My Wartime Diary. Small pleasures of life in the sea of pain

It has been a while since I last wrote.

I rarely write, so it's still hard. I'm like a sailor on a ship lost in the sea, staring at the horizon all day hoping to see the shore... Waiting and tension paralyze. Psychologists give the simplest advice that may seem trivial to the average person. Exercise, shower, walk. It's hard for me to force myself to do that, to break out this freezing. And the pain in my back has returned.

💭The war entered my everyday life and my consciousness. My beautician says it's scary. And I think that's good, because these new habits help to survive, and the war is not over. I have noticed that my subconscious is blocking out pleasant memories and emotions. But sometimes they break out, and then I cry. I often hear phantom sirens. And the roar of cars and motorcycles is annoying during an air raid, because it seems to me that I will not be able to hear and react in time to the sounds of an explosion, or a rocket flight, or the roar of an airplane.

📅📌 Kyiv is gradually recovering. In recent days, air raids have again become as frequent as in the first weeks. But, thanks to the Armed Forces, not a single missile fell on the city. On the streets you can increasingly see small kids with their parents, foreigners, including journalists, various celebrities. As well as queues for free food. Many locals have left, but there are also many refugees from the east.

📅📌 Last Saturday, for the first time, the weekend farmers' market officially started. The farmers' market is fresh produce and lower prices. There were few farmers, about a quarter of the usual number. I did not see any familiar faces.

I'm used to buying not what I want, or what I'm used to, but what they have. And do not complain. Before, I didn't know what stale eggs looked like. If stored properly, but for too long, the raw egg white is very difficult and sometimes impossible to separate from the yolk, it is so tight. In fresh eggs, the white is completely liquid and fluid.

📅📌 Life goes on, the economy revives. The other side of the coin - my 3-month loan deferral also ends this month. When I took out a loan, we expected use my monthly salary for monthly payment and live on Nick's salary. Our daily budget for each was about $15 a day (now it's $13 with current rate). And we managed to stick close to budget, more or less, but now Nick gets the minimum wage paid to him by the company, and that's all his income. So, we have 3 months to resolve this issue. The miracle did not happen, and the super-economy mode returns. The bad news is that prices have raised, and the good news is that our demands and needs have become more modest. However, the risks are still very high, but this is what I have no power to change.😳

📅📌 A friend of my friend called me and offered to meet. There are not so many of us in Kyiv, those who used to hang out together. For me, any meeting with a living person is a joyful event. We hugged each other with tears, and hold as long as it was decent.😚 We sat on the summer terrace of a cafe in the center of Kyiv, talking about everything. About the first terrible hours and days and, about friends who left, about gun license for civilians, about how we can be more helpful for our AF and country, and what will happen after the war.

l didn't realize the time, and I missed that the subway closes much earlier than usual. My friends were planning to take a taxi, and I ran to the subway. The entrance closed about a minute before I arrived, at 7:37 p.m. I had to take a taxi as well. BTW, municipal transport is still free in Kyiv.

📅📌 On Mother's Day I was alone. I would very much like to hug my mother and say "love you" in person. When I was growing up, she never said "I love you". Her childhood was extremely severe. She grew up in Siberia without a father who died in a KGB prison in Ukraine, and my grandmother's main task was to survive. I had a father who died from cancer when he was 56. We lived a little better, but we still in poverty, and my parents were just as afraid of the regime as their parents were. Afraid and hated. Ukrainians have never loved Soviet regime, so we do not miss it. And those who regret it don't identify themselves as Ukrainians.

But I'm a mom too. And my sweet daughter surprised me by sending a small parcel. T-shirt with the phrase, which became one of the memes of the 2022 war - "Good evening, we are from Ukraine", and a jar of nuts with honey. She decorated everything with yellow and blue stickers, and put a small handwritten note. Her handwriting has not changed since she was a little girl and wrote me the same notes with hearts. And she dedicated an insta story to me, and it was very touching. 💖 I am glad that I raised such a good girl.

📅📌 I became a Lucky Owner of “Russian ship go f…” postage stamp. 😍 When I received SMS from my local post office I almost forgot about it. It was quite a lot story. It took me a while to place the first order. After almost of hour of clicking and refreshing, I got to the finish with a message that I receive a link for pay later. The order had "waiting" status during a week or 10 days. Then I received an email from Ukrposhta, informing that my order was cancelled, but tomorrow at 9AM I will receive another link where I can reorder a postmark (only 1 stamp and 2 envelopes for one registered user), and it will be valid during an hour, and at 10AM online shop will start working for everyone. I clicked during an hour but couldn't finish the order. After 10AM I started over. BTW, prices were 10 times higher but it's still not a big money. Eventually, after 1,5 hours of clicking and refreshing I placed an order and payed it.

Well, it was worth it. I found at the post office, that W means international stamp, while F is domestic. When the staff heard that I had received the stamp, they begged me to open the envelope right there and show me what it looks like live. Other clients also came to see. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I kept smiling all the way home. 😁

📅📌 In 2 days I received another package! It was from @livinguktaiwan 🤗. For the first time, not a military stuff but something for me personally 💙🙏 This is so sweet and touching! The feeling was like I'm a child unpacking a birthday gift (in fact, my birthday is in May). 😊 I don't know how, but she was right on point. You know, there are little things that seems not necessary (especially in terms of war) and you put off a purchase for better times. That's it! (Cookies ran out first 😊😋)

I was so surprised by fast delivery, it took only 8 days! I shared my joyful news with Nick, and he joked that the package probably travelled to Ukraine in the same container with NLAW. 😄 Here, I found that normal people have no idea what is NLAW. Yes, this is the way it should be.

📊 More good news and reporting.

I reached out to you for help in my previous post to raise money for collimator for Nick's division. I raised a half of amount from your donations and my post payouts, another half was sent from the special fund of my company - money that my work mates collected. And we bought that clever stuff and brought to Kyiv! Nick asked me to say THANK YOU!

📅📌 Nick has called, he has news too. There's going to be a change. Due to formalities and bureaucracy, their current status will change. On the one hand, it's good to have certainty. On the other hand, it depends on what awaits them. The good news is that changes will come soon.

Everything will be fine, but this does not mean that everything will be the same as before.