also about myself. I believe that love is unlimited feeling and it can only be positive. Love evolves us, lets us grow, brings peace in our minds. What makes us suffer is an attachment, jealousy, possessiveness. The feeling that we want to belong to one person. When we start to analyse our feelings we can get to the point, that actually we don't love the person next to us.
@agniese do you mean that we can get to the point where we recognize that love stems from ourselves and not the other person? If so, I fully agree with you. I think it's the greatest illusion to think that someone else is the curator of your love. That's what leads to attachment. I struggle with this concept every day but you learn it by losing those relationships and realizing that the love is still there, even though that person is gone!
@axios, that's exactly my point. Thinking like: "Oh I give him/her so much love, so much attention and I received nothing", means that we just have an interest in this person. We expect from somebody to be the way we would like him/her to be and we demand particular way of treating. To be loved is such a great feeling but I find even more pure joy in giving love without any expectations.
Me too @agniese. I think that true love operates unconditionally. It doesn't require anything in return, nor does it have an agenda. It just is, and with that, it is always enough.
For years I had a problem loving another person because I didn't love myself. So to a certain degree, I believe that first we have to love ourselves and then we can love another human being without the need of attachment.
@isabellemonisse I agree with you. When we don't feel happy with ourselves we need much more from other people to value us, to appreciate us. But it's wrong. Also, when we don't love ourselves we easily confuse feelings.
good quality post! looking forward for more :)
thank you @awakeningartist! And I appreciate the @originalworks tag ;-) two upvotes for you friend!
I want people to read this! :)
Have a great day man.
I don't usually go to a place of criticizing people for having what I want, but I feel jealousy. I think feeling compersion could be a great tool or even shortcut to get to the vibration of what we want. I think I'm going to try that now, actually. Enjoying your account so far. :)
I think it's a great tool to master as it can be quite challenging at times when you really want something, and someone else has it! For instance, there there was this whale who was talking about steemit the other day. He just joined and threw 15k on here. Immediately was an influencer on here and I noticed that I was feeling frustrated about. When I realized my frustration I asked myself, "what can I appreciate about this person?" and then I just went into this rampage of appreciation which left me feeling super inspired and appreciative of this person. It really flipped the script for me and that's a powerful thing to do!
Hi @axios I loved this post! While polyamory is not for everyone (and I don't think I could be brave enough)... I do like the way you used it to experience and explain what compersion is. Almost similar to the universal law of attraction - but with a twist! I look forward to reading more from you
It totally is the law of the attraction! And yes agreed, poly is not for everyone but I do feel that mono people can learn a lot from poly people and vice versa! Thanks so much for stopping by t8scones!
Polyamory, this is a new word to me, maybe because I’m learning English jaja, in Spanish i think is poligamia. Where i come from, this is a really big taboo, but we need to have an open mind, as you say, this works for you, so do it, not everyone can think the same.
I love the way you explain the compersion, learn how to enjoy the happiness of other ones.
Really great post, I have to share it.
So poligamia is actually polygamy, which in a traditional sense is all about a male marrying multiple wives. So I don't ever like to refer to this as polygamy because I believe in sexual equality and I'm certainly not interested in collecting wives. Polyamory is, simply put, a relationship structure where both sides agree to have certain rules that allow you to have partners that are either outside of the core relationship, or actually a part of the core relationship. For instance, you could bring another person into your relationship and then you would have what's called a "triad". There's so many ways to approach poly but yeah, just wanted to give you the heads up there so you're not confused as to what it is!
Thanks so much for sharing @elchicoausente!
Axios your post is great. I love the eay you show different perpectives about a topic. Because in this life is all about how we see things. You can see it in a way that has a negative o positive effect on you. Talking about relatiinships I been in one for more than 4 years and its been awesomse. Sex is always great but I believe it has a lot to do with a mental, spiritual conection too with that person.
I agree, it very much has to do with a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual connection. For me, I believe that you should get to a super strong connection with your partner to the point where you don't need anyone else before considering to go the poly route. That's just my perspective.
Thanks so much for the kind words @anamena92!
Nice post, @axious. : )
Compersion, as you explained it in the inro video, seems to be one of the aspects of social intelligence (connection with and feeling of other people's emotions) as Goleman defined it.
Well, this was unexpected (I mean for the reader, not for you)! : )
I think that monogamy is not a very natural structure for us humans. We do have an instinct that drives as to mate with different partners. That said, I agree with you that polyamory is not for the faint of heart since you have to deal with a lot of fears and jealousy.
I guess that, although it is the best option, you need a very high level of consciousness and acceptance to achieve this. Good job!
Cheers! : )
Hey @lifenbeauty yes, definitely not for everyone but I do not believe it requires anything special. If you 1) feel a desire to explore it, 2) are willing to deal with your own shit, and 3) can communicate effectively with your partner - then it's very doable!
Awesome response here. Thanks so much for sharing :)
Excellent three points!
I like how you explained the second one. : )
Cheers!
I had never heard of the word compersion before and it's not in my dictionary. Wikipedia redirects that query to polyamory which is something as old as life itself.
Yes, life is for living and experiencing and if polyamory calls to you it should be explored to its fullest. I have known many people with open relationships and, like relationships in general, most of them end badly. I see no problem with this unless a child is brought into such a situation. Not so much that it is bad for the child per se, but a child raised under such circumstances will not fit in well with his or her peers, will be confused by the dominant culture. This may be good. It may be bad. Sometimes the best people emerge from the worst conditions. It is worth consideration, however.
To me, what you are talking about here is simple self indulgence and not compassion for the other as you seem to imply. Again, that should be considered and explored to the fullest, but if examined beforehand, there has been much written to caution against too much self esteem and too much self indulgence. It leads nowhere and causes much suffering in the world. There is no salvation in that direction, no lasting joy or peace. But first hand knowledge is always the best teacher.
Getting what you want is also a theme that has been around forever. Wanting is a problem in itself since it can never be satisfied. So is not-wanting or aversion, the flip-side of desire. Setting and achieving goals is ultimately an empty endeavor and a waste of precious time. You are young and have lots of discovery ahead of you. I applaud your searching and experimenting. So much better than just sitting on your ass your entire life and simply accepting what others tell you or slaving away to fill your life with useless junk. That is a truly wasted life. Nice post.
Hey @citizenzero, I really appreciate your response here.
In response to:
I will agree that some individuals choose the poly path to indulge their sexual senses. Some seem to collect a variety of men or women, which ultimately leads to a bunch of shallow relationships.
The other side of poly is the part that most don't see, where you create a strong bond with another individual, and then muster up the courage to let that individual be who they are, without constricting them to one intimate experience. It's an intense act of letting go and trusting the strength of the relationship. This requires you to face everything that is anything but self esteem and self indulgence. It's very humbling. It is, in my opinion, the ultimate act of compassionately letting go in a relationship.
I appreciate the encouragement though. I'm one whose always been interested in questioning cultural norms and experimenting with new lifestyles. Thus far, poly has been incredibly difficult but equally rewarding.
Thanks for stopping by friend :)
I can see how, if entered consciously, it would give you much insight into your own emotional makeup. That's the way I approached psychedelics. People warned me but I was into expanding my consciousness, not just getting loaded. It proved to be a wonderful tool that didn't become a monkey on my back. Naysayers are always the timid ones. Experience is always the best teacher.
Fully agree man. Poly definitely feels similar to psychedelics in that sense. You're walking into a space that is undocumented and thus, anything can happen. There's a reason that most humans don't venture outside the realms of governmental control - its that comfort in knowing the details.
Discovering those details for yourself through experience is a very different and brave world to live in!
Oh, wow, @axios! I read your article after you shared it with me. I love how we can make friendships here this way.
So basically I resonate a lot with you too now! I myself have been through a polyamorous journey and faced so many challenges, dissolved so many of my insecurities and discovered so many things about myself, indeed compersion was my life-saver at critical points when jealousy would almost choke me to death.. hehe.. glad those times are over now..
I totally hear you, it's all about freedom of spirit, and having that freedom honoured and understood by your partner is incredibly satisfying, creates a very deep bond.
May I ask, is your partner your primary one? I know there are various polyamory structures, what is yours? Just curious to know. I'm at the moment celibate for six months, after being in and out of relationships since I was a teen.. haha.. now I'm focusing on self-love, my writing and my relationship to God :)
I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts and hope you will read some of mine too!
Yes I totally agree. Have connected with a few on here already and it feels great. Especially considering the fact that we're all creating and supporting each other on here in more ways than one :)
I consider my partner a primary. That seems to be the structure that feels best right now. I know there are other egalitarian styles but this one seems to feel right for now, especially as we continue to strengthen our bond.
That's so great to hear that you're committing to yourself like that. I think that's such a powerful decision to make, especially if you've spent a fair amount of time with others.
I wish you the very best on your journey and yes - I also look forward to experiencing your future creations as well :)
Awesome, thanks for your reply! Wish you lots of love and an ever deepening bond with your primary partner, may both of you flourish and learn lots together :) Yes self-commitment is primary at the moment, and I love every single second of it! Best wishes, I'm sure we'll hear from each other again.
perfect ! i will try ;)
dealll ;-)
Your vivacious post inspired a reply - which is too long to stick up here. (See my blog). Just wanted to wish you well on this adveture. Keep on questing, but "stay safe", as well!
Thank you! You too :)
Thanks for linking to this Axios, that’s an interesting read! It’s definitely good to try out these different structures and see what works best.