Five hours ago I looked at my calendar and realized tomorrow is New Years Eve. I'm supposed to feel reflective and all, but I simply don't this year. I guess it's a good thing: it's often the lesser years where I 'feel' the year ending, looking back at the bad parts and hoping next year will bring something better.

One NYE I literally broke down in tears at 00:00. I had a house full of guests because I lived in an amazing apartment overlooking the Dutch National Fireworks show, and when it was 00:00 and the firework started I stood in front of the windows overlooking my beloved city and just cried and cried and cried.

I remember several hands touching my shoulders, back, some arms hugging me, and voices calling my boyfriend: "You have to come, I don't know what to do", because nothing seemed to slow down my crying.

Just 20 minutes before 00:00 a friend had made an unfortunate move which caused all the champaign glasses that I had dusted off so we could do a toast at midnight to glide from the counter, breaking in hundreds of thousands of pieces. All of the glasses fell, I guess it were about 20 of them, and the immense sound that made had made me feel shaky.

It wasn't the cause of my crying - although the friend believed for all of it that he had made me cry just because he broke those glasses. I had to console him, later, when I finally did stop crying, it wasn't him. The physical stress I had felt from the sound of breaking glass had simply made my already tense evening, that I wished to be over so I could finally enter a new and hopefully BETTER year, even tenser and it literally was the last drop.

I can't remember any other time in my life I cried for so long.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a post where I was going to list my favourite movies of 2019, or something similar, instead it became a freewrite.

I think I did fine in 2019 - despite a rough start which was an outlier of a longer string of difficult years, in the second half I've made some progress in some parts of my life. Especially finding a new artistic passion that gets me into a creative flow is a 'big one' that I will write on top of 'good things of 2019'. I missed feeling the creative flow I used to experience when walking for hours on the street, making awesome street photo series. Since I can't do those hour-long walks anymore I miss out on that amazing feeling I experience when I get 'in the flow'. I found 'the flow' back in my felting.

So yay for me and yay for 2019. You weren't a bad one. I believe 2020 can become even better - if I focus on creativity, health and fitness, and connecting more with friends and family. Let that be written on the blockchain. I guess I freewrote my 'good intentions' for 2020.

How about you? Are you feeling reflective yet?