Just be yourself. Why is this piece of advice so difficult to follow? Just work harder. Why do we so often take this advice and find we are just spinning our wheels with no real results?
There are some aspects of life that do not lend themselves to strenuous, deliberate effort.
This is because activities like creative expression or being yourself rely on a certain degree of spontaneity.
Consider the last time you had a really creative, unique idea. Chances are it was not the result of squinting your eyes and concentrating for hours on end.
Consider the last time you lost yourself in the moment, and remember how little you had to "try" to achieve this feeling. Chances are it arose spontaneously.
The best ideas and most enjoyable times in life always contain a certain degree of spontaneity, and of course, the enemy of spontaneity is routine and resistance.
This explains why telling someone just be yourself doesn't really make sense. The real you is spontaneous, not some act that requires conscious effort.
This also explains why sitting down with the intention of coming up with a great idea never seems to work, and why we are our least creative when we try too hard to be creative.
In this way many of the greatest qualities in life can be summed up in a single paradox: the harder you try for some things, the further you are from achieving them.
Enter wu wei, or "non-doing," a concept of Taoism.
This idea does not promote laziness as it may suggest, but rather entering a state of mind where the actions you take are effortless and obvious. In this state of heightened awareness, at once it becomes clear how you should act in all situations.
When you enter a spontaneous state of mind you may find the thing you so desperately desire is something you didn't need after all, or in the words of Lao Tzu in the Tao Te Ching:
When there is no desire,
all things are at peace.
At its core, the wu wei state of mind emphasizes being at one with nature and all of its processes. When you behave spontaneously, you no longer find friction between your desires and reality. The world becomes one again.
There are many great techniques for training the wu wei state of mind, but perhaps the most obvious and accessible starting point is meditation. Immersion in the present moment is key, and meditation is perhaps the best way to accomplish this.
Life is most enjoyable when you aren't trying to enjoy it.
When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you. (Lao Tzu)
If you wish to read more on this subject and start training the wu wei state of mind, I would recommend starting with Doing Nothing and Do Everything.
If you enjoyed this introduction to the concept of wu wei and wish to see more of my work on smart self-development, please follow me @tylerkmwilliams.
Nice post, I really wanted to be able to just be myself. But it's always a hard job.
Thank you for the kind words, and yes many people share this sentiment.
Thanks for this post. It got me thinking about the following:
“Just be yourself” is a tall order since:
Who is “yourself” to the person to whom the question is being posed? Many people equate their “self” with their physical self: “I am a person who likes walks on the beach, caring for my children, sports, and art” vs. I am infinite awareness having a physical experience (as David Icke puts it).
The self is constantly evolving as it is exposed to more and more things that help it define what it prefers. How does one decide to be something that is in flux?
Rather than saying “just be yourself,” maybe it’s more useful to advise ourselves to frequently ask ourselves:
Who do I want to be in this moment?
Do I want to be the self who is at peace with myself and those around me?
Do I want to be the self who is worried about myself and those around me?
Do I want to be the self who is excited to experience whatever life situation manifests next?
Do I want to be the self who is only happy if a very rigid set of circumstances are going in the exact way I decided I wanted them to?
More simply:
Do I want to be the self who knows all is well and everything is always working out perfectly?
Very well put. I agree with everything you wrote here. I think it is very clear that the 'self' commonly referred to is an illusion, merely an artifact of our ability to remember past experiences and draw complex connections. The real self can probably only be described as the stream of consciousness, the experiences of the present moment.
Great piece. Taoism is my favorite, always brings me closer to peace :)