How Do You Tell Your Neighbors To Stop Having Sex?

So I recently moved into this amazing apartment building in Downtown LA. And not gonna lie, I was pretty damn excited about it!

It's walking distance to all the cool bars and restaurants, there's a dog park across the street, and everything is literally a $3 Uber ride away... Including work!

So after the first week of me being there, everything was perfectly honky-dory! I'm getting my shit set up. Hooking up my electronics. Just normal "moving in" type shit.

But, by the second week, I started noticing something.

One night, as I'm trying to sleep, I here what sounds like two baboons fighting.

I realize rather quickly, no baboons, just my two VERY unattractive neighbors, "Herb" and "Lupe" having sex.

Now I'm a pretty liberal guy. I'm hip. I get it. "Live and let fuck" I say!

So I just turn some music way up, thinking these animals would be done sooner than later.

And an hour and a half later it finally stopped.

So that morning, not thinking anything of it, I tuned it out of my head. Went to work. Met some buddies for happy hour. Then eventually went home.

Sure enough, around 11pm, the neighbors are "bumpin uglies" again. This time louder than the night before!

It sounded like this woman was being body slammed repeatedly. At some point, I'm pretty sure I heard springs poppin.

And this went on for two hours.

(By the way, good on him for the sexual stamina. That's no easy feat! Props should definitely be given to the guy for going the long haul.)

There's no way in hell I can go two nights without sleep and not fuck up at my job. So I walk next door and start banging! (The door, I didn't join them!)

The guy, Herb, looks like weighs about about 300 lbs, and possibly the hairiest mother fucker I've ever seen in my life. I'm sure Ron Jeremy has some illegitimate kids out here, and I would pay for the paternity test for Herb!

The asshole opens the door wearing nothing but a hipster beanie and a face-cloth in front of his junk.

I ask Herb if he and his chick could maybe "tone it down". I mean, how in the hell do you ask a guy to fuck quietly right?

Well good o'l Herb gives me the "sure brotha" (you know... cause I'm Black and that's how we all talk), then goes back to plowing his girl.

After she obviously came (or at least when her grunts died down), I was able to finally fell asleep... around 3am!

This has gone on for about a week now, and even as write this, I'm running through my options!

There's a lot of ways I can punish these people. Some legal. Some might walk that fine line.

But if I have to listen to Lupe use the "Lord's name," in both English and Spanish, one more goddamnn night... I'm going to cut their brake lines!