When I was near him it felt like I held the heat of the stars in my palms. I felt hot and my heart raced. Uncomfortable, but good at the same time. Under normal circumstances, I am confident. Other men and situations, I would flip my hair, bat my lashes and chat with ease. But he was different. I had dreamed of talking to him for so long about a thousand interesting topics. Ridiculous nerdy things, I thought I could only talk about with him. Yet now the opportunity was here and I couldn't bring myself to utter more than a few casual, meaningless phrases. Such as, 'this is good hey' as I gestured to the act on stage, to which he responded shortly with 'yeah'.
The way he made me feel was reminiscent of a drug induced haze, or perhaps more like the come down which follows. Every sentence, every moment, became over analysed in some paranoid, anxious confusion. I felt that the only way I could be myself with him - was with liquid courage, which of course would backfire but it had to be better than this. As I stared down into my champagne I realised something. I now knew how so many artists compared love to a drug, and how so many loveless people became addicted to a substance. True love is free of inhibition. Those who lead a life without love, will do what they can to feel free.
This is why it is so important to love yourself, not matter what, as relying on others leaves love and life out of your control. 'I love myself, I will not be afraid.' At this realisation I stood up straight, and smiled.
I was 22 when I learned this lesson, and I am still having to remind myself of this at 30. I am a stronger person now, but at my heart I am still just as sensitive as I always was, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I believe it is important to remind yourself of these things daily. The best things are exclusive, rare and untainted. Being 'weird' isn't bad. There have been songs, books and movies based upon this, because somewhere in the weirdos we see ourselves. We relate yet we judge? Presents a vicious cycle. Everyone should feel free to be themselves. Their true, untainted selves without the constructed ego. This misrepresentation of the self is based on criticism from others, fear and gratification. Every insult, every compliment, all of mere opinion, has shaped us into the person we are today. Hence any experience you have will be based upon this CONSTRUCTED, TAINTED version of yourself. We have heard of the butterfly effect - Google defines it like this;
Butterfly Effect:
noun: butterfly effect; plural noun: butterfly effects
(with reference to chaos theory) the phenomenon whereby a minute localized change in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere.
Origin
1980s: from the notion in chaos theory that a butterfly fluttering in Rio de Janeiro could change the weather in Chicago.
Apply this theory to your life. For example. Sarah, a girl in grade 5 called you weird and ugly and said that nobody likes you. You start to believe it. Now every day you go forward is battling that, because it hurt you. Every time you speak to someone from then on your subconscious will fear this moment. So you will put up walls, change your hair, construct this person to avoid being hurt in the same way again. All subliminally based on what Sarah said, not based on who you actually want to be in this short life. Learning to love yourself will eliminate this, and give you the confidence you seek.