The Divorce Diaries # 2

Taking the Blame

Hi again, Steem!

Here’s some more journal entries detailing the early stages of my crumbling marriage. There are a lot of ups & downs in my emotions, with one steady exception- guilt. I harbor so much guilt and take on the full responsibility of what’s happening, and site some nasty behaviors as the source. It isn’t for a few more days that I start to do anything besides criticize myself for the breakdown of this relationship; instead, I move onto sympathy & self-pity, anger, confusion, and disconnect- and all before the holidays! But for now, these next few entries detail the dynamics of picking out all the things you’ve done wrong and amplifying them to attach some sense to a situation void of any real logic. Life’s not always logical or by the book. We’ll learn that.

Just a reminder- I've changed the names of people & places, and I've bolded any clarifying details that I added after writing these journal entries.

Monday, December 4

Some days I feel more hopeful than others. I think about the couples that want to be together and have to fight for it. Joe & I were given an opportunity to spend our lives together, and it seems unfair and lazy to waste it. I want to fight for our relationship, and give it my everything. Some days I think, “of course we’ll be fine, and we’ll work through this and be better than we were before.” But does Joe have the same faith in us?

There are a couple things I shouldn’t be doing, and that’s one of them- asking questions I know I can’t answer. I don’t know what Joe is thinking or feeling, truly, and I don’t feel comfortable asking right now. I don’t even know that he’s being honest with me; he’s too kind to hurt me by simply saying “No, I don’t think this is going to work.” Instead he’ll stay quiet for a long time, and then say “I don’t know.” In truth, I don’t know that I can handle what he really wants to say. But the little things give me hope. The “I don’t know”s are at least not definitive, and they at least are considering my feelings. He at least cares enough about me to not want to hurt me.

I am hopeful for other reasons, too. The same things are important to Joe and me- family, being honest, having integrity, being open-minded and willing to learn and change our ideas, being reliable and helping our family & friends when they need it, music, laughter, being creative. There was a time that he inspired me to be creative and try new things, and there was a time that I could be his creative confidant and keep him grounded and logical.

Friday, December 8

#Counseling sucked. Yesterday sucked. I still don’t have a job, and I still suck. The counseling was focused on the Smithtown issue, and Dr. Fran was a bit hard on Joe for that, but there’s a lot more that we didn’t get to talk about- literally all of the bad things I’ve done. So Joe left feeling attacked, and said he didn’t want to try anymore. He was so angry. Then I succumbed to my most infantile behavior and wept with guilt and begged him to give me another chance, until he relented.

He went to my Mom’s to talk, and they talked for awhile. He said it gave him some good perspective, and made him want to work on things. But at the same time, he feels hesitant to work on things because if it doesn’t work, he’ll have to have a painful “I don’t love you anymore” conversation again. I asked him to just try, and he agreed.

He asked that we spend some time apart to reset his mind, and I’m hoping that will give us a fresh start. Maybe it’ll make things worse, I don’t know.

I didn’t ask my mom what was said between them, but just asked if she thought we could try to fix it. She told me that Joe seems hurt over a lot of things, but that he is noticing I’m trying. She said we both need to make some changes, and remember why we got married in the first place.

It’s strange how one little thing doesn’t seem like much, but you let it nag at you until it becomes more & more. Feeling unimportant to Joe made me angry & I wanted my feelings to be validated to I’d fight tooth & nail to be right. That made me get mean. Being mean made me not like myself too much, and I stopped being myself- I stopped being happy and creative and motivated. Without all those things, I felt empty and gained weight and got lazy. And all of that built up into an ugly person that took it out on the nearest thing she could- Sam. Just like those little things built up in me, my nasty behavior slowly wore him down. I realize now how big the consequences of my actions are; people don’t just bounce back because you’ve said you're sorry in one moment and do it again later. Those things hurt, deeply.

Whether or not Joe will forgive me, I will be a better person. Writing everything out makes me feel better, and makes me see things more clearly. In the beginning of all this, Joe hadn’t actually said the words “I don’t love you,” but he’s said them now. Preparing myself in this journal made it easier to hear. It made me better understand where his feelings were coming from, and what I’ve done to contribute to it. It’s also made me believe that things are fixable between us, and that I can be better.

Sunday, December 10

I stayed at my mom’s all weekend and took the opportunity to think about where my behaviors came from. It’s probably some deep seeded thing from my childhood, but for whatever reason, I always need to be first. It was eye opening to look at the behaviors throughout my life and how I’ve had this internal battle between doing what’s right and doing what I want. I always want to be the best, the smartest, the winner, and the one with the last word. Always having to be the one with the power- like being vulnerable or being wrong in front of someone was so weak. How can I expect to ever learn anything if I think I’m always right? It makes much more sense to remain open, and remain teachable, and listen.

Now I can only dream of the days when he wanted nothing more than to see me, to go for walks or eat dinner, to watch movies or talk about being kids, to listen to music or take pictures, to spend time laughing with his family, to play monopoly, to buy ourselves treats like new sweatshirts, to play with Walnut, to sing in the car together, to have sleepovers on the floor in front of the tv, to show off his dirt bike, or to have long talks about life around the table with Uncle George and Kim. I’ll cherish those memories, no matter what happens, but they hurt to think of because they’re mixed with the disappointment of what I’ve lost, and all that I’ve done to lose it.

Joe and I talked tonight and he just doesn’t love me. My behaviors have made him fall out of love with me and feel nothing but unhappiness. I’ve asked so many times to try and fix it, and show him I’ll be better, but he doesn’t want to. He’s agreed to, but he doesn’t want to. It leaves me with a very important question- do I let him go? I want him to be happy and i believe we can be happy together again, but what if I’m wrong and I’m setting him up for more hurt? I will do anything to see him happy again. I just don’t know the right thing to do.

There are so many things I’m thinking and I just don’t know what to make of it all. I can count on one hand the happy couples I know that have found success and contentment in their marriages, and I’m trying to find the common thread- the secret. I think it’s just being kind. It’s putting the person you love before your own needs. That’s the one thing I couldn’t seem to figure out how to do until it was too late. I’d give anything to go back and just be more kind. To look at Sam’s feeling and handle them gently and with care.

Maybe that’s my wish- that Joe never met me in the first place. He’d be fine now. But instead, he will live with this failed and crumbled marriage forever. He’ll have to remember me when he thinks of Squid (my nephew’s nickname) being born or Christy getting married, his grandfather dying or family reunions in Boston, countless birthdays and trips. So many of his life’s memories are wrapped up in mine- how can I go anywhere or do anything without being reminded of my mistakes? What movies or holidays or foods or restaurants or jokes or games haven’t we shared? How can I ever start fresh when I gave my whole life, and then wasted it?