Stream of Consciousness = a flow of uncensored thoughts written down.
The value I hope to give you by posting this on the internet is to show you an intimate look inside the mind of another human being. It might show you that we're all a little bit crazy and a little bit geniuses. It might bring you relief in the form of recognition, and it might bring you inspiration in the form of wonderful thoughts you have never heard before. It might also bring you laughter because sometimes my mind is just a ridiculous, funny mess! ;)
This Stream of Consciousness specifically contains a lot on the topics of:
- Emotional waves of my day because my company just came to an abrubt end
- Love for my sister and a polyamorous lover of mine
- Spirituality: Higher Self + Choosing reality
- Abundance, money >> fears & hopes
I feel better today. It's evening, 20:37. I've been singing a lot today, that always makes me feel happy. Maybe it is true, that singing opens the chackra's, at least, if you sing on all the different heights. I love singing. I send Jordan some recordings. I feel guilty towards him for not having worked on the course today. Although I totally know that he'll understand. It's funny how the mind can be in a different space than my heart. Oh well, I guess they are of course different spaces in and of themselves. But they do affect each other. I wish for my heart to just feel joy. For having this beautiful man in my life. I really really love him. And he has been so supportive of me, all the time, but especially now that I'm going trough some rough stuff. I feel so grateful. I feel some emotions coming up now. Ontroering, I have to look up the english translation for that... oh funny, google translate just gives me 'emotion', it's not the same though. Ontroering is more like... the heart suddenly becoming very alive with beautiful strong heart-felt emotion, some kind of mix of sadness, joy, love and gratefulness, it's like feeling deeply moved. For a moment I thought I would start crying again. I did cry this morning. And then afterwards Daan cried. It's a crazy town house here. We're all crying all the time. Just a lot of stuff going on. I'm happy at least we can hold space for each other. My sister is a love too. I was happy to cuddly with her today, and hold her hand while walking on the street. We talked for a few hours about other topics than the company. Aliens, spirituality, and some stupid incidence of Bol.com sending her a CD instead of the Ipad she had ordered. Oh well. I will have to adress the company break up tomorrow I guess. I wrote a little document on what I want to take with me. I'm not sure... I think it's fair. I felt so discouraged this morning. I have been reading a little bit in Eckart Tolle, no that's not true, I have just been wanting to read in it for several times, but than something else happened. Ha ha. Grapes. On the floor. The book next to it, still on page 12. I'm such a slow reader. Which is fine. I like my ways. Or at least I'm willing to learn to embrace myself fully. I like glass by the way, such a beautiful substance! And I like carpets, soft floors. Awesome. And I so much love singing. How wonderful that the instrument I like the most, is the one that I'm always carrying with me without any effort! Life is beautiful. That does remind me of the shit I'm going trough. I don't even want to call it shit. It can feel like shit. It doens't have to be shit. It's not shit, my Higher Self tells me. It's not shit, it's just... I don't understand that Higher Self stuff. Is the Higher Self the full soul as it is in the Spirit World? And is this a 4th dimensional being? Then how can the Higher Self guide me, if I'm here to learn anyway? Why do I have to learn stuff that the Higher Self either already knows?, or how can the Higher Self guide me if the Higher Self doesn't already know??? Mystery! Or is the Higher Self God? But then we would all have the same Higher Self, but people speak of it as if everyone has their own higher self. Mystery. I love mysteries. Not sure. Do I? I want to. Ha ha. I have defenitely had a period in which I would often think about the concept of mystery and embrace it deeply. I guess now, from a standpoint of a 'crisis' in my life, from a moment of fear and belief in lack, where a lot of discouragement torments my heart... I wanna know all the answers. I don't just want to stand empty handed and gasp at the mystery miracle of life in awe. I just want to... oh well, no that sounds actually fine. But shit, money. God. It's okay. I'll be taken care of. I don't really believe that. I believe it on some level, and also I believe on another level still that I won't have enough in the future and that I need to do stuff now that I don't like in order to ensure having money in the future. That sucks. It makes me feel... heavy. worried. Makes me go into my mind, to look for solutions for the problem. There's no problem. There are never problems. It's all just a game. I'm learning no matter what. Let's have fun. Let's try the slides. It's a crazy slide I'm on. No idea where it's heading. Jordan says in a few years I'll be able to look back on what happended this week and be happy about it. He says it's opening a lot of new doors, I just might not be able to see it yet, because the grief and loss are just so much on the surface still. I can feel them sink a bit though as well. I love working together with him. I don't think I can say for sure already, but I might like working with him more than with my sister. At least right now that's true for sure. How she tried to put me into her ... way of doing things! No thank you. Our friendship has survived more broken projects of the past. It's funny how in the past I have been the one that was not pleased enough with her motivations and contribution. And now she's the one not pleased enough with me. Jordan is always pleased with me. I know that, and I don't know how. I feel grateful, it feels like the miracle of love falling into my lap. And it doesn't feel like the kind of love that comes in a wave of passion and then fades away, it feels like steady solid deep intimate love. I feel so grateful. Some worry still about the money stuff. I hate money. I need some new opinions on this topic. Something like: I believe in abundance. It sucks though because I have been trying the affirmation shit years ago already. I have tried visualisations, I have tried to do what I loved to do, without getting money results. I have tried to do things just for money, didn't work either. I have tried to do what I thought I could contribute to the world, but the serving attitude didn't bring in money either. Uhmmm... Okay I'm exaggerating I think. I have made money in the past. I can make money in the future. I can make money now. But I'm not making money now. I am making money now. This is just me struggeling to get the right thought on top. I am making money now. I can believe that, I mean: I have no idea what the course will make in the future, but it might make a lot of money, and I am working on the course in this period of my life, so technically I could say: I'm making money right now. I also might not know that someone else in this world decided right now to donate a thousand euro's to me trough the donate button I put on the Commit Happiness website. Not likely, given the results of the past (1 donation of about 2,50 in a whole year) but... not impossible either. Money can also come out of... kind of thin air. I might step outside tomorrow and just find a briefcase full of money. Whooeh, I might not even dare to pick that up ha ha ha. Okay, I would like to get money in a somewhat more safe way. I would like to find a 100 euro bill on the floor for example. That would be fun. Or wouldn't it be nice if... Hard to come up with something that fits in my logical mind actually. I feel something like embaressment as well. Interesting. Like as if I shouldn't talk about money. Ashamed of my mind wandering on the subject. Ashamed actually of wanting money. That sounds like a block to allow money into my life... But honestly, if I remind myself of the miraculous nature of all of reality, it makes perfect sense that money can come in many ways that I can't even think of right now! And also it's totally fine to desire money. It makes totally sense to desire an income if I don't have one and having one will make me feel safer and more able to do all the things I want to do. Victor would say I just have to desire what I desire directly, without the means (money) in between. And then trust that the means (in whatever way it comes, can be money, can be whatever) will be there when I need it. That makes feel heavy and fearful though. I don't trust. I don't trust. I would like to trust. But the fact that I don't trust feels so strongly anchored within me that I really want proof of the fact that the means will be there BEFORE I actually need them. Because that's what it's like right now. Right now I do have enough money to do what I want to do. Although, I guess... would I want to hire a designer and programmer to do my website stuff for me? Probably I would love doing that if I would somehow have a big stream of income. And I definitely don't feel like I can pay for that. Although I probably can, but then my money would be instantly gone completely and I would be left with that debt of 25.000 euro's. But I can. If I want to. And maybe if I would, the universe would then bring me whatever I need next. I don't trust that. And so I kind of sit on my money. Scared. Believing in lack in the future, of which Bentinho says it does not exist. Sometimes I can feel into that statement a little, but usually fear and the mind searching for earthly solutions take over again. I wanto to be fearless, but I don't dare to. I want to trust, but I don't dare to. If I do that, I'm afraid things will go wrong, I'm afraid I'll do stupid things like spending my last money in happy but excessive ways that leave me empty-handed and then I will feel disappointed when God will not provide me with a great solution. And I'm afraid of 'ending in the gutter', or having to accept work I really don't like, having to accept a housing situation that makes me unhappy. I'm afraid of creating circumstance for myself that will make me feel stuck in unhappiness. That doesn't sound very realistic though. As if I'm not an amazing, creative person with a lot of skill to celebrate life each day no matter the circumstances. Uhmm. Do I believe that? I would like to. I don't feel like I can just choose beliefs and thereby change reality (or shift into a different reality to be more accurate). Bentinho says so all the time. Many spiritual teachers say so all the time. Just choose your reality. Oh, that sounds great. But I don't believe that's possible!! For me. Uhm yeah, I don't even fully believe that's possible for Bentinho! What makes me doubt it a lot is him struggeling to find the funding for his Trinfinity projects. Why does he need to do that crowd funding stuff more than once? Why does he even need to do that once? Why does he bother a large retreat crowd with asking for money when probably at least half of the audience is already happy to have found money to come to his retreat, let alone 'donating' money to his company??? That's something that makes me feel skeptic. And it's also something that triggers my resentment about not having money. And I think: if you teach about how to create abundance, then why haven't you manifested financial abundance for your own company yet? And why have your followers not yet manifested so much financial abundance that your first crowdfund raising worked super smoothly instantly? I'm not asking for too much right? Because miracles are normal. So why is there nothing financially miraculous happening here? What's the energy of me typing this? I surely feel something strong. Resentment towards him for not teaching me good enough? Sonds like victimhood. Fear of being disappointed as well. Already being dissapointed. Fear of the dissapointment being true. He would say it's not true, because it doesn't feel good if I think it. So it's my Higher Self telling me my beliefs are off. Well thanks, but it's hard to take what he says in this part of his teachings, if I seem to discover some flaw in another part of his teachings. And it's all interconnected. I feel trapped in my own thoughts. Negative shit. Einstein says: you can not solve a problem on the same level it was created. I believe that to be true. Life is weird, I get so tired from asking myself all the time: do I agree with that thought? As if I'm fighting myself. Okay. Peace.... out.