Yesterday I met up with a very dear old time friend after a very long time. Since the last two years have not been much in contact with him so was little bit cut off from his personal space, but then we managed to catch up for a good amount of time exchanging about how our lives were progressing....
At his end on professional front business is booming very well which I was very glad to know.
On personal front, he's married and has 2 children. Though it was sad to know his married life is not going very good.
On checking for the reasons as to what is the problem, he mentioned, he does not get freedom in his married life and hence he is thinking of separation.
So I did a bit of counselling with him, trying to make him understand that life does change after marriage, you cannot be living the same way like how you do when you are single.
I do not wish to discuss more of him but what I see is this is not the first case that I hear, on a regular basis I have these cases where couples are falling out of their relationships and the majority of these cases reason is personal freedom.
I do not say that in marriage you give up your personal space and freedom but at the same time I do believe that this is one relation which will require a lot of understanding and adjustments and to an extent some amount of sacrifice from both partners. No 2 people are same hence there is definetly going to be some amount of differences, conflicts in the relation, but that's part of this deal and if you want to work it out there also will be compromises made.
In India where a lot of marriages in this age also are arranged marriages, where the two do not get time to know each other very well before the marriage it definetly becomes a big challenging for both the partners to start living with each other.
Also its not always that the female partner has to make it work, which is the mentality in majority cases. It's mutual both the sides need to equally work on making the relation work if they want it to.
What I see a lot common in these times is that the tolerance level has gone down lots with people which majorly effects the relation. Even for people who have been dating for years and then get married, god knows what happens after marriage. Suddenly after marriage the flaws start popping up.
Marriage is not only based on Love or that it's just about Love. There is understanding, compassion, compromise everything that is required. If things are falling apart or breaking up, the two needs to gather it back, mend it up and not let it further break.
Life never will be the same after marriage, and both the partners need to come to terms on that and work it out in a way that a beautiful married life is weaved up with both the combinations.
A little bit of her and a little bit of his together will make this relation work beautifully. Ego has no place in this relation.
Divorce and Separation are easy remedies but the real fun is in making it work, so that when you get old together and look back at the journey you will be proud of the miracles you made in your lives.
For sure when I talk about this I do not support any sort of abusive partners. My advise is for those who cannot think beyond them.
Relationship of Marriage is demanding in all ways from both the sides, hence allow the ego to take a back seat. Act mutually, it's not only about you. It's always the US.
With Love and Angels Blessings πππΌπ»πΌπ»π§ββ
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"marriage is like a wine the longer the better"- that's what I heard from my grandpa. @nainaztengra yes you're right about marriage should be compromise and there's no place in marriage for being selfish, part of your soul and your partner is already tied up, that's the purpose of marriage.
True, the more time you spend in marriage the more you explore the relation and start complimenting with each other.
though i haven't experience that kind of relationship, but at least i got some of ideas of yours, thanks for sharing though :)
Awesome write up! Iβm new to #thealliance and am familiarizing myself with the members
Thank you @mcoinz79. I wish you all the very best in your journey and loads of success :-)
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Thank you for sharing.
You gave me chance to think the meaning of marriage once again
Thank you @slowwalker for reflecting on my post :-)
love is love whether it takes the form of marriage or not ...
This is an interesting post. I am divorced and I love being single. That piece of paper will not hold anyone's love together. Relationships are work and love is the glue.
True my dear a paper cannot hold any relation. I do not know your story and hence no comments on that.
Four of my friends got divorced last year. Four.
And so many people cheat. It's insane.
That's very sad to read. I wish people can have some more patience to deal with their relations.
Seems to me that marriage is increasingly being challenged by our ever inflating sense of "how good" life is supposed to be. And we are sold so many stories and images about things supposedly being "easy."
I don't think relationships have really changed much; expectations have, and they have changed towards the unrealistic. Then we compare ourselves to the unrealistic and decide that "life sucks" based on what we're feeling, where two generations ago the exact same situation would generate feelings of "this is a bit challenging."
With people of our grandparents' age, "happiness" was almost a bonus; now it is almost "demanded."
Bright Blessings!
So well said @whitelightexpress. Yes the expectations are soaring high by the day, people sometimes are getting into fantasy world and then trying to fit that in their real relations which creates all the mess.
These two are definitely on the loosing side. By formal marriages I meant love marriages with no proper understanding of each other - ie people who have probably loved each other for a decade but never stayed together for more than few hours kind of scenario.
Yes these are a little difficult marriages since there is no connection before hand, but then you know what you are getting into and that is what you have chosen for yourself so might as well try to make it work :-)
nice post dear, i got to learn, most people prepare for the wedding and not the marriage, God and understanding is the key to every successful marriage. thanks once again.
@jchrix, yes I wish people could prepare more for their married life then the wedding plans.
Probable what is happening is that we have much more dynamic lives than before. I mean, we have access to do more information, and are able to do more things than before.
That's why today is easy to feel tempted to have a new partner compared to a few decades ago. Today we just need to turn on our smartphone and we have access to hundreds of possible new partners...
Either way, family is a basic part of our society, the best way to grow up is having a home with mom and dad, so I think people should really test the waters for a few years before going full with marriage and having children.
True @dedicatedguy, we have so many options out there and the social media is kind of luring people into it. People connect with each other even without seeing each other or knowing much about each other, but that's where the values come into picture. You can keep hopping around or choose to have your own nest and settle in it.
I feel like marriage is being weakened by the internet, honestly. People seem to have this ideal in their minds of what love is supposed to look like, and if their current partner isn't cutting it, they just get online and look for the next. No one works for anything anymore, and I think people give up on things way too easily these days. Every successful married couple I know says that it's work to keep a marriage together. Not that it's ALL work and never enjoyable (obviously), but that once limerence fades away (roughly 1.5-3 years), what's left is making a choice everyday to find new ways to fall in love. I feel that nowadays as soon as people stop feeling the "spark", they go out and chase it elsewhere. It's sad, really.
Very well said @pragmaticpassion, the moment people stop feeling the spark they start looking out for it in other places. There are times when it can be momentary switch off and one needs to realize that. Options will always be there outside, but if you could not make one work out there is no assurance the other will also work. Over a period of time it will be the same again
A well-detailed article and a much-needed article for the current generation. I'm a strong believer in arranged marriages and joint family system. It has been a great success in India for several centuries. Obviously, divorce or separation cannot be a solution to all the problems. Sometimes it is a good solution for people who suffer a lot with marriages but, I would not recommend it as an ideal solution for everyone.
I believe all the problems can easily be sorted by having a good discussion with each other. Giving space to each other can help in driving it throughout the life.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts @bala41288, In India the system of arranged marriages work due to its culture and values. Also the children what they see from young age help shape up their mind, they see this in their families and hence they are mentally prepared to settle in these relations.
Yes correct. Agreed. Culture has been the backbone behind the success of arranged marriages.
I completely agree with what you said. Marriage isn't about committing yourself to a death sentence, but it isn't just about living entirely on your terms. If you do not wish to compromise and make adjustments, don't marry. But if you enter this auspicious bond, look after it with love and care. A beautiful marriage with a loving partner is an amazing experience but it takes a great deal of effort to turn a simple marriage into a beautiful one.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts dear Sharoon. Yes if you love your freedom so much do not get married, live a vagabond life and be happy rather then getting into fake relations.
I never been marriage but now I feel like my freedom is gone. I'm living with my boyfriend and we are almost 24 hours together so now I guess my life is like the life after marriage haha. I think it good to try to actually live together before because we can learn to live together. In my culture it not good to do this but it good for myself so i should to do. thank you for your beautiful post.
Thanx @anne-c for sharing your life. Space is important in any relation, whether its marriage or live-in, else it will make you feel suffocated and this is where the whole problem lies. Even if you live together you need to ensure you have your own life where you do things exclusively for yourself, what you like. These relations do not mean giving up your freedom and just being with one another all the time, else after a point of time you will start getting on each other's nerves....hahaha
Institution? I thought it was an asylum?
#thealliance
Hahaha.....on a lighter note yes it is. I literally feel like getting a stick for my husband at times ;-)
Marriage is basis to a community. Human DNA includes couples in a sort of partnership.
However, sometimes it is related also to geography, in some places marriage is mandatory for their culture, in other places, it is less important.
I believe in marriage.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts @antonella
the marriage unites two people in a relationship. that's where we form a happy family. there is no parallel to each other, but complementarity is a way to unite and make relationships more beautiful. if our ego is forward it will be difficult to form a harmonious family. thank you friends for the story hope this can be a reminder for us all in building a relationship in marriage.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts @agusscout, they are beautiful. For sure the partners need to compliment with each other to make it work
really a friend, this is a very good idea friend. thank you for sharing my opinion with me
may the best friend you remain patient and hopefully a lesson for us, a nice post
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I deliberately skipped the contents after reading the title. :D
hahaha....Are you scared of this word Marriage :p
LOL, not any more as I told you. Scared of marriages breaking as I have decided to take the plunge!
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nice view, upvoted
I like that you said the fun is in making it work, and that being understanding and compassionate is key. Totally agree!
Thank you @annemariemay
These are some wise words. I'm just about to celebrate my six wedding anniversary. My wife and I had been together for 5 years before we got married, and the six years we've now spent married have been great, but they've also been a struggle. We value each other though, and realize that struggle is an inevitability when you have two people who are passionate about things they want to do in their lives. The key is working with your partner and not against them. And to realize that their freedom is also your own.
That's so beautiful @acousticsteveo. I wish you both a very Happy Anniversary and many many more wonderful years of love and happiness together.
Struggles will be there but it is all about the compassion that the two hold for each other which will fight out all odds.
Thank you for sharing :)
Good morning @nainaztengra, I loved this publication I think that today marriage is more a business than love. Excuse the question but could you tell me how I can join "thealliance" gruop?
very well said! :) Thanks for sharing
<<Marriage is not only based on Love or that it's just about Love
Oh yes...how right you're, Nainaz!
Love is great, it's the basis, but life and routine need something more than just romantic feelings. Affection passes by very quickly when first problems come, and then people need smth more to connect and unite them - tolerance and respect are very important!!
No family can exist without them.
And only those families can be happy, when people use "we" instead of "I", when the unity and common interests are on the first place.
We have so many divorces in Russia too..Young couples divorce very often, they are not ready for life troubles, but when they feel affection and passion it seems to then they can win everything..
Nice post, the keyword for me here is "Ego" that is source of the problem in most cases. In fact a lot of human relationships are affected because we judge more than we love. And when you're coming from the place of being egoistic, you judge, and when you judge you become blind, you can see no love. And when you love, you don't judge. Or transcend the judgement. You don't have to bad for me to be good. But it often so happens that the ego depends on other people's flaws to get a sense of superiority. Thanks for the opportunity to talk about a rather sensitive subject. Cheers! :)
Very wise words as always, after reading your post I started to think that one should live his personal freedom before joining a couple in marriage, there is space and time for everything, I dream of marrying before God at the altar and with a great companion , which has not yet come into my life, but I am sure that God wants me to live alone after having someone by my side enjoy living all special moments with someone special and fight for a strong and loving marriage.
I believe in marriage for life, but I know that both people must be mature and stable to make it work.
This phrase I loved .... thanks for sharing dear. A hug!
Great post @nainaztengra on counselling for couples. One reason why married tend to fail is failure to realised the conviction that when your marrying someone, you are actually marrying 3 things;
Sometimes the things you like before marriage are not real and the quality of the person starts revealing during marriage. Another thing is people change over time due to life events and their interactions with people.
As @nainaztengra said, love is not the main requirement for marriage. You need to each other well, be ready for commitment, tolerance, patience, understanding, trust and communication.
Wow, this post is truly interesting. If I could upvote it more than one time, i would probably do.
I think everyone has his own perception of marriage. And it is sometime cultural. For instance, in my Country, Guinea, located in west Africa, most of the people see wedding as mandatory because this is the "lawful"way to have children and make the family grow more. Wealthness in my Country means more children. And children made outside marriage are considered unlawful. Also, some families prefer giving their daughter in marriage to the first guy who come to them and ask her hand even if their daughter don't want to.
In my opinion, people who wants to be married need to be in love first and then know each other well before getting married. Love is what last forever. Maybe I shouldn't do such comparison, but we need to ask why do we continuously love our mom or dad and can't love harder than that our partner ? I think if there is love, true love, then the marriage will last forever.
That's my opinion.
Marriage is the first and foremost step for someone who wants to create a family structure that is calm, loving, and caring. Without going this way, it is impossible to create a family as expected. Marriage is the first door to enter the labyrinth of doors in a 'house' ladder; marriage is the first rowing swing in the family boat ark; marriage is the first vehicle needed before a person walks through the wilderness of the family.
Best Regard @airil280708.
These are all excellent points. When I met my husband, Frank, before committing to the relationship, we had to establish a few things. He has kids with his gay ex, and I have CPTSD from an abusive relationship. It was going to be easy for either of us to adjust. We also defined things to each other. Monogamy, commitment, etc. We both did not want to feel caged in, but we both needed devotion from the other. While we alloow each toher freedom to go out and do things on our own, we also respect the desire and need to be together a lot and to know that the other is safe if we are not together. It's not to control him that I ask my husband to call when he's on his way home from work. He used to text a lot when he arrived at work to appease my fears. I need that less now, due to less anxiety in that regard. We need fairness. What applies to me applies to him. He calls me for certain things, so I call him for certain things. I needed to live in my house that we chose together, but until the kids were old enough, he needed to be very close to them and have them 50/50 with their mother. So I lived in his old house, the house he had had with her before she moved out, for a few years. It was a sacrifice I willingly made out of love for him, knowing that eventually, we would have OUR house. Now we live in OUR house, the kids are older, we have them less because it's a bit farther, since it's closer to Frank's work and we're here to stay now. The kids love it here and they were very involved in choosing decor and paint for the house. It was a lot of fun, to say the least.
It's not easy, it's complicated at times. The kids now know so much about mental health and abuse, which they would never have learnt in school, and I'm glad I can be there to teach them what I've learnt from healing myself. It was possible because Frank and I were willing to make the necessary compromises to make our relationship work. We were honest with each other and built trust. When we married, we reinforced that.
We allow ourselves space when we need it. If I have an emotional flashback, I walk things off, and we have our meet spot where we meet once I've cooled off a bit. When he needs to go out with some friends, he always includes me, but often times, he goes alone, because I prefer a quiet night in. I enjoy being home alone when he's at work and being in my space. He enjoys being in his space at home while I'm in mine and every now and then, we enter each other's bubbles for a hug or a kiss.
All this took work. All this required understanding and communication.
I am so happy. We love each other so much. When you commit to someone, you are sacrificing certain freedoms that you had when you were single, but you are respecting certain needs knowing that that person is doing the same. When you find the commitments and compromises that work for both of you, it works. And it's in constant flux too. Readjusting to each other. Respecting each other's boundaries, while fulfilling each other's needs.
Great post Nainaz! After 18 years of marriage I can say that it is a lot of work, but work that is worth it! Your right separation and divorce are the easy ways out. Almost any couple that are willing to work at the marriage can fix nearly any issue.