I got called in the principles office yesterday. They said Atlas is causing an uproar amongst her peers.

MY Atlas?! Daddy's G - A Model Female Dog, her? 'Uproar?' You must've mistaken her for a different dog.

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Both the principal and her instructor assured me we're talking about the same dog. "Atlas, the only Czech Shepherd in class, her." He continued.

It was cute the first week, we chose to ignore it. But now all of the other dogs are in on it. It's truly become a hindrance.

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Atlas already completed basic and advanced training. Scored highest in class. Learned how to bite and release and track and all that. Her commands are on point, I'll put her skills up against any dog. I highly doubt she's causing an uproar. The class is called deep sense. It's where they learn techy stuff like how to differentiate between bomb ass kush and shwagg.

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In on what?

Excuse me?

You said all of the other dogs are in on it. In on what?

The identity thing. Doug, a golden lab, one of her classmates, now he won't participate unless we call him a refrigerator.

WHAT???

It's true. And students are all followers. Take Rosy, for example, the Jack Russel over there running in circles, she identifies as a sprinkler now and refuses to smell fentanyl without a garden hose.

And the Great Dane, Simone, she identifies as a possum. All she'll do is play dead.

And Atlas instigated all this, how?

According to her, she's a gorilla. The whole class calls her a gorilla because that's what you call her, she said. We played along in the beginning but now it's gotten out of hand and needs resolved to prevent future disruptions.

L - L - L

I fought the urge to laugh out loud.

Gorilla.. Am I understanding this correctly? This thing, whatever this thing is we're doing right now isn't about her temperament or obedience or intelligence?

Correct. What seemed harmless in the beginning quickly became an overnight sensation. Now the other students refuse to participate unless we stop calling them dogs.

That's your issue, not mine.

That's why we've asked you here today. We don't think it would have escalated had your dog not mentioned it in the first place and, with your help, we're confident we can proceed as soon as she understands she's not a gorilla.

She knows she's a female dog.

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This is a misunderstanding.

I explained how when she was brand new she'd say grill instead of girl so when I'd call her good girl, she thought I meant good grill and, rather than explain it every time, we just went with it—'good grill.' Never did I think I'd have to explain myself. Nearly a year and a half later, she'll be 2 in October, grill has become 'grill-uh' and 'gO-rill-uh' is just an evolution of that. But she absolutely understands she's a dog.

She doesn't think she's a gorilla, it's how she says girl.

Taking what you've said in consideration, we'd like to suggest you begin referring to her as a good girl at home rather than good gorilla. She's bright, it won't take long for her to adapt and, once she does, her classmates will follow suit and we can continue without further interruption.

Big bright eyes and smiles, both of them, like a pair of English chaps when the sun comes out. Even stood up to shake my hand and excuse me from the room as though we're finished.

Who's the instructor here, Atlas or you?

Looking back and forth between the two but directed my question to the instructor.

I don't understand.

Who.. You, an educated person or, her, a German Shepherd Dog? Who's the instructor?

Obviously I am, not her.

Then tell her she's a dog! Tell Doug and Simone and whoever else they're dogs. Student / teacher. I shouldn't have to tell you how to talk to a dog.

We believe all bad habits begin at home. Their classroom behavior is a direct result of their living environment.

I can't believe you pulled me aside for this. They're dogs. Walk on all fours, bark and have canines, wag their tail and need let out in the middle of the night. They're not appliances for fucks sake.

You're not the first nor the last. It's all the hype these days. I just found out last week my neighbor Terry has a turtle who insists she's an ashtray.

Aren't you embarrassed?

Of course not. My neighbor smokes like a chimney, I tend to agree with the turtle.

Look.. We can all tell by looking, Simone's not a rodent. I couldn't care less what they call each other outside the classroom, they're dogs! I call my friends all kinda things. In a professional setting, however, such as a classroom like this, just call them by their name.

I stood up. Figured I'd excuse myself and give these educators an opportunity to stop digging a hole. But they had other plans.

We're an institution who takes identity seriously. Unfortunately your reaction leaves us no choice but to terminate Atlas from deep sense. We'll refund your tuition but we're going to have to ask you to leave.

Fair enough. Where is she? 'Atlas!' It's your institution, not mine. Careful what you wish for.

What do you mean?

ATLAS!!!

I mean if today Doug's a refrigerator and a girl can't say gorilla without explaining herself then, careful what you wish for. It's just a matter of time until they got you all sounding like idiots speaking in tongues.

AAT - Oh!

Alright, well, It's been real. Thanks for having us! Soon as she's done we'll get outta here.

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