Words not meant

I'm sure my case is not unique. And, as a matter of fact, I suspect we all have someone like that in our family. Someone who can say the most harmful things out of anger and not mean them. Someone who has no healthy way of dealing with extreme emotion thus lashes out.

As a family we are tight, and we are so not because we are perfect or anything, but because above all we believe in unconditional support for each other. My mother, who is undeniably the matriarch of our clan after grandpa passed, has continued his legacy of putting family first.

I would lie If I would say it's not difficult, because it is. There are times when I have to rationalize events, pull myself out of the situation and really ask myself what would grandpa do.

Obviously; the pros outweigh the cons by miles. In our family, there is absolutely no way one of us would end up homeless, starving or anything remotely close to it. The other members would not allow it, but it doesn't mean some people would not benefit from wakeup calls, so to speak.

Not trying to play the victim here, because truthfully I'm past that point in life. But, the person in my life that I'm referring to has told me before that "I'm at dead to them". And such act of unwarranted aggression would have destroyed any relationship in the world (I think), but even though this person never asked to be forgiven directly for such venom being spat, her actions when I almost died from a medical emergency showed me that she never meant it at all.

My father a long time ago now, talked to me about the idea of emotional intelligence. Over the years the concept has matured in my head enough to internalize it as if it's actually a thing. Localized intelligence, being able to be smart for some things and completely inept in others, seems consistent with what I observe in the world. Maybe this person is just inept when it comes to dealing and expressing emotions.

Why am I venting on this blog of mine, you may wonder. Well, I don't know. Just yesterday there was big drama back home, back in our farm and I was not there to help smooth things out. Nothing I can do, obviously, but it makes me not want to travel anymore more so when my mother is not there to mitigate frictions between family members.

Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit here, but the truth is that I try to follow my mother's example when the toxic elements in the family release some fumes like old car batteries.

I guess, there's always someone playing that role, and maybe it doesn't have to be me, but I feel like I can do it, so...

Maybe I'm just feeling guilt and this is me coping...

MenO