Why the Fuck Should I Watch: Primal (2019)?

Why the fuck should you watch “Primal”?
• You think that “Sharknado” had the best CGI in the world and want to see something similar.
• You love yelling: “Just shoot him, and it’s over!!”
• You need some comforting that you don’t need to do things perfectly to make some money.
• You like wordplays that are true. For example: Nicolas Cage likes to cage.

Frank Walch (Nicolas Cage) hunts and catches wild animals for selling. He is not particularly a good man but has some very slight sense of right and wrong. He hits a motherload when catches a white jaguar what is worth a lot of money – almost as much as a black polar bear. Only thing to do is to transport it with a boat that looks to be a scrape yard material and has a super dangerous prisoner (Kevin Durand) on board. What can go wrong, right? That means everything goes wrong immediately BTW.

So, how to review a bad movie? Hoping for a good movie out of it would have been as pointless hoping a horrible dark ending from a Disney cartoon. I knew very well what I was getting myself into: low budget, low scores everywhere, Nicolas Cage in the leading role (he’s not know for good movies lately) and Director is Nick Powell who has done only one (bad) movie before. If I would start bashing this movie, it would feel like beating a man, who is already down and out, into the man bits and laugh at the same time. So I will not do that. Let’s see if we can find something good in this movie.

1. Nicolas Cage acting to be drunk – amusing.
2. Kevin Durand playing the insane ex-soldier – does a good job with the insanity part.
3. Nicolas Cage having a beard – very movember.
4. What else hmm…Ok that’s it! I guess some bashing is justified.

Back in the day, when I had no Internet and TV with only 3 channels, I had to watch whatever films that were on, and back then I would have been thinking that this movie is not that bad. But nowadays when people can actually choose what to watch, I couldn’t really recommend it to anyone. Plot is weak, very simple but at the same time can be confusing. Motives of everyone are not clear, action scenes are rather boring, CGI is below bar (due to the low budged most likely). The style is forgettable and acting (besides Cage and Durand) is wooden at best. If you like Nicolas Cage, then go watch “Kill Chain” instead.

Why the fuck you shouldn’t watch “Primal”?
• You think it’s the super smart time travel movie “Primer” from 2004. Maybe it’s time for new glasses?
• You fight for animal rights.
• You are Spanish and more like a “secundar” guy.
• You like quality over sweaty people.