Some background

Lets start off with some background for context purposes.

I'm autistic.. My brain is just an absolute shitshow when it comes to dealing with.. society.. I don't go outside, I don't interact with people face to face, I find most things in life to be extremely stressful to deal with, even the most mundane of things is a task and a half for me to deal with.

I just huddle up in my cave.. trying to stay away from as much stress as possible trying to live out my meager existence in peace.. which is really only possible because I live in the UK..

I get UK benefits, have done so all my life, I fundamentally can no work. I could probably COPE for a while (read 1 week) but my ability to manage a crisis (read anything that incites unease or stress) is terrible. I break so easily under pressure. Everything I do IRL is a massive endeavor trying not to collapse under the weight of the stress and anxiety.

I am BROKEN.

Current situation

I have recently be denied PIP or Personal Independence Payments, a benefit here in the UK for chronically ill and disabled people, it's designed to provide financial help for people who have complex needs and can't handle normal everyday tasks.

I've been getting it for a long time. Many years ago I had my last review, sometime 2017-18 I think. I got denied back then too. They gave me 0s across the board and said I could handle anything and everything myself perfectly fine.. even though we stated otherwise and provided a MOUNTAIN of evidence to support such claims.

But no.. The system is a dumpster fire. ACTIVELY pursuing cost cutting measures at all time because lo and behold the company who deals with the claims is a 3rd party company trying to do things for a little money as possible so they can POCKET the money they got from the government contract... probably.. but what does it matter anyway.

I appealed that decision then and WON but it wasn't without hardship.. Because last time it took over a YEAR to complete the appeal, during that time my household lost about 70% of it's income.

So once again.. I must appeal.. It'll likely take a year if not more and all this time my income is slashed by 70%. My income itself is halved, but my dad also loses his carers allowance because it relies on me having PIP... that's the other 20% (not exact percentages but they paint the picture well)

This is one reason why my witness account is in full powerdown. I'm partly moving it all over to this account but also going to be keeping a large portion liquid so I can sell up as an emergency fund if things get too tight.

So far.. Finances are ok but my dad will still get carers allowance for another 8 weeks past myself losing PIP, it's just how it works.. form then on.. it's going to be tough.

It doesn't help that I just took on a big chunk of Debt buying some nice things to make our lives feel at least somewhat better.
Fortunately it's all interest free for 18 months on my credit card.. so it can just sit there and not be an issue until it becomes an issue.

But hopefully by then the appeal will be done and won and I'll get a hefty backpay lump sum and be able to clear everything.

Mental health

But again remember how I said everything and everything is stressful for me to deal with? Yeap.. this entire situation is destroying me.

My physical health has taken a nosedive since the beginning of 2024 when I developed some sort of auto immune allergic response to myself..
I have very little energy to really do much more than I currently do. which is sit about at my computer and play games or try do something that resembles productivity in some of the few hobbies I enjoy.

I'm constantly in pain, which drains me even more and I know.. I should see a doctor.. but that itself is a extremely stressful event and task for me.. it's a catch 22 I can't win.. I have to expose myself to crippling levels of stress to even BEGIN to figure out whats wrong with my body and in doing so I accelerate it's deterioration and the deterioration of my mental health as well.

The Future

We'll appeal.. We'll probably win but it'll take at least a year to sort out.
My hive is a safety net.. a small one but it's there.. I don't want to use it cause I like to accumulate and get more HP for bigger votes and governance.. but it is what it is.
My body is falling apart and I can't do a lot about it without accelerating it's demise and that of my mind as well.

We're also going to make my dad my appointee, the last beacon of supposed independence I had will be gone.. I have none.. I never had any to begin with..

We'll keep surviving since that is all we've ever done.. Survive. never lived. just existed in a world that doesn't want us to exist.

If things get especially bad financially.. I will have to give up my witness as well. It's currently running at a loss even at the high rank I'm at. Once I lose that I'm probably going to be done with crypto and hive all together.. I'd have nothing much left to keep me here.

A note on online interactions.

one might question... how am I able to communicate via live streams and meet people in VRChat?

I don't know myself really.. I think there is a detachment there, I only see names.. not actual people, I don't need to read their faces for emotions or anything. it's just text, text which a hint of perceived personality.. is how I'd describe it.

With VRChat... I do have anxiety in VRChat still but it's easier because.. no one is human there.. cause avatars.. furry avatars...
Plus I have friends which I've grown comfortable around so.. there's that.
VRChat is tiring in itself, Especially when I go to public worlds. I often end up not interacting with anyone but rather just linger in the shadows..

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