Love Life Story

Love Life Story
by Brian (hilladigahackles) McGuire
A LeftHouse Life Moment Story Production.

I love life. I do. I use to tell a crazy story about my insanely rocky childhood. The story was filled with drunks, drugs, dumpsters, homeless living, and all the emotional darkness drama one family could handle. I was 8 years old when this story was playing out live. How I ended up living on the streets with my older brother and mother, is kinda of a long one and is meant for another medium. I have written this story as a screenplay and am on the hunt to put the funds together to bring this story to action!

Here is the visual concept piece I made to help raise the funds

The short of the long of my Carnival 83, goes something like this... My mother and father were highschool sweethearts, homecoming king and queen, a very American classic tale. Jump twenty years later, Dad was working on his third divorce, and Mom was working on her third marriage.
Mom took my brother and I to the carnival. Mom met the guy working at the spin art booth and fell in love. A week later, Mom and the Carney got married. A Week after that, they got into a fight and the Carney stole Mom's car and drove down to Austin Texas and got himself thrown in jail for drugs. Mom flew down to Texas to bail him out, and all of a sudden we were homeless on the streets of Austin.

Again this story is for another medium, so this story stops here.
The reason I bring it up, is because it set up early ways of thinking, dealing with, and being, or not being, or how I was and am being about the topic of love, or life, or my love life.

When I grew into "dating age" which was about twelve years old for me, I was very romantic and I had a lot to prove to myself and the world. I wanted to be different. Or I should say I needed to be different. My plan would be different. I promised myself I would never do divorce. I would not be a fighter but a lover. I told myself with fear in my heart, whatever I do, don't become like your dad. Yeah, I had it all figured out and I was not even a teenager yet.

Well, I had it figured out but I had no way or how to do it in this, my plan.
So I jumped in and started falling in love over and over again, one after another through the teen years. The relationships would last six months to a year. It was always love for me but, it was not real. It was more like training wheel love. Then it happened. I was eighteen. This was some holy shit love! This girl was amazing in every direction and she would forever set the tone for what I was looking for in a woman. But we were still young and lots of growing in different directions to do.

When the relationship was over I was crushed. And crushed for so much longer than I had realized. I still had so much to learn and I was becoming more and more like my father. The anger within would take over! Hell any emotion inside would take over. My mind was a slave to my body. You see, the body is where emotions live. Those emotions can control you and make your mind start to think some pretty stressful negative shit. But I did not know this yet, so when the body ran, my mind would follow up and support.

So the mind following the body, I ran from one relationship to the next. Only small windows in between. Oh no, I was becoming like my father! Becoming my father meant I was afraid to be alone. But I would always do my best to pretend this away. Besides I was too busy being in love.

My mother, I was always in love with. She has always been there for me. Even when she was on the drugs and drink. She is sober now and has been for thirty years. She was a slight hippie minded ever expanding being. A true creator. A use to be singer songwriter, Vietnam war activist turned actor, turned screenplay writer, turned improve actor. Her spiritual beliefs have always been all over the map. From witch doctors, to american indian healing techniques, to eastern minded philosophies. She even lived a year with monks in Thailand. She is pretty rad and has always been understanding of my life and lifestyle as creator myself. We have always shared such. She is more than a Mom. She is a true friend. As well, she is a therapist, drug and alcohol counselor, helper of people. she gives in many ways in this world.

My father was a superstar jock. A legendary stockbroker at the chicago board of trade, a romantic, a very classic and somewhat old school way of looking at the world. A hypocritical catholic. He had nicknames like Rino, Ramjet, Work Horse. He loves his Irish blood. He is your best friend. Or he was. Now he is quite, shy, and seems to live in fear of his religion.

As weird as they both are. And as that is clear, I understand and feel closer to my Mother. My father I love him, but he is like Darth Vader these days. Mostly machine. He is who he is and that in my eyes, is a super hero beat down by his battles of love. The last broken hearted romantic.

It was very clear to me how I had come to believe that I had become who I am by way of these two freaks. And with their tools, and the environments knowledge that was given to me. The all I know.

I moved to Los Angeles in nineteen ninety nine with a girl I had been with for two and a half years at this point. We were already into an open relationship. Remember I said I was gonna do it different. By this point I had already had a bunch of normal relationships, never crossing lines. Part of the plan to being different was to be blunt and honest about everything, no matter what. And I was damn good at it too. But as I grew this normality was calling me less. I needed and wanted to explore shit in different directions. Perhaps I would be more comfortable that way. More free and less connected to the classic dramas of chiches in normal life. If I could be in love but not so attached.

Once deep in Los Angeles, shit got nuts. It was fun and educational twisted ride. This story I have already told a version of. It was the first feature film that I wrote and directed. The film is titled On Holiday. I would never say that the film is a true story, but everything about the film is true.

Here is the trailer to On Holiday

Through the On Holiday days, I turned into a dj and I was spinning records one to three nights a week for about eight years in the nearby desserts, downtown warehouses, and clubs around Hollywood. I was starting to get a lot of attention from many woman. In ways that I knew was only because I stood behind turntables. I thought to my weird minded and looking self, I should probably have a little fun with this. And I did. Always trying to stay true to my original plan of telling the truth no matter what. That was becoming much harder for me. As detached as I claimed to be, I was a shit house wreck, carrying around loads of haunted bags. Bags of lies and broken hearts, and an addiction to the thrill of it all.

When The DJ/On Holiday days were coming to an end. I started to realize I had fallen far from my plan. I didn’t like it but I didn’t hate it. I was happy to have had so many amazing beautiful and strange moments throughout it all. Good or bad, means nothing to me. It is just someone's opinion. I did believe this then, as i still do now. But I had my opinions in those haunted bags.

I had become a Prevertere.

I knew I had to get back to my original plan or some new modified version of. This was also hard for me. I still had the bags, and a taste for the thrill of it all. I got into a new relationship that started with an open agreement, with a clause to agree to never tell the truth about if you had done something with another. I now didn’t want truth. I just wanted to have my side world of safety ladies on the side. This was a security system my body had created for comfort. The mind agreed of course with no choice but to go along with the plan.

I even made two movies about the Prevertere. One tittled The Black Belle. The other, Prevertere.

Here is a the tailer for The Black Belle

A link to the full film of The Black Belle
http://main.snagfilms.com/films/title/the_black_belle

& the trailer for Prevertere

I do find a voodoo education and strange healing vibrations from making or telling stories about my real human experiences with open honesty. Perhaps it’s these truths that possibly relate best.

Another relationship of mine ends. Again I am crushed. This the longest one I had ever had. Six years. I actually didn’t think this one would ever end, no matter what. I bought in completely. So crushed. I found my mind completely shut down and the body completely leading the charge. The body was on a mission and a quest to prove to the ex, the self, the world, that I could be in love in the most magical and most deep and most important romantic way. I had no control. I was the strangest mess I had ever been ever in my life over the subject of love loss and heartbreak.

So I went to work like it was a full time job to find the love of my life. It didn’t take but a few painful months to find her. And she was a beautiful mess herself. Damaged by her own line of twisted relations. It was perfect. We needed each other to wack out our craziness.

And we did. Even though I was performing on new levels of crazy. This is a story that I am not yet ready to get into just yet. It would require to many words and I have already used a lot, with still more of this story at hand. But I will say, we did get through our past ties to our past relationships. So I thought. Or maybe I should say to some degree we did cut the ties. I did. Completely, and I believe so did she.

But somehow my haunted bag opened up and all these ghost from the past started to pop up. I felt like I was most karmaticly paying for my checkered past. When I was in the middle of the this storm she asked me one simple question that no one had ever asked me before, not even myself. She asked me. Why? Why do you do what you do?

I had no answer but I wanted one. I searched and puked for two weeks while shooting a film titles Sick Of It All. A film about a loveless relationship.

Here is the trailer to Sick Of It All

The subject of Sick Of It All was now blending real life and movie life. The voodoo was strong on this film. We got through production, and the girl and I seemed to be growing closer and back onto normal relationship track. Well after I asked her to marry me, it seemed to get better. I will admit I asked her to marry me partly to prove to her that none of my past meant a thing to me. I did love her too. As much as I could feel our differences I loved her. I think the differences in her was what was part of what attracted me to her.

This asking to marry deal is strange for me. I had somewhere along the line added to my plan that I would never marry. Just love. No need to do anything else. So perhaps it was not the cleanest proposal. But back to the “Why” question. Something happened to me when she asked me such. The answer I found took me back to being twelve years old again. To a time right before I gave a fuck at all about girls.

So now, here I am with no sex drive and no care. It felt great. For years I operated with thoughts that I might die if I don't have mindless sex and or strange connections with strangers. The strange connections was always the best part. The truth of this racket was, I was not in love with myself yet. I needed another to distract me from my loneliness.

So we got through the “Sick Of It All” days and we were together. The years when on. About five of them. and we got better and better as years went on. This past year we had not had one single fight. I thought all of this to be a good thing. We had some hard moments from time to time.

I hit a streak of bad luck. I had injured myself on the skateboard and that killed my workflow too. I couldn’t get a movie going or find any work. It felt like I had run out of all my juice to wheeled worlds. I got desperate, stressed, and followed the wrong leads, with the wrong people going nowhere but on wild goose chases. I was scrambled and lost in new ways. Not lost on love. Lost on my creative/professional life. Never have I had to deal with such before. But I was not worried about love. That was steady.

Still I needed something. I decided to start looking inside of me once again, but this time with a bit more attention and focus than I ever had before.

One random youtube suffering session I came across the video of the ten year old boy discussing his theory of how Cern has torn holes into our dimension, which has cause slight augmentations to our realities. This video lead me to all videos with the topic of quantum, until landing on a video about quantum consciousness.

And it began. This quantum consciousness spoke to me. It all sounded like practical common sense with a little directional focus.

After listening to the Dr. I found myself getting an education from Allen Watts.

Now Watts, from the beat era is speaking in ways that line up with what DR. Joe was saying. Just in a slightly different way perhaps.

Then I stumbled into Hicks.

Hicks says it best to me. I dove into her speeches and it has been almost a year. It started to work for me.

The world started to shine. Creative work was coming back. I was back on the skateboard, I was pitching my films and getting nibbles! I even found Steemit! Everything was looking pretty.

But then truth hit me. The fiancee is not happy. And one night about a month ago, I could feel this unhappy girl. So I ask and asked until she said such. “I have not been happy for a year” she said.

It was a shock to me at first. But over the course of a couple weeks I started to see our path to this dance ever so clearly and started to agree with the idea of being alone. Giving her her world and space back. She is an amazing beautiful one and I only want her to be happy. And to be unhappy for a year, is way too long.

I finally got the courage to tell her my thoughts and that i agreed and that it was probably best that we went our own way. I told her I would move out at the end of the this month. She agreed.

So here I am. Just a week until I have to move out. It is a very strange and peaceful feeling even though I do not know where I am going to live yet. I am not to worried about it as I know something good will come to me this week to make a move possible. I feel it as I type. As well, I am amazed at myself and how I am feeling about this break up. After the long road I have had with her, i never thought I would feel the way I do now.

The way I feel now is easy. I know that we are not splitting up over the love that we have for eachother, but for the love we have for ourselves. I believe that this dance I have been on has lead me to this. The idea of happy alone. The deeper I go the more I am realizing that there is no such thing as alone. The deeper I go I truly understand that everything is all about perception. The deeper I go the more I realize that beliefs are just thoughts that you keep thinking, and it is truly up to you what you think. So with all of this choice of all of the thoughts to think, I have decided that the way I feel matters to me. So I will continue to replace old thoughts with the ones I want.

I believe that this is what I am going through. My mind and body and lining up into the same vibrational frequency. I care about how I feel and that is the focus. It feels right. I am sure one day I will turn this story into a movie. Or maybe this story has been told and does not need a retelling?

All I know is I am excited for what happens. It is an amazing dance! Everyday is truly Christmas.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I hope it somehow helps or at least entertains. If anybody wants to know more about my films, see my films, wanna talk about the budget of Carnival 83 and possible investment, Please reach out and say hello!

If anybody has comments, advice, thoughts, on love, my love life, your love life, life, please reach out to me. I am more than happy to discuss it all!

Also I am taking donations to help with my move out and into a new place. Moving is never cheap and an unexpected move is not any cheaper! If you can help it would mean more than the world! Who ever helps me I will hook them up with links to all my films, some music, and be your biggest fan! Hit me with Steem or Btc: 12yg11CjpLV5EtSxg41mYaTnKtLq8oaL9Y

Thank you in advance to those who can help. And if you can't, thank you all the same.
Great luck to you all and be rad!