Whenever I hear people talk about trust, my ears perk up.
I'm always interested to see other people's views on the topic. Trust is a most vulnerable subject. And many people equate vulnerability to weakness. I have had some experiences that burned the opposite lesson in my heart. And damn am I grateful for that.
Many people seem to play a dangerous game of "keep away" with their trust. I see them wear this distrust like a badge of pride:
"He hurt me so bad that I'll never trust anyone again."
"She doesn't deserve my trust."
"I'll never fall for that again."
We say these statements to reaffirm to ourselves that we're strong. Tough. That we've "learned a lesson."
What was the lesson, though?
A little of my (super vulnerable alert!) backstory: I was in love with a man that had a sorted past. I knew it, and I kept him at a distance for years. After 5 years together, he really had changed a lot of his undesirable behaviors. We got married. It was awesome. We had huge problems; dealt with them. We had amazing adventures; took lots of pictures. We developed the type of love and respect that they write screenplays about. Then he retired from the military. Anyone who has been any part of the military knows that this is a make it or break it time for a lot of veterans. He lost who he was. He attempted to find it - in bottles of cheap vodka, in drugs, and then in a 21 year old girl that thought the world of him and his undeniable charm. I wasn't surprised. And while we didn't have a completely monogamous relationship, the betrayal and dishonesty were very real.
I moved out. I was completely devastated, although neither of us wanted to give up. We loved each other. It was at this point, I realized I had 3 choices:
1. Divorce. Cut away and move on, even though it wasn't what I wanted. All of my upbringing taught me that this is the "right" choice- I was betrayed! Trust is gone!
2. Get back together, and hold on to all of this anger, fear, resentment, and use it to burn a hole of righteousness through him with every look. How could I ever trust him again?
3. Get back together, and make the conscious decision to let go of all of the above emotions. If I held on to these damaging emotions, I knew it would only hurt me. And him. And ultimately the relationship would end anyway.
So we got back together. Choosing option 3 was THE MOST difficult decision to live up to, because my integrity begs that I actually follow through with it! It also ended up being the most EMPOWERING decision I've ever made. That next year was blissful (and incredibly difficult, at times). The combination of him really doing his best to put those behaviors behind him, and me doing my damnedest to be gentle with my sometimes swelling emotions made us an incredibly strong force.
By choosing option 3, I had to make the conscious decision to trust this person with my most vulnerable of emotional organs....my heart.
Trust is not an external power that sways emotions. It is a tool. And a tool is only effective if you use it correctly. I urge you to use trust to learn lessons to make your life better, not to build walls around your heart. Give trust and you will earn trust. Give trust and learn what you're capable of.
Love,
OGC
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This post just takes me down memory lane. I also had issues with trust for a number of years. I was hurt pretty badly by a guy I desperately loved and so took to seeing every guy that way.
I lost a lot of promising relationships because of this. One guy even called me 'a closed book' , right before he walked out of my life.
I dont know exactly how I healed from this issue, all I remember is telling myself I didnt want to continue living that way. So I made the conscious effort to completely trust the next guy that came my way.
That guy became my husband and we've been going strong ever since.
That’s so good to hear @paigegirl! Sometimes I think to make these changes, it’s just as simple as a decision- “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. “ It may not be “easy”, but simple. Thank you for reading and commenting!
To follow one's heart, to make the most difficult choice, and to let go of our preconceived ideas are powerful combinations. None of those things mean keeping ourselves in bad situations, but challenging ourselves to step-up and make new choices that serve us the most. Even when, through the eyes of others, our choices are not what we "should" do, making our own trusting choices lead to more growth and expansion than we could ever imagine.
Thanks for sharing your trusting perspective @ogc. I appreciate your vulnerability. Indeed there is much to discuss about trust!!!
It shows a lot of character that you not only trust Steemains to be gracious enough or read, learn, and respond to this post in kind but it shows a tremendous amount of trust in yourself to be this vulnerable and open. Thank you Carly
Thank you Larry! Coming from someone who definitely puts his "all" out there in both the real and the Steemian world, it means a lot.
It's unfortunate and at the same time great to hear your experiences, and yes, you took right decision because, your point said it all as, trust should help you to improve your life and should not create the walls. And many times trust is something which we develop over time with an experience, but it's an our evaluation towards someone, but sometimes other persons evaluation of trust and act of trust could be different, some people really play with trusts, and in my opinion in your case the situation and the environment brought that positions but your trust is more of expanded vision which inspired you to take the productive step which is emotionally touched too. Thanks for sharing your experience with us and enjoy your life. Wishing you an great day. Stay blessed. 🙂
Thank you @chireerocks, I appreciate your view of it!
Welcome. 🙂
What a beautiful story, thanks for telling it. I had never expected you to pick option 3. Sometimes I guess the most daring and unlikely succeeds. I'm happy for you!
Aw thank you, @lisaliebeslust It was the best decision to make to avoid regrets- I’m happy I chose that one.
I had trouble with trust too, but expressing that with Frank at the beginning of our relationship and sharing my abuse experience with him, allowed us to build the necessary trust between us. We learnt that sometimes little things can fracture the trust because we don't know if the person will breach the trust for something big. We learnt to be honest with each other for everything and that further intensified trust. Now we trust each other so much that if there is just a small tiny little crack of trust, we talk about it and mend it and build it back before it fractures and shatters all the trust. Our trust is important to keep healing if it gets wounded, because it's part of the three foundations of our relationship.
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