The fear of shining

in #motivation7 years ago

One of the great paradoxes of the human being is that of wanting to be special, but at the same time being afraid to shine. Who does not want to be recognized and admired? We all have the need for others to see our virtues. And in this there is a plus if, in addition to seeing them, they are highlighted.

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Now, many feel intimidated when it comes to highlighting. Almost all of them actually. And to emphasize, you also need to separate a bit from the group, not stay in the herd. In other words, locate yourself in the "different" register. That's where that fear sometimes comes from.

Your light not only does not overshadow others, it makes them shine more. "
-Amparo Millán-

Therefore, the first thing that must be done is to establish a distinction between being approved and standing out. When you are approved, you receive that pat on the shoulder, or that exaltation that attests that you are being accepted and valued by a group. On the other hand, by highlighting, by shining with its own light, acceptance is not necessarily achieved. It is even possible that you generate rejection.

Sometimes the matter is not so extreme. The fear of glowing can come from an injured self-esteem. In these circumstances, the recognition of others scares. It wants to remain anonymous, although it is secretly desired and needed.

The fear of shining and guilt

The success of someone often makes other people feel bad. It is unavoidable. It is part of the package. An exceptional triumph, necessarily impacts on others and even, many will feel inferior, although that is not your intention. An insecure person assumes the success of others as a threat. It is as if this puts in the foreground the fact that it was not he who achieved it.

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We know all this intuitively. We feel that success gives rise to a latent or explicit hostility. The fear of these reactions influences the fear of shining. You do not want to get into tension with others. Especially if they are important people for us.

There are unconscious mechanisms that often lead to punishing who stands out, who has more power or shine.

The family and the fear of shining

The family is the first nucleus of socialization and it is often there where that fear to shine shines. It occurs mainly when the family is dysfunctional or dominates the lack of self-worth, envy or feelings of inferiority. If one of the members of such a family achieves success, it is seen almost as a betrayal.

Of course, this does not happen in the realm of the conscious. It is filtered through behaviors such as prohibiting him from boasting about achievements or obliging someone to put his talents at the service of others, precisely because he "does it better". The idea is then introduced that highlighting brings negative consequences.

Likewise, parents instill implicit mandates to their children. One of them, very frequent, is to suffer for their suffering. Who has such parents will feel terribly wrong when he reaches an achievement that makes him very happy. How to feel good, knowing that they suffer? Hence the fear of shining

When you stand out, you also expose yourself

To the above you can add the cases in which you feel afraid to shine because there is a huge fear of being different. It is feared to be singled out, questioned or rejected. Stand out is also expose. And to expose oneself means to face the opinion of others, which is not always constructive with what is new or different.

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Normally the above occurs because it is given excessive value to the eyes of others. Hence, it is given much more importance to the attributes that approve others, instead of giving it to those characteristics that make us unique. That is why, implicitly, goals that please the generalized opinion are forged and not necessarily those that make us happier.

The fear of shining always involves a guilt and fear of being rejected. There are many who refuse to stand out, only to preserve the affection of their family, their friends or their partner. By not "betraying" others, they end up betraying themselves. Adding to joint unhappiness and limiting its development. It is wrong. When we are better, we can also help others to be better.



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