Sometime I wonder the imaginations of killing one self is like a natural instinctual thing about our own fragile existence. I don't necessarily want to kill myself but when I walk over train tracks or stand on platforms I think about jumping down and a train smashing me. Same over bridges about jumping off or climbing out a window or jumping off a balcony. It's part of human existence that we die and our mind is triggered into reminding us about it. I'm also so where on the autistic spectrum but not diagnosed, I have adhd aswell. I use majiruana but not daily because I don't like how it Alters some of my natural energy and can make me lethargic. Sativa can make me too ocd. Glad you've been able to find a balance.