My Journey with Pure- O OCD . . .

This post has by far been the most difficult for me to write, it's about my life journey with OCD (Obsessional Compulsive Disorder). . .

When people think of OCD, they have a vision in their minds of someone compulsively washing their hands, cleaning, freaking out about germs and infections and having crippling anxiety when entering a "messy" room. My journey? Not quite. . .

See my experiences with OCD is a little different. I have suffered from a type of OCD otherwise known as "purely obsessional" OCD. This is OCD where all the obsessions occur in the mind. I don't have "outward" compulsions, so I don't obsessively wash my hands, my house is not immaculate, I am not in the slightest bit phased by germs and if you were to meet me in person and had not read this, you would have absolutely no idea that this is something that I have had to battle with from the tender age of 9 years old.

Firstly, let me explain a little bit about "Pure O OCD". Here is a little definition for you below taken from the OCD-UK website . .

"Pure O’ is a form of OCD where people mistakenly believe that it differs from traditional OCD, in that it features no outward compulsive manifestations; instead, the anxiety-inducing obsessions take place only in the mind"

Pure O OCD has a variety of themes and they are mainly taboo subjects. Think of the most frightening, evil person that you could become and that is what the mind of someone who has Pure O OCD will obsess about on a daily basis. These are some themes:

1. Harm OCD: This is where an individual will obsess that they may be dangerous. They fear killing other people, harming their loved ones, harming themselves when they have no intention to, have fears that they may be a serial killer, fear that they may be a psychopath etc. As a result of this obsession, they may avoid being near sharp objects, avoid watching the news in case they stumble across a murder story, avoid being left alone with loved ones in fear that they will loose control, avoid being left alone with their baby or small children etc. If the Harm OCD is based around fears that one may harm them-self, then they may avoid being left alone in fear that will loose control and hurt them-self, avoid being around knives etc in fears they may slit their wrists or stab them-self, avoid being near a train in fear they will jump in front of it, avoid driving a car in fear that they may purposely crash the vehicle etc.

2. Relationship OCD (ROCD): This is where an individual will obsess about their feelings for their partner CONSTANTLY. They will worry about whether or not they truly love their partner, if they want to be with them anymore, if they are faithful, if their partner loves them etc. It is a constant worry and obsession. It is NOT a case that they aren't in love with them, but rather that they are very much in love with them but they are worried that they aren't. They may start to "check" their feelings on a regular basis, ruminate about their feelings in their mind and they battle with constant questions in their mind about their relationship.

3. Homosexual or Gay OCD (HOCD): This is where an individual will obsess about their sexuality. They worry and fear that they are gay, the question their feelings towards the same sex, they panic and "check" if they are sexually attracted towards the same sex. They ask typical questions in their mind such as "am I gay?" or "maybe I am bisexual because of these thoughts?". These obsessions are not the same as someone questioning their sexuality, they are obsessions which cause great fear and high anxiety levels. These people who suffer from this are NOT homophobic, they do not dislike gay people, they just fear for their own sexuality.

4. Schitz OCD: This is where an individual develops an obsession that he or she may be schizophrenic. They worry and fear that they do not have OCD and in fact suffer from a serious psychiatric disorder (schizophrenia). They constantly "check" themselves for symptoms, look on Google and search endless hours on the internet for signs and symptoms, they often ask for reassurance from family members or friends to make sure that they are not "psychotic" , they become worried that they may start hearing and seeing things that are not there (hallucinations). These people are far from psychotic, they are not schizophrenic and are in fact quite the opposite, they are very self aware.

5. AIDS OCD: This is where an individual develops an obsession that they have or will develop AIDS. They worry and fear that they have somehow come into contact with AIDS even though rationally, they know very much that this is not possible (unless they actually have).

6. Pedophile OCD (POCD): This is where an individual worries and fears that they may be or may become a pedophile. They constantly have high-anxiety about being a pedophile, it scares them. They avoid being around children and young people, they avoid watching or reading about news stories of pedophiles. I just want to make people aware here that these people who have this obsession are NOT pedophiles. They are NOT a danger to children. They do NOT want these obsessions. They are the opposite, people who are pedophiles are not bothered about their attraction to children and it does NOT cause them anxiety , to them, it is very normal.

These are not all of the themes of Pure-O OCD and the list can be endless. Often, someone who suffers from Pure-O OCD can find that their "themes" often change and not one theme sticks around for long, but often changes. Now as you can see from the list above, I have listed some of the most common themes experienced by people with Pure-O OCD. The themes are designed to attack the person because in that persons mind, they fear the most worst thing and they fear to be something or someone who they truly aren't. This is why this disorder in particular can be very debilitating and can cause a person to become very depressed. Now, below is my own personal journey of suffering from Pure-O OCD, not a lot of people know I actually have suffered from this apart from a few close family members. Another thing about Pure-O OCD is that the themes can be so taboo (as you can see from examples above), that most of the time, we do NOT disclose our obsessions to anyone, in fears that people may misunderstand us and mistake us for someone who is evil, psychotic, a potential murderer and so on. Often, most health professionals are even unaware of Pure-O OCD, I have come across doctors, therapists and psychiatrists who do not know what it is. People are often mis-diagnosed and that can be very dangerous to someone who is suffering from this.

Firstly, I have NEVER been on medication for this, that is not to say I didn't need it, it was more of a personal choice as I have my own opinions about medication for anxiety-related illnesses, and OCD is essentially an anxiety disorder.
Here is my story. . .

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Now I chose to use the image above because if someone was to see me on the outside, they would have no idea what I have had to deal with in my mind.

My Pure-O OCD first made an appearance when I was around 9 years of age. At the time, I did not know what it was, I just thought it was a "phobia" that I was experiencing and as a young child, even though it was something so small, it affected my quality of life for a short period of time. I started to become obsessed with the fear of being sick. I would obsess about it daily and when I say daily, I mean it consumed my mind 99% of the time. I had thoughts such as "what if I am sick?" and "if I eat this will it make me sick?" and "I can't go anywhere other than my home because I might be sick". I would sit in school and worry about being sick, play with my friends and worry about being sick, avoid eating certain foods in fears of me being sick, go to bed worrying about being sick and wake up wondering if I would be sick that day. Now to a "normal" person, they may have the thought pop into their mind, but they are able to push this aside. It only went away when one day I actually vomited and I thought "oh that wasn't too bad" this is why exposure therapy is great for OCD because when you face the fear head on, it can't exist.

Now years went by and fast forward to when I am around 11 years of age. I am playing out with my friends and I start to wonder "what if I am gay?" and "I don't want to be gay, or do I?" and "what if I am a lesbian?" You get the jist. . . of course I wasn't, but because I wasn't the thoughts filled my mind and scared me and once again, my mind was consumed with this silly obsession. Now I am 23, I look back and think to myself how silly that thought was. I am not gay, but so what if I was?

Everything seemed to go smoothly until I was around the age of 14 and then I started to obsess about dying. I worried about dying in my sleep, dropping dead and even worried about killing myself. I would have thoughts such as "what if I kill myself?" and "what if I go to sleep and never wake up?" and "what if I throw myself in front of that car when I don't want to?" I didn't want to die. I feared it. I was obsessed with death, wondering why we died, worrying about what happens when we die, the lot.

Fast forward to when I am 17 years of age- I gave birth to my eldest son who is now 5. At this point, I STILL didn't know I had OCD, I just assumed I was a "worrier". I was extremely young as was not ready for a child, I know that now. This has to be the hardest of my journey with OCD, I started to suffer from Harm OCD (as I explained above). I was scared and worried that harm would come to my newborn. The thoughts first appeared when he was 5 days old, I was bathing him when a thought just "popped" into my head, "what if he drowns?" all of a sudden, a rush of adrenaline ran through my body, I quickly took him out of the bath tub and got him dry and dressed. I cried and I was screaming inside, what was wrong with me? Was I a monster? Am I fit to be a mother? This theme continued on for a total of 3 years, without me telling anyone. On the outside, everyone told me how good of a mother I was, how dedicated, how responsible for my age and so on. Little did they know what I was battling inside. I did not tell the doctor, pretended I was OK when the health visitor came around and nobody would have guessed that anything was wrong with me. Every day for three whole years I was consumed with Harm thoughts. I would avoid being alone with my son, I felt scared and trapped and I thought I was destined to be a murderer. I wish I knew then what I know now and it wasn't until I had a break down that I finally sought the help I had needed for years.

I eventually confided in a so-called therapist. I was very open with her and discussed with her my thoughts and feelings. This was a very big step for me, I opened up for the first time about my Harm OCD. I told her EVERYTHING. Was she helpful? Unfortunately not. She did not have a clue about Pure-O OCD and this is when I came to learn that not many health professionals did. Instead, she phoned my doctor and saw me as a danger to be around my child. This was dangerous to me, within days my doctor was phoning me and assessing me over the phone. He quickly knew that I was not psychotic in the slightest, I was very much aware of everything so he asked to see me in person and said that there was "nothing wrong with me" and diagnosed me with anxiety as I had been diagnosed with this all my life. I felt disheartened, deflated and defeated. I was loosing hope and falling into a very dark hole and I was severely depressed.

I then decided to spend some time at a meditation retreat. There, I learnt meditation and coping mechanisms for my anxiety levels and it was extremely helpful. It gave me the break I needed in life to rejuvenate myself and allowed me to learn to TRUST myself. There, I dealt with past-trauma and my feelings and obsessions. However, I also researched and found an amazing CBT therapist who was specialized in OCD.

When I first visited this OCD therapist, I was nervous to open up about my past experiences in fear that he would see me as a danger and it took me a while. I eventually revealed everything and to my surprise, he understood everything I was telling him and reassured me that I was NOT a danger to anybody especially my child. I worked with him for a year and he really did change my life.

I have recently got over "schitz OCD" and have recently given birth to my youngest son. I can say with confidence that OCD no longer affects me the way it used to, I have tools and coping mechanisms which will help me now for the rest of my life. I am proud of my journey and I am proud of me. I would still be a little apprehensive to reveal my past suffering to people as there will always be someone out there who wouldn't understand it, but that's OK.

I am really interested to know if anybody else suffers with Pure-O OCD on here and if so how you have found your journey. Or even if you just post a link below to your OCD posts and I can give you a follow and have a read of your material.

Please if you need any help, then get it. We are not odd we are very much ordinary and deserve to live an amazing life just as is every other being on this planet. I hope you enjoyed reading my story as it was extremely difficult for me to write. . .

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