Why the Fuck Should I Watch: HELLBOY? (2019)

Why the fuck should you watch “Hellboy”?
• When watching a movie you usually like…scenes. Yes, this movie has scenes.
• You like Milla Jovovich. You like her deadly acting, her killer smile, her war-goddess-like voice and her zombie-killing bloody hands.
• Every time you travel and have to show your passport on the border, you mumble “multipass”.
• Just in case the “Avengers: End Game” is just good and not amazing, you want to get your expectations waaay down before that, so you need to watch the worst comic book movie you can get your hands on.

So, let’s get straight to the point: this movie is just crap.

…Well that review ended quickly. Fine, let’s drag it out a little bit.

In a year 2004 “Hellboy” movie was made. The leading actor was Ron Perlman as a badass Hellboy and he was great for that role. The movie was entertaining and successful, so the sequel “Hellboy II” came in 2008 that ended with a great cliffhanger. So all the people who know that movie, have been waiting for the third installment to complete the once intended trilogy. Now in the year 2019, we FINALLY….don’t get it. No. It’s not a sequel. There’s no Ron Perlman. And the fans have been robbed.

The new “Hellboy” (David Harbour) is such a mess and a let down, it’s hard to understand how the great minds of Hollywood (haha, get it?…sarcasm) can manage to do it. Hellboy isn’t a badass like he is supposed to be, mentally he’s like a whining teenager, who looks like a fat drunk hobo, whose only facial emotion can be expressed by… a opened mouth. His motives are thrown in randomly, which has no sense and feels like every scene was made by a different middle school student.

The humor was meant to be a little bit deadpoolish (Rated-R), but none of the jokes landed. And I mean None. The Action is quite boring. Only scene that had some potential was a giant killing scene. But again, the build-up to that was out of the blue randomness, then the CGI was quite dodgy and somehow I felt no excitement. How can you not feel excited when a creature from Hell fights with human-eating giants with a fucking sword!? How can you fuck this up? It’s a Mystery, my friends. The movie forgot to take some time off and show what Hellboys thoughts actually are, what are his fears, what he believes in and so on. Instead of that we get a Hellboy, who runs around (quite slowly), whines quite a lot and almost gets killed a few times.

Milla Jovovich - You are The Queen in this pile of crap that we call our universe. You were Great. Although She was given terrible dialogue and directed to be painfully theatric at some places, there were still some scenes where she was doing some great acting. So much wasted potential. No, I am not fan-boying, she actually was the villain named Blood Queen in this movie, so it was a very professional comment. (Call me, Milla!)

And, oh, the Movie was about ending the world and trying to prevent it or something.

Why the fuck you shouldn’t watch “Hellboy”?
• You have been waiting for 10 years to see the third movie of the original Hellboy franchise.
• You don’t need Oscar worthy great movies in your life, after a hard day at the office all you need is a….fun and entertaining movie. This is not it.
• You are that one guy who thinks it’s the sequel to the “Hellboy II” (2008) movie.
• You are between ages 2-125. Everyone outside of that age class should have brains developed exactly on the level of this movie.