This weekend my family and I went to see Despicable Me 3 (in 2D)*.

It sucked.

The one in the middle is me after sitting through this.

Although this movie is titled Despicable Me 3 it is actually the fourth installment of the series. There were two Despicable Me films as well as 2015's Minions. To put things in perspective, I thoroughly enjoyed the first movie in the series. It was a well written story with humor, action and heart. The animation was excellent and the Minions reminded me of a plethora of mini, gibberish-speaking three stooges. I recall thinking the second movie was decent but not memorable. My kids loved the slapstick and nonsensical humor of Minions.

And that is where they studio should have stopped. Despicable Me 3 did not need to be made. It was your standard cash grab. There was nothing original about it at all. In addition, it did not even feel like an actual movie. It was more like three 22-minute long television shows spliced together.

Wait they already did a straight to video version with three mini movies? Then why did they make this one?

All of the original cast from the previous movies, including Steve Carrell and Kristen Wiig, reprise their roles in this very forgettable movie. The animation is very good. There are always fun gadgets and weapons. The minions are amusing... and that is it for the positives.

Without providing any spoilers not already included in the many previews, Gru and his wife Lucy are fired from their job as altruistic spies. Gru discovers he has a twin brother and the two of them go on an adventure to foil a cliche villain (I swear he was nearly identical to ones Gru faced before).

All of that was in the previews right? Well then you just saw the whole movie. No need to see it. You just saved your family at least $50.

The best thing I can say about the movie is that it was only 90 minutes long... and that was 20 minutes too long.

I am not sure if the studio was only able to secure Carrell for a limited number of days, but that sure is what it felt like. There is approximately 45 minutes of Gru-related "story". To fill the rest of the time (it is a death sentence for a movie to run less than 90 minutes) there are two separate side stories. One involves the Minions going to and escaping from prison. The other involves Gru's wife Lucy trying to bond with her three new daughters... who also go on a mini side adventure of their own.

This is pretty complicated so let me explain. Getting silly prison tattoos is funny. Get it. They are in jail and got tattoos of silly...

The 3.5 stories do not really fit together in any way. Any of the three could have stood on their own as a 22 minute television show. Each of the three disjointed stories had the feel of the cash grabs studios produce around Christmas in order to turn a quick buck by having Buzz and Woody from Toy Story welcome a new Christmas elf to their toy chest or having the Ice Age characters help a reindeer that stumbled into a time machine. (If you see either of those plots on ABC next year, please let me know. I will sue them so hard!!!!)

In addition to the disconnected feel of the multiple stories, I had a HUGE problem with Balthazar Bratt, the villain voiced by South Park's Trey Parker. Everything about the character felt so forced. It was if the writers said, "Ok. We need to hook the parents. Parents love 80s references. Let's toss in as many 80s references as possible and the parents will love it."

Wrong.

Most parents I know do enjoy 80s references... when they are clever and fit the plot. We aren't idiots. We can tell when something is being formulaicly added in order to score with a focus group. While The Boss Baby seamlessly and cleverly wove these nostalgic "Easter eggs" into the plot, Despicable Me 3 forces them down our throats in the most boring and passe ways. For example, at one point the villain exclaims, "Son of a Betamax!" He also uses a Rubiks cube as a weapon and wears parachute pants. Yawn.

Totally tubular! The villain has a mullet, 80s clothes, and an 80s robot! I am in my forties... focus groups say I love this stuff! Quick add more! What about 80s music, instruments, Rubiks cubes and shoes? More! More! More! You haven't completely beaten me over the head with the fact that the 80s are nostalgic and funny! How about 80s dances? They have to fit here somewhere. They don't fit? Who cares? Put them in anyway! Parents loves this!

Approximately 30 minutes into the movie, one very young member of the audience summed up the entire experience. After several boring minutes, the child shouted, "Wear are the Minions?"

Where were the Minions indeed? At least their gibberish and slapstick comedy would amuse small children. But they were only in less than 1/3 of the movie. As a result, there were a lot of bored kids in the audience.

My kids did laugh at some of the slapstick humor sprinkled throughout the film. Although they weren't miserable, my daughter did say that she tried to take a nap during the movie but she couldn't fall asleep. If the movie were any longer, I am confident she would have succeeded. I also would have joined her and been far happier.

I wish I had brought my stuffed unicorn so I could have fallen asleep.

If your kids want to see this movie, save yourself some money and rent Despicable Me or Minions. Watching either of those for the tenth time still has to be better than the time, effort and money required to see Despicable Me 3.

Geeky Dad's Movie Guide

Number of times I fell asleep: 0 (It was only 90 minutes long. Any longer and I am sure I would have.)
Number of eye rolls: 80 (In honor of all the forced 80s jokes and references. None were funny.)
Number of face palms: 0 (Not worth the effort to move my arm.)
Number of times my kids asked to go to the bathroom or get food out of sheer boredom: 0 (At least the studio limited the boredom to 90 minutes.)
Number of times I checked steemit: 1 (I had to stretch my back... and check to see the hottest crypto news!)
Number of times I said "That's ridiculous": 0 (That would have required me actually caring.)
Did my kids like it: They didn't hate it. But they are a very easy crowd.
Would I see it without my kids: No! 80 times no.
Full price/Matinee/Rental/Free/Not worth the time: Not worth my time. This is definitely a movie you rent when you want to take a nap while your kids watch it.

*I have a ten year old daughter and twelve year old son.

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