reliving my youth

Right now, at this very second, I am reliving my adolescence.

I am sitting in my comfy space, listening to The Beatles as loud as my speakers will go without distorting the sound, smoking a bowl of cheap weed ($39/oz shake) and daydreaming about all the things I'd say, if I only had a chance.

I was much more tormented then. Today I do all of this with a sense of peace, but back then everything I did was colored by the shroud of untreated mental illness, intense bullying and emotional abuse. I was a victim then, and my escape was The Beatles. I spent hours listening to The Beatles, writing down their lyrics and finding hidden meanings in all of their songs. (but not like charlie manson did.) I remember feeling empty and small and alone. I remember feeling unsafe, always. I learned to guard against intrusion, and it is difficult to unlearn. The list of people and situations I trust is incredibly short. It was back then too, probably even more so.

When I was a kid I'd write and write, which I still do. Then, I wrote in notebooks. Now I write on my laptop. I erase 99% of what I write, because back then, everything I wrote was held against me by the Man. My parents, the school, even the cops. I was young and experimenting with words, but my mom searched my belongings and journals regularly and held me accountable for words that I had to own, because I'd written them.... but this should never have happened. I never wrote about anything dangerous or illegal, except the time I made a detailed entry about how to make homemade napalm using gasoline and styrofoam. (I do not know if this works, I have never tried it.)

Because my things were searched weekly, sometimes daily, I learned never to put anything in writing. Everything you write will be held against you, even if you are joking, or quoting someone else, but especially if the words are emotive and powerful. It is remarkable that I write here on Steemit. I do delete posts here, sometimes.

Anyway, here I am, sixteen again. Twenty years have passed and I am still doing the same exact thing I did back then. I never did have any goals for myself, and it looks like I achieved them. I don't feel bad about this.