These are all excellent points. When I met my husband, Frank, before committing to the relationship, we had to establish a few things. He has kids with his gay ex, and I have CPTSD from an abusive relationship. It was going to be easy for either of us to adjust. We also defined things to each other. Monogamy, commitment, etc. We both did not want to feel caged in, but we both needed devotion from the other. While we alloow each toher freedom to go out and do things on our own, we also respect the desire and need to be together a lot and to know that the other is safe if we are not together. It's not to control him that I ask my husband to call when he's on his way home from work. He used to text a lot when he arrived at work to appease my fears. I need that less now, due to less anxiety in that regard. We need fairness. What applies to me applies to him. He calls me for certain things, so I call him for certain things. I needed to live in my house that we chose together, but until the kids were old enough, he needed to be very close to them and have them 50/50 with their mother. So I lived in his old house, the house he had had with her before she moved out, for a few years. It was a sacrifice I willingly made out of love for him, knowing that eventually, we would have OUR house. Now we live in OUR house, the kids are older, we have them less because it's a bit farther, since it's closer to Frank's work and we're here to stay now. The kids love it here and they were very involved in choosing decor and paint for the house. It was a lot of fun, to say the least.

It's not easy, it's complicated at times. The kids now know so much about mental health and abuse, which they would never have learnt in school, and I'm glad I can be there to teach them what I've learnt from healing myself. It was possible because Frank and I were willing to make the necessary compromises to make our relationship work. We were honest with each other and built trust. When we married, we reinforced that.

We allow ourselves space when we need it. If I have an emotional flashback, I walk things off, and we have our meet spot where we meet once I've cooled off a bit. When he needs to go out with some friends, he always includes me, but often times, he goes alone, because I prefer a quiet night in. I enjoy being home alone when he's at work and being in my space. He enjoys being in his space at home while I'm in mine and every now and then, we enter each other's bubbles for a hug or a kiss.

All this took work. All this required understanding and communication.

I am so happy. We love each other so much. When you commit to someone, you are sacrificing certain freedoms that you had when you were single, but you are respecting certain needs knowing that that person is doing the same. When you find the commitments and compromises that work for both of you, it works. And it's in constant flux too. Readjusting to each other. Respecting each other's boundaries, while fulfilling each other's needs.