Awkward moments are relative. I repeat this over and over again. I want to arrive at a new thought. It was easier pumping 15 pound dumbbells almost 50 times earlier. I mull over a few moments I bungled in the past. They reflect shortcomings more than social blunders, like the time I bought a girl a drink at a bar on New Year’s. If I’m honest, my hit rate for awkward moments with the opposite sex is high. Other sources of embarrassment come from a little known fact coming to light. It was hard explaining why I didn’t walk at graduation to my roommates. It was even harder breaking it to my then girlfriend at the time. Awkward moments found their start as the teacher back in the day would walk up and down the aisles collecting busywork I didn’t busy myself with the night before. Sometimes I’m sheepish when I reach a hand out for a greeting and don’t get one back.
If this celebration does one thing, the secret to avoiding awkward moments altogether might emerge. These moments come through when an expectation isn’t met, like the time I tried to pay for Chipotle.
I was rocksteady stoned and ambling up the counter. The young guy who asks “Burrito or bowl” was visibly bothered. He didn’t even speak. He pointed at me when it was my turn. I opened how I always do, asking how the other person is doing, as a greeting before I make my request.
His mouth was an underscore— a bold, horizontal line. He shook his head left to right twice, as if to punctuate the two negative syllables. Uh-uh.
”Gotcha.” I nodded as I stammered out “bowl” and the fixings I picked. I didn’t bother questioning the surprise. I couldn’t tell but he might’ve added some extra pork.
Awkward is an unexpected outcome. Awkward is leaning into kiss your eighth grade girlfriend one time in the hallway after days of texting preamble to see and feel her dodge to the left. I was into her intelligence and cold air. I thought she warmed up to me when she confessed to me. That may be the least graceful age for all of us.
