It a real story, the most real I can tell. We all, I guess, have this kind of story, that we haven't told to many people and haven't taken a courage to talk or think about it earlier.
So, here is mine. I moved to a different country and still felt much under pressure. The pressure that I didn't know the source of and I started taking some thought about like asking myself different questions and looking for an answer. Reading smart books and talking to inspired people I learnt that our condition and mental health so much more than we think and goes so much deeper than it seems.
I started digging. "Wow, that is a lot of thoughts and memories!", I thought every time I tried to meditate. My mind was never even close to being relaxed. Every time I close my eyes, IT starts, a vicious chaos of all kinds of thoughts and memories and ideas that ever were stored in my head and if I didn't do anything I was slowly falling asleep with a craziest and most impossible plot in my head. Sometimes I fancied it, but loads of times it scared me because of how unorganised, chaotic and strong the stream of them was.
I spend last year trying to fix myself, to learn myself, to love myself. I can't say nothing has changed because it will be a lie, but something still makes me feel lost. By the end of the year I started to try to meditate more (exactly try! because I'm not sure I was doing it exactly right), so every time I felt low, I left all the things aside and went to bed to relax. What I was actually doing is thinking, lots of very deep thinking and looking into and digging into my mind in those jungles of chaos to find something that I myself didn't know what. Do you think I found what I was looking for?
No. I woke up such old and long forgotten memories from my childhood and I didn’t know what to do with them. They woke up offence and hate. They in their turn woke up questions to the people and situations that hurt me and outrage. I was digging for dirt and got myself upset, disappointed and depressed. I was feeling so much hate and from the old memories they switched to reality and I thought the whole world hate me and I hated it back.
In some moments I felt genderless, powerless piece of hating and hated energy. And every time I felt that way I went to bed and closed my eyes and started digging again.
Later I suddenly put some interest in such topics and femininity not in a sense of feminism, but in a sense of feminine and masculine energies. Started reading some books about love and found a book where the author was talking about the influence of an early stage of life and relationships with our parents and I decided that my father was guilty of all my life fails and of my depressions and of my feeling lost and unable to love and be loved. Why him? He is a bit of a dragon with a very strong character and hand. When I was a child he used to beat me for whatever reason he had (however sometimes maybe a little fair, but I never thought that beating a person can make any better for anyone). He was beating my mum as well and I saw it and he was generally treating us not fair, not loving and with no respect. He could insult and hit me and five minutes later tell me that he loves me and I'm the best daughter.
Only later I started listening to the things he was saying when angry and I realised he was afraid that we will betray him and that we don't love him, but he kept treating us like slaves and so he couldn't get what he wanted. I guess, he probably never knew what love is. How people express it, how they behave, how people trust and why. He thought his impulsive behaviour and physical actions will disappear in our minds as soon as he says "I'm sorry!" Well, they never did. They gave birth to the distance, mistrust and disconnection. Maybe he didn't realise people around were afraid of him and he has never heard the truth from anyone of how cruel and unfair he is. He was nice sometimes too, actually a lot of time as well, but I was too scared to trust him in those moments. Too scared to say more than needed only not to wake up the volcano inside him. I can tell as many good as bad stories about him, he is definitely a very interesting personality. Some people love him to death for what he did to them, some people hate him for how strong and successful he is and some people live with him and know a different side.
Reading a book and learning about the importance of father-daughter relationships I found him guilty guilty guilty of all the mental problems and moral dilemmas I have nowadays. "He made me like this. He destroyed my life. I don't trust anyone. They are nice now, but another word and they'll show their real face.", this pretty much sums up my trust to everyone. I thought of my last few relationships when I drove people insane because of my trust issues and people felt completely misunderstood like when my friend told me a story that his university friend had to move out of her apartment and she had nowhere to stay and he took her. Instead of hearing him being nice and helpful, I heard that he's taking some lady to his apartment and that she's probably planned it. There're many situations like that when I missed listening to people and heard only my scared inner voice.
But the thing that I realised was that I didn't work on myself to change my vision. I was thinking how guilty my dad is for the situations I have now. As with everything, it comes to the point where you stand on the end of the road, you look back and you see how much you missed and lost just because at some point you decided to find the guilty and not to take an action to work with your inner fears. You see have many broken relationships with people you have, because you didn't learn anything, but found someone to blame.
It is hard to trust and to see the real world as it is when you're a dreamer, when you used to live in your imaginary world, in your fears, when you used to them and take them as your saviours and signals to run away or hide. But the first step to become a better person is to try to work on yourself and trust the world and people.
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