Am I Alive?

      

I opened my eyes one day to realize that I was "alive". Twenty Five years ago. "What happened?", I asked myself. Where am I? I started crying... For some reason I thought that was the best thing to do. Consciousness... "Am I alive?"

They say that one is truly alive only when he can perceive his own existence. Ironically, most of us do not realize what we really are until the very last minute of our lives. Some random thoughts: A pile of dust perhaps? Just another intelligent being along the cosmos? An illusion? Perhaps a mathematical expression?  

Survival was my highest priority. Unfortunately, I had not mastered the art of walking yet. Nor had I mastered the communication technique of these strange beings.  They seemed to communicate using vowels and consonants. On my attempt to ask for my release I screamed. It seemed to be working. These beings were panicking. They didn't expect me to scream that loud, i guess... I continued. Yes ,I was sure of it. My screaming was effective. These species had no choice. They carried me and put me into a special isolation chamber.   

We go on in our lives thinking that we are the center of the cosmos. We are so selfish, that we think that we are chosen  by a supernatural being. We are so arrogant that we don't realize that our lives are finite, but at the same time we are scared, to see the truth. We hold the hope of an afterlife, an infinite life, a perfect life. How convenient would that be? If there was truly an afterlife, are we worthy? Who cares? I don't.

The chamber held me for a few days. Two species though, came for my rescue. They had sworn to protect me and carry on all my desires. I had asked them to teach me their ways. They did not seem to understand at first, but later they somehow clicked. After a few months of hard and intensive studying I started understanding their ways. In the meantime they were still loyal. I had trained them to feed me, dress me bath me and carry me. Sometimes they tried to entertain me. 

We come in this world without any bonds. We don't know who we are. We don't know of any religion, any ethnicity. We don't know what government is, we don't know what taxes are, what money is. Unfortunately, we learn about that kind of stuff. However, we forget about our finite life. We forget about the basics: What are we? "Am I alive?". How many times do we sit and ask ourselves this fundamental question? Are we alive or is all this an illusion. If it is an illusion does it matter?

The time had come. I managed to master the ability of walk. I was truly unstoppable now! The world would tremble under my feet as I could finally go where I desired. After a while, I had become such an expert to an extent that speed was no longer a problem. One day the words of these beings started making sense to me. I could finally understand what they were saying. I had adapted so well to their miserable environment that I had become one of them. They gave me a name. For some reason they thought it would be a good idea to drown me in water and assign me to a cult. Christianity, they say. Why didn't they ask me? 

So does it matter? It seems it is the only thing that matters. Whether this is an illusion, whether we exist or whether we will seize to exist  some day. So what is key here? Why do we make these thoughts? Why am I writing this note? The answer is human consciousness. Consciousness is what gives us the illusion of having a self. We are programmed to experience and feel that we are each somebody. That we are something special. Is self-awareness and consciousness a tragic mistake of evolution?  Why do we separate ourselves from nature? Why are we so arrogant? Should we perhaps correct natures mistake?

I thought I was unstoppable when i first walked. Human error I would say. Some people learn to "walk" and fall into the same trap. Walking on your own legs does not make you someone. 

Many years have past since that day. Since the day i first opened my eyes, the day I heard all the noises of this world. In fact 25 years. I have yet to free myself from this world. I remain a slave of survival, a slave of my emotions. I have the feeling that I have accomplished however... Ironically I have achieved nothing. I am surrounded by people, some are loyal and true friends. We share common interests perhaps. Others are false positives. The false positives will appear now and then, however they themselves know they are false positives. So they keep their distances and I keep mine. I never had time for hypocrisy. No time to invest in false positives. For the true positives though I am willing to give everything, whatever that may be. 

Complicating things you say? "Life is how it is and we should aim to leave this world smiling" you say? There you are, being selfish again...What a fool you are. What a fool. Are you alive?