Being judged by others comes in different forms. Certainly if we are misbehaving, or acting outside of our best self, then the judgment might be deserved. Though it is not the best way for others to communicate their discontent with your actions, it is unfortunately a natural tendency of our humanity. But I am not really talking about the judgment that comes from your own negative choices. I’m talking about the judgment that we incur for being ourselves.
It’s a terrible feeling of inadequacy, alienation, and self-consciousness. Your ego embellishes this moment of humility with that feeling of being caught naked in a spotlight. All of your flaws and intimacies are exposed, and on display. As a child, we tend to cry in these moments, running to a dark corner to escape the judgment and recollect our shattered sense of self. As an adult, we try desperately to hold on to our dignity as we shrug off the moment and force down the swells and waves of emotion that try to break through our mature facade. But the truth is, on the inside, we are going through the same experience as the child crying in the corner. So how do we overcome this?
In our youth, we tend to take the criticism to heart, we become determined to remove our individuality to gain more acceptance. In other words we stop being ourselves, and we become someone more like everyone else. We subdue the characteristics that make us individuals, and replace them with a bland, vanilla version that serves to camouflage us. In the worst cases, we adopt the judgmental nature of others, and turn it onto our weaker peers in an effort to shield ourselves from condemnation, while showing that we are now part of the group. Like a right of passage, we become the very thing we hate, in order to avoid being hated.
One of the realizations that occur in adulthood is that this defense mechanism from our youth does not get left behind. In fact, it metastasizes as many young individuals turn that coping mechanism into a part of their adult personality. This is where discrimination, intolerance, and prejudice come from. At the root of every adults’ bigotry, is the fear of being on the outside of the group, the fear of being on the receiving end of the hate. The difference is, as an adult this behavior is inexcusable.
The truth is, we have all been guilty of this. Certainly, you can recall a time in your youth when you acquiesced your individuality for the safety of being part of the mob. And, I bet that if you are honest with yourself, you can recall a time in your adult life when you did the same thing. Maybe you judged someone for the way they dressed, or what church they go to. Maybe you participated in ganging up on a co-worker, because defending her would result in shared scrutiny. Or more recently, maybe you chastised someone for choosing to vote Third Party instead of being with Team Hillary, or Team Trump. That’s the reality of judgement and discrimination… we are all guilty of it, we do it all the time, in a myriad of ways often without being aware of it.
Unfortunately, we can’t stop others from being judgmental. They are as free to be as critical and mean-spirited as you are free to be different and true to yourself. But, there is hope. We can strive in our own lives to maintain our individuality, even if what makes you unique puts you on the outside of the group. To do this, you must change your priorities; realize that your individuality is sacred, and that it is far more valuable to you than fitting in. Remember that by abandoning who you are not only destroys yourself, but it also perpetuates the very mob mentality that seeks to destroy your individuality. Be proud of who you are, and all that makes you different. And if your “friends” and colleagues persist, maybe its not you that is the problem, maybe it’s them; and it’s time for new friends.
To live without judgment means to remove judgment from within yourself, and remove yourself from those that judge. The next thing you can do is teach your children this lesson. Nip the seed of future intolerance in the bud by instilling a sense of individuality within your child and make them aware that by giving into the mob only feeds the hate that they are suffering from. Your individuality is second to nothing, because your individuality is all you have.
We can all agree that being judged hurts, and most of us can recall a time when we felt that pain. But the true struggle is in realizing that we are often the perpetrator, and that overcoming judgment is to overcome being judgmental. I myself have been judged and been guilty of judging others. For me, the turn came when I gained enough self-confidence to realize that judging others only diminished by self-worth instead of reinforcing it. I continue to struggle with this as I am not perfect, but each day that I decide to accept someone who is different instead of making-fun-of or silently judging them, I come away with an even greater sense of confidence as I refuse to join the mob, and gain appreciation for not only their uniqueness, but my own individuality.
Zach Lee Rubin
-Full Time Traveler, Blogger, Podcaster and Entrepreneur
Read more at (http://www.thispursuitofhappiness.com). Or Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Stitcher!
We have to make so many quick judgments in the course of every day that, unfortunately, we cannot avoid succumbing to stereotypes. For example, you are driving on a freeway and see and an old lady driving in the next line. Surely, she might happen to be a good driver after all, but you instinctively speed up to let other people find out if that so.
As for being afraid of collective ridicule… It’s one thing if you respect and value the people who render the judgment. This being the case you can pay attention to the critical judgment and make appropriate adjustments. However, if the judgment is rendered by some arbitrary people, who you have no interest about and no real respect… In that regard let me tell you a little funny story…
One professor went to a Zoo and was feeding candies to monkeys. As long as cadies lasted, monkeys were happy and cheerful. However, as soon as the bag with candies became empty, monkeys got angry and started very quickly the professor was covered in their spit. The professor could get angry or humiliated, but he chose to just laugh at this incident. After all, can you relay be mad at monkeys?