The term "Peaceful Parenting" should be relatively self-explanatory, but it basically means that you, as a parent, are the grown-up in the relationship with your kids, which means that YOU are the one who must take responsibility for their emotions and teach them how to grow into balanced adults, and therefore -- you don't hit them.
Seems easy enough, right?
But it's not.
Speaking anecdotally, my younger sister would hit her boys when they were infants, meaning under 12 months old. I would assume that even parents that agree with spanking would say that this doesn't make any sense. A baby has no clue how to reason, which means they don't understand at all why they are being hit. All that it does is create hormonal changes in the bodies of these kids to align with a perceived environment of hostility.
It means that they will be physically wired to treat the world as a hostile, dangerous place, where they are likely to be attacked and must always be on guard. This will carry through to early friend and romantic relationships, and later into the workplace and marriage, then even further -- it will carry through into parenthood.
The truth is, according to a nationally representative survey, 76% of men, and 65% of women aged 18 to 65 years old, agreed that a child sometimes needs a "good hard spanking." [*] About 94% of parents of children ages 3 -4 in the US report having spanked their kids in the previous year. [*]
I once had a little tuft on Facebook with a woman who was very pro-spanking. She was so diluted that she accused me of being verbally abusive to my own wife and child simply because I said I use reason and compassion to discipline my child rather than physical punishment. I guess in her mind the fact that I used words to teach my kid when he was misbehaving meant that I was manipulative and abusive to him. That's the sign of a brainwashed mind, if you ask me.
And It went even further, with another person in that conversation trying to claim the classic refrain of: "Well, there's evidence for your side and there's evidence for my side (spanking), and we'll just present the evidence that supports our own beliefs". This is the "it's all relative" refrain -- which I hate.
I don't hold positions because I "believe" in them. I hold positions because they make sense.
So, I asked this fellow to go ahead and provide any researched evidence that showed that spanking was a net-positive disciplinary practice in a child's life. He proceeded to share two links that he obviously didn't read, because the first one didn't mention corporal punishment at all, and the second one had the whole bottom half of the article dedicated to how spanking is a damaging and inappropriate way to discipline a child.
When I pointed that out, he suddenly wasn't interested in the conversation any more. And that's really annoying. It pisses me off that people just proclaim to have a wealth of data supporting their views when they actually don't have a fucking clue. I hate having to do research on other people's views simply because they are too ignorant to do it themselves... but I digress.
To this very day, I have yet to see a researched paper on why spanking is a good thing for children. People have their anecdotal reasons for doing it, but they fly in the face of the actual evidence and research that shows that spanking does nothing good for children, and is in fact the cause of a lot of adult delinquency, antisocial behavior, psychological problems, and drug and alcohol abuse.
So what are we supposed to do with these crazy kids?
Well, we should expect them to act childish.
Because they're children.
Have you ever tried something new? Well, for example, think about when you first started on Steemit. There is no instruction manual for how to do things around here. Most people are coming in blind and have no idea what they're doing. There is a process of trial and error, and some people learn to fit in somewhere, and most don't. Well, as a child, that's how every single thing is for every day of your life up until about 30 years of age.
Children have no idea what they're doing, and they take the first answer they are told as gospel.
I can't stress that enough. From the earliest ages, your children are observing every little thing that you do as a parent. And they are learning how the world works from you. And if you are hitting them when they make mistakes instead of taking the time to understand what their needs are and to teach them how to meet those needs, how do you think they are going to see the world?
What you are supposed to do with an unruly child is to recognize that they are a child, and their emotions to little things are BIG because they only know a fraction of the things that you know. Like, in an RPG, the monsters in the first dungeon are hard because you have no experience, but if you go back to the first dungeon when you've progressed to the end of the game, the monsters are a breeze.
That's what the world of children is like compared to you, the adult. So act like the adult in the relationship, because you are, and don't respond to their emotional outbursts in kind, because what you are inevitably teaching them is that you don't even understand any more of the world than they do.
Children need guidance with their discipline
"Because I said so." is not going to cut it.
I don't care if that's what your parents told you. Don't ever let that be the final explanation to your kids.
Your kids need guidance from you. They are struggling with things that they don't understand. You DO understand these things -- or at least you understand them better. So when your children do things that they aren't supposed to do, you need to help them out of their panicked mindset by being calm and creating an environment where they can accept guidance. Hitting them will do the opposite of this.
When it comes to my own son, there have been times where he is completely out of sorts. It seems like he's gone insane and just doesn't respond to things. In these instances it's important for him to know that whatever he's feeling is ok, and to give him the time and space that he needs to express that feeling so he will be ready to receive measured guidance.
I can tell you that from my own experience, raising my son with Peaceful Parenting has made him very understanding, curious, and compassionate. And his outbursts are very, very minimal. Well... I supposed I can't just say it's because of this parenting approach, but from what I've read and the research I've seen, his behavior is quite symptomatic of a child raised in peace.
Now it's time to share!
What do you think about what I've said? Do you believe in spanking? If so, why, and in what instances?
Let's get a conversation going.
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My son has an issue with headbutting when he gets tired. Sometimes he gets me really good when we are just goofing around before bed. I try and startle him a bit when I know he did it on purpose to let him know that it hurt, even if he may have missed. Just by saying "ouch" loud enough to surprise him the very second he does it. He's only just turning two and it's starting to abate now that he realizes he can hurt people with that action. Just the action of letting him know it hurts and explaining to him why he can't do that is enough. No punishment is required because, like you say, he doesn't realize.
The same with spilling things. He used to spill cups or bowls just because he was curious. Now, after simply showing him that it's not appropriate and someone else has to clean up his mess, he realizes even when something spills on accident now and tries to clean up himself. There's no need for physical punishment, just guidance and patience as they figure things out on their own.
Great examples! There's even a teaching moment and fun activity with the spilling issue: he is curious about what will happen if he does X with kitchen utensils, so you can make a fun "make a mess with kitchen stuff" day to get it out of his system.
I don't recall a single time in my childhood being spanked actually helped in any way, actually I remember a number of times and to this day I still think it was unfair.
That being said I remember being maybe 6 or 7 and having an instance where another child was unwilling to share several communal toys that I wanted to play with too, I would generally share so it seemed reasonable that she would too but she insisted these were for her. So I took one, she cried, fussed and I walked away triumphantly until my mom called me over and snatched it out of my hands. Then I cried, I felt betrayed by her because she was supposed to be on my side. She asked 'how does that feel' I explained and she responded 'that's what you just made her feel like' and I guess a light bulb went off, I -got- it, gave it back and apologized. But I guess the point of my story is -that- one, that's the story that I remember and benefit from today; not the spanking stuff. If anything I still think I was in the right about the other stuff. hah.
That's an excellent story that illustrates a great point: I don't remember anything that I was spanked for doing, but I remember countless of those teachable moments like you describe where a lightbulb goes off.
Spanking erases memories, it doesn't teach lessons.
Parenting is hard, so for the most part, I try to stay out of the arguements about which parenting methods are best. Besides, anytime I claim to have the answer, my solution suddenly stops working. It's a jinx. 😜
That said, although I was spanked as a child and have no lasting trauma, we found that it doesn't work well as a disciplinary method for our kids. I have, however, lightly smacked my baby's hand when she's reached for things that could hurt her, when stating "No" hasn't deterred her. She's too young to be reasoned with, but the light hand smack shows her that when we say "Don't touch," it's serious.
I appreciate your perspective on this touchy issue. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your post. Unlike other sites, people seem to be able to talk about these things here without it starting a so-called "mommy war" (or daddy war). It's really nice.
Indeed. I had a feeling that Steemit could take it. I was right.
:D
I agree with your stance on the issue. I use time-out for my son, never violence. Kids need to be encouraged positively.
I think that you should avoid violence whenever possible, but sometimes, a kid just needs a spanking. But you can't be nice, it has to be a traumatic experience and if done right, it will really teach your kid right from wrong. But if you are fast to violence, (spanking), then they will not learn their lesson and just think that you hate them. You can never do it out of emotions, you can only result to it as a consequence of their actions. But time-outs are good too.
Avoid violence, except sometimes, in which case use violence.
I try to avoid time out whenever possible, too. I'm a little torn on it, actually. But I appreciate your peaceful philosophy to parenting. thank you!
Offering time-outs (opposed to mandating) has worked really well for us. I'm an introvert, and sometimes need to be alone to collect my thoughts and emotions to keep all the input from being too much to process (and I'm an adult!).
This perspective really helped me understand the value of encouraging "the littlest tribe members" (as we must train them to be) to recognize when they are feeling overwhelmed and to take a step back to re-gain composure so that rational results can be achieved.
Now at age 3, when a tantrum is imminent we can ask her, "do you need to take some time for yourself?" and she'll shout, "YES I DO!" grab her teddy bears and go to her room until she's calm. ...The hardest part is keeping a straight face.
That's so adorable! And a great example. Thank you!
I was spanked as a child. It seemed a semi-logical example of results of poor behavior. Most of all it was a lesson in obedience.
I also spanked my children. Once I was challenged with the task of teaching my children to control the words they used. It took the creation of a black paddle named Sting to remedy their use of foul language. Causing your children pain, but pain teaches us all. I do not know a superior method, but my days of parenting are over. I a proud of my four sons.
I'm glad that your sons have made you proud.
Every family is different, but for my family, spanking does not fit with my parenting style. I agree that it is sending the wrong message. Why would I want my daughter to think that it's ok if mommy hurts her when she doesn't follow orders. What kind of woman am I trying to raise?
This is the question that I think too few parents are comfortable asking themselves.
Thanks for your comment!
Parenting, the hardest but most rewarding job in the world!
Children do appear to be insane some of the time. Lol
Love This...
The amount of people who shame you cause you refuse to let the kid 'cry it out'. Say how giving them love and attention is 'spoiling' them. Even got bitched at for letting my sleep with me when he was a baby, now thank goodness he has his own bed, but sometimes he still sleeps with me.
Yet, those same people have kids who bully, and hit other kids. Terrorize their parents, are narcissistic and self entitled.
However my son and I get complimented when we run our errands, and he gets in trouble at school for helping other kids. lol
A problem I much prefer.
I am still teaching him to stand up for himself, is a very large work in progress.
You sound like you're doing a great job!
Thanks so much for sharing your story. :)
Thank you, I try to do my best for him as I see it.
Most welcome, those who parent from the heart aren't very common anymore. Was very glad you shared.
Well thank you. That means a lot :)
You are very welcome. :)
Violence is violence. It has no positive side to it besides self-defense. I'm against the use of violence verbal or corporal and even more so towards the most vulnerable of our society.
I couldn't agree more.
I've also seen some other memes about Luis that lead me to believe that he's a very involved and teacherly parent.
Thanks for sharing
He seems like such an awesome guy.
This was a great read. My son is turning one in about a week and is very curious. he also bites me when I'm not paying attention to him or when he's tired or frustrated... He clearly cannot be reasoned with yet but I totally see the value of explaining things to him once he's able to understand. Thanks for this.
Congratulations! A one year old boy is a real delight to spend time with :D
You're right, he perhaps cannot be reasoned with yet, and that, to me, is the main reason not to spank really young children: if they can't reason, they don't know why you're spanking them. But, if you approach them with compassion and guidance, even if they don't understand quite yet, you are laying the groundwork for rationality and problem solving.
Thanks for commenting!
I think sometimes, if a kid continually steps over boundaries, and knows it's the wrong thing to do, a smack would help. But I think it really depends on the kid, and what they are actually doing 'wrong'. There is a difference between discipline and abuse. I think it's best to talk and reason rather than hit, I just don't think a smack is bad all of the time.
I would ask you to try switching the variable and see if the logic still applies. What if your adult child keeps overstepping boundaries? Is it ok to smack them? What about a spouse, or a parent with dementia? Or how about, instead of a child, it was an employee or a coworker? Are these people ok to be hit? Would there be certain circumstances where it's fully appropriate to hit your boss, your grandparent, your wife, etc?
Honest question, btw. Not trolling.
Thanks!
Yeah that's a good point. I'm basically swayed to your side now
I couldn't agree with you more. Anyone that thinks hitting a child is acceptable is suffering from cognitive dissonance or is themselves damaged. It is beyond obvious that hitting a child is wrong. As far as I can make out, most adults behave like big children...so children hitting children...bad news indeed.
Indeed. It's not an easy thing, parenting. But if one is a parent themselves, it's essential that they realize their roll in the relationship as the adult. The adult must take responsibility for the child, as the child is not yet accountable for their actions.
Thank you for the comment. I liked it.
I was spanked, I don't think it had any negative consequences for me. I don't know if it's right or it's wrong, but it feels wrong to me. Simply put, I don't feel right spanking my kid, so I have to find other alternatives. I think spanking an infant is just misreading the queues - swaddle, feed, burp, hug, change diaper, repeat is all a baby needs.
Thank you for your unique perspective. When it comes to calming infants, have you seen the power of "Om"?
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Thank you for this, I am trying to find different ways to discipline my 2 young girls that have lots of energy to say the least. I have a very very very bad habit of taking my daily stress out on them & the reason I know this is because something they do at 9 am I would not react the same as if they did the same exact thing at 7 pm. They are still doing annoying things, however it's not their fault I had a day full of other stresses.
I appreciate your honesty.
This sounds like an opportunity to practice emotional mastery. They are children, so they don't have a lot of emotional intelligence because they simply lack guided experience. Your job is to show them how to manage their energy and emotion. And I think a lot of that involves recognition. If their emotions are validated "it's ok to feel angry or sad, so go ahead and tell me what's upsetting you", and their energy is redirected to something which is manageable -- say, like park activities -- then that might make a difference?
As a parent to be, I hope i wouldn't have to resort to a spanking. I agree that as parents, we need to explain the rationale so that kids will learn and understand. A few of my classmates would get spanked all the time but they still remained 'rotten'.
My mum used to cane us but explain her action at the same time. I think this should be the last resort and best avoided if possible.
I can just imagine the same logic being applied in the workplace.
When an employee does the wrong thing, take them aside and hit them with a cane, but explain why you're doing it while you do it so they understand.
It just doesn't make any sense to me. :/
@shayne
I'm not a parent but if I become a parent someday, I'll try to apply some of these tips. It's always good to learn from those who have had some life experience! Thanks for sharing! :)
Oh, you're welcome! I'm glad if this post could be of any help.
thanks for sharing we all need the peace knowing we doing the best for our kids
you may wont to read my post on smiling
https://steemit.com/life/@writemore/smile-you-on-steemit
We too often expect kids to act like adults. Hell, I myself don't even want to act like an adult sometime. I have the 'freedom' of not yet having kids but whenever my niece comes around, I let my inner child loose. It really helps to take a moment and consider what the world feels/seems like from the eyes of an intelligent, very capable child.
I relate to this. In my case I think it's because I lacked parenting generally. I was just sort of left to my own devices. It basically made me into an adult sized kid lol
Really good post! Thank you. I'm absolutely agree with you! My little familly is living an unschooling life and I have a lot to say about peaceful parenting but it's hard for me to do it in english so I'm gonna say it in my native language, french. La parentalité bienveillante est à la base de notre mode de vie dit unschooling. Mes enfants sont des êtres humains à part entière avec les mêmes droits que moi. Ils ont le droit d'être eux-mêmes et de vivre librement leurs émotions. Je ne suis pas là pour les juger, les modifier, les changer, les mouler, les mettre en cage. Mon rôle est de les acceuillir tel qu'ils sont, les accompagner, d'être là pour eux, de les écouter, de les conseiller, de les aider. Être parent c'est merveilleux mais cela demande d'être aussi un parent pour soi-même, cela demande de se regarder soi-même et d'avoir l'humilité, la vulnérabilité et le courage de voir nos faiblesses et nos défaults, de grandir pour le mieux afin de ne pas transmettre à nos enfants les chaînes que nos propres parents n'ont pas su briser pour eux et pour nous. Cheminer et grandir avec nos enfants, être un modèle positif voilà ce qu'est pour moi la parentalité bienveillante et le unschooling.
From Google Translate:
Beautiful comment! And I'm sure it sounds even more beautiful in French.
Thank you!
Never though before to use google translate... I will use it now! Thank you
Shane if I could give this 10 votes I would. Reasoning with children takes longer but it's an example that they will remember in later life.
People that believe in the other route basically run out of patience and will always quote. "It never did me any harm". With that said how do these same people then decide to reason with adults when they refuse to do what they want.
Thank you!
I think that spanking parents perhaps haven't experienced the satisfaction of successfully reasoning with their children.
When you are able to explain a lesson to your child and you see the lightbulb go off in their eyes, or you finish an instruction and say "does that make sense?" and they answer with a confident "Yes", there is hardly a better feeling as a parent.
Because you've helped them substantially in their development. Rather than neglecting their need to be taught, or regressing their curiosity by hitting them, you've satisfied them in the best way possible.
And that is one of the best feelings in the world.
I was spanked as a kid. Most kids my generation were, so we thought it was normal. I spanked my child a few times too. She says shes not damaged by it. Now I wish I hadnt done it. Im in my early sixties now and look foward to peaceful parenting my future grandkids.
Its funny how theres a role reversal here. Among my older friends I see them being neglected and not cared for enough. Children do not realise that as parents age they behave like infants. They need peaceful parenting and gentle love too. I hope every parent and every child with parents will practise peaceful parenting. Thanks for ur great post here.
I love this post. I'm a new mum to my 7 month old and I'm an attachment and peaceful parent. It's what feels right to me and everything I've read confirms that how I feel.
I am struggling with being in the minority in my community though. I'm the only mum at our parents group that co-sleeps, breastfeeds and starting out on peaceful parenting. I let my girl eat food from my plate, not mushy food that I'm forcing into her via a spoon. Other mums don't quite get it though and I'm facing a lot of negative comments.
It's ok though. I've realised that I've got a thick skin when it comes to anything to do with my girl. I'll do it my way, they can do it theirs. The difference being that I don't feel the need to tell them when we disagree on things!
It's been a great journey in these short 7 months of her life and I'm looking forward to seeing her grow.
Bravo! Dr Bruce Lipton has shown in his research children from age 0-7 operate at the Theta brain wave pattern. This is the same pattern used for hypnosis. Essentially, this means children are downloading sub routines into their subconscious that last their entire life. Why is that so important??? Well Dr Lipton has shown that our conscious mind only operates 5% of our activities a day where our subconscious runs 95% of the time. Ever have a conversation in the car and not remember any details of the drive but you still made it there safe???? So those formidable years really are important after all, big time. The sins of the father are past to the son, rings true when you know this.
@shayne I am late to your post but found it through a parenting search with @furion's new mentions app https://steemit.com/steem/@furion/introducing-the-mentions-app-for-steem
I am a HUGE fan of children. They are the most precious and pure beings on the planet and we have much to learn from them. I have written many posts on parenting, my most recent two about discipline. Perhaps you would like to take a peek and see if this resonates with you.
https://steemit.com/parenting/@everlove/what-can-we-do-besides-discipline-punish-our-children
https://steemit.com/parenting/@everlove/disciplining-children-questioning-the-norm
I raised my children in the light of treating them as the divine beings that they are and continue to be a advocate for honoring children. I would love to ignite discussion between posts about this most important topic. Children are our future and the choices we make will not only create their future, but also the future of humanity. Thanks for your post. Let's keep the discussion rolling!