Irah-writes: What I really want...

}

I stared blankly at my ceiling full of cobwebs and then I contemplated and asked myself, "Is this what I really want?"

I am in my third year of studying medical technology, another episode of self-doubting as negative thoughts commence to creep into my fatigue brain, and doubts start to swallow me up whole, unsure of whether the toxicity that gave me came from the environment I am surrounded with, or just plainly my own silhouette. But each day seems like a never-ending routine of study-sesh, gulping-that-one-last-sip-of-coffee-just-to-stay-awake-and-pretending-to-be-a-night-owl, and disappointments...thus, in this pandemic where pressure and loneliness are juxtaposed with medical e-learning made me suffocate into a ghastly feeling. I didn't ask for this nor expected any of these, but I desired to fulfill my dreams; I wanted learning to be fun and exciting; and I wanted to spark that academic fervor within me, but now I am seemingly instilled with fear and pressure.

When I was a kid I've always wanted to incline myself to the medical world. I loved white coats and stethoscopes. I loved to see people attending to patients in need. I loved their proclivities. But to love and to know are two different things, and to genuinely love means knowing and enduring something so intensely and back then, I didn't know so much...until now.

Flashback to my early college years, as an average student who had to suffer the ugly traffic from bumper to bumper made me want to challenge myself to work hard, to manage the golden time I've only had, and to harness that grit deep within --- lowkey wishing to attain an honorable place. And she (me) did, but He (God) gave me more than what I desired. It was fulfilling and I was beyond grateful.

But now, I've grown tired. Admiring those white coats, stethoscopes, and whatnot is nothing compared to be actually putting myself to a pair of medical student's shoes, and in the future, a healthcare worker's scrub. To simply put, the journey is indeed tough and now I am all left with questions full of uncertainties and doubts. As of the moment, all I know is that I do not hold the clouded future, but experiencing disappointments after disappointments and already laying down my sacrifices made me doubt about my future after feeling all so blue and thinking of all the years that have gone by but felt like I didn't really achieve anything substantial. So, I asked myself one more time with another pinpointing question, "Will everything be all worth it in the end?"

I don't want to spend my entire 20's in my room cramming another chapter for tomorrow's exam. I don't want to wake up the next morning worrying of the countless pages I haven't read and bagging all the frustrations and disappointments thereafter. It's a sickening, saddening feeling where a dream once now becomes a sad reality. It has consumed me enough to change me to become someone who is bland and gloomy.

I want to wake up the next morning with a spark of interest and enthusiasm - a sweet delight of inspiration. I want to learn new things but without the feeling of fear and pressure. I want to take everything at my own pace, becoming the best version of myself as I try to explore what really excites me. I want to live a life that will help me grow and blossom in all aspects --- a life that is crafted by God.

But maybe to live a life with such view, one must endure the hurdles set forth. I know what I'm feeling right now isn't permanent --- that someday I'll get to be where God leads me.

xoxo @incredibleirah