HEARTBREAK AIRBNB

LEONARD'S AIRBNB REVIEWS

RYAN AND HIS GROUP
I was very happy to have Ryan and his wife (gf?) Briana enjoy the coffee in my basement apartment. It was a particular brand of French roast left behind by my ex, Lisa. I was glad for them to use it up. Anyway I highly recommend Ryan, he is a top-notch guest.

GRAYDON
Graydon came all the way from San Diego, and despite traveling alone, he took full advantage of our city. I had hoped to spend more time with Graydon, us two single guys in one house, but Graydon, an excellent guest, was also a man of mystery quietly coming and going, the way Lisa (my ex-girlfriend) used to towards the end of our relationship. What does Graydon have to hide? Only that he's tidy and stays in excellent communication through the Airbnb app! Thumbs up, G!

STEPHANIE
Great guest. Followed the house rules. Did not remind me of my ex (long story) except that she was the exact opposite of Lisa—blonde, whereas Lisa was a brunette, and tall, where Lisa was short. Not too short. Sort of that perfect evolutionary male to female height ratio. Stephanie would be perfect for a tall man. And I appreciated that she separated the trash from the recycling.

BETH-ANNE'S GROUP
Beth-Anne and her family stayed with us. Five stars Beth-Anne! Five stars for stripping the beds, five stars for washing the dishes, and five stars for finding the man you love, starting a family, and sharing your life with him, the good times, the hardship, and the visit to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (one of your boys left the brochure under the couch wadded up with blue bubble gum NOT A PROBLEM)! So glad you enjoyed the city, and clearly enjoy being a mother and a spouse, which believe it or not, is a sticking point for some relationships; once these ideas begin to become actual possibilities, some women run scared, fast as they can. You clearly didn't Beth. Just five stars, overall. For everything.

MEGHAN AND HER GROUP
Do two women traveling alone need to even acknowledge their host with a hello, or even a cursory nod? Apparently not. The separate entrance to the basement is clearly there for a reason, and of course I'm not OWED anything by the female race, except, perhaps by one certain Lisa (sorry to be confusing, Lisa was not with Meghan, Meghan's friend was Melanie, which was actually a little confusing), so NO PROBLEM Meghan and Melanie, you guys go out every night and stay out late the next time you visit too, FOUR STARS, but only because you broke a glass, NOT because you guys were clearly drunk (on Southern Comfort?). Because I want my guests to have a GREAT time. I want SOMEBODY to have even a decent time in this House of Loneliness (not the actual name. If you want to find this listing type: CharmingPortlandGardenBasement in your browser, or just book mark this page!)

JI-HOON AND HIS GROUP
Ji-hoon and Seul-ki came all the way from South Korea! This is why I love Airbnb..I didn't think I'd have anything in common with them at all, but then LOVE. These two are obviously reveling in the languorous first iteration, the primavera of their love. Clearly the affectionate glances they exchanged and the way they sauntered into the cool air each morning, hand in hand, on their way to Ristretto cafe (I have a list of neighborhood recommendations, which they took advantage of!) was a testament to their tenderness, and so were the thoughtful (I assume, as they only left the boxes) gifts they bought each other at the Nike outlet store and Best Buy. I met the love of my life (Lisa) at Ristretto and we had our first date at Ned Ludd. And where did Ji-hoon and Seul-ki dine their first night out? You guessed it (crazy Luddites)! Did the hearth glow warmly, the same way it did on my first date, and were Seul-ki's eyes soft as she sat across from Ji-hoon? Could they feel something in their waters, the way I did, the way I thought WE (Lisa and I) did? But then again, I don't speak Korean. For all I know, under the surface, Seul-ki might have been harboring resentment towards Ji-hoon. It might have started in Toronto one night when he just mentioned marriage, and Seul-ki got super drunk and acted bat-shit crazy at the Quebecoise bar they closed out and then locked herself in the bathroom and called her sister. Maybe Ji-hoon felt sick from all the poutine, and maybe, just maybe. Yes. Maybe Seul-ki felt that his love was so big and deep and wide—wider than an ocean—so much so, that she was scared of this oceanic love. Because she had never permitted anyone to love her this way, because Seul-ki didn't love HERSELF enough. In that case, it couldn't have been Ji-hoon's fault. There was nothing he could have done. You can't make a brick wall love you back, you can only dissolve it with your tears. Not your fault, Ji-hoon. But I'm sure they were in love. Some people get to have that, right?! But I don't fucking speak Korean, and unfortunately I don't speak French so I'll never have any idea what Lisa was saying on the phone (one day I'll have to google translate swee pas amore rose). So Ji-hoon and Seul-ki were crazy in love. I have to believe that. Both of them turned off the heat when they left, folded the towels neatly, and ripped out what was left of my heart. No, that was somebody else. Actually Ji-hoon and Seul-ki left me some Korean candy. Stellar guests.

LISA
No, not that Lisa. But she even looked a little like her. One star. For reminding me of her, every god damned day, when she texted through the app. And my guest had to speak French too. And I had to ask for the translation. No, JK, five stars, awesome guest. Highly recommend Lisa.

PRIVATE GUEST FEEDBACK
Hey Lisa, just wanted to let you know again, how great it was having you. AND...I don't mean to be stalky or weird, but if you ever find yourself in Portland again and want to grab some coffee, I know the perfect place. No worries if not. Just text me through the app.