Suppose you’re an alien from outer space, you arrive to planet earth and start exploring this beautiful planet. But first things first, let’s get the basics right.
Water, Fire, Air, Earth... And what was that fifth element again?
Oh yeah! Wi-Fi.
You head to some popular coffee shop called Starbucks. You stop at the door and notice they have a peculiar logo.
It looks like some double-tailed mermaid with a fetish for jewelry. Well that’s strange.
You figure she’s just trying to cover up her Siamese affliction with extra jewelry. Everyone has something to compensate for, right?
You go inside, wait in line, and order a coffee.
“How do you want it?”
I don’t know… In a cup?
“No, I mean… You can have a Blonde Roast, a Clover Brewed, a Special Dark, a Flat White, a Molten Chocolate, a Caramel Macchiato, a Caramel Flan Latte, a Hazelnut Macchiato, a Cinnamon Dolce, a Pumpkin Spice, a Peppermint Mocha, a Smoked Butterscotch, and a last but not least, a Tiramisu Latte.”
Holy crap!
“Oh yeah, we have 39 different kinds of coffee!”
Hence the holy crap!
“Beg your pardon?”
You have 39 different flavors of coffee, yet when you vote, you have democrat or republican.
He gives you a mean look and asks for your name.
You say Alien, and he writes it on the cup.
You find a table and you pull a chair, and just when you’re about to sit down…
Damn it! I know this was gonna happen...
They spelled it Aline.
Well, it could’ve be worse. It could’ve been Al Yen… Or Covfefe.
Anyways, you make yourself comfortable, you grab your backpack, open your laptop, type in the Wi-Fi password and when you’re just about to log in to steemit, the craziest thing happens.
Out of nowhere, some dude comes charging up the front door in full throttle pushing chairs away and shooting out spit in his way, all while screaming:
Where the fuck is my Jesus?
At this stage, you’re pretty much sticking your nose in that coffee trying to figure out if Cappuccino contains high levels of alcohol... Or trace elements of Ibogaine.
The guy is now standing right next to you, and he looks extremely outraged.
His face is reddened, his chest is breathing heavy, even his earlobes are fuming…
His head looks like it’s about five seconds away from exploding, but he just won’t just stop asking: Where the fuck is my Jesus?
All of the sudden, a multitude of people appear out of nowhere and they immediately join him. They all seem to display the same emotions of distress. The all seem to be extremely offended about something, but you don’t know what.
Their eyebrows are arched, their cheeks are flaming red, and the outrage is pretty damn uncontrollable.
Their heads are fuming so much they beat the espresso machine in vapor emission.
And strangest of all, they all seem to be asking about the whereabouts of Jesus.
As it turn out, each Christmas, the coffee conglomerate called Starbucks tends to writes “Merry Christmas” on their cups. But this time, someone, somehow forgot to write Merry Christmas and instead they wrote “Happy Holidays”.
And that’s how The War on Christmas started.
The fierce and ferocious outrage has effectively polarized and divided the country.
The science community is still speculating about the reason why all of this drama was ignited , but the general consensus has it that: Not enough Jesus in the coffee.
And now we have an even bigger problem to solve.
How the hell am I supposed to explain this to the other aliens?
You go to the library and you start busting up all sorts of religious books, The Bible, The Torah, The Koran, The Talmud…
Guess what? In all of these books combined, not one reference to a Double Shot, Triple Venti, Half Caff, Non-Fat, extra foam Frappucino… With extra cheese.
None whatsoever.
And you wonder, what were these people expecting anyways? That they miraculously find some passage with Moses waking up in the desert, heading to the Cappuccino machine only to realize that there was no coffee left.
“Damn it, I’m not a morning person!” He takes his staff and jams it into the ground. And the earth splits in two… And with it the sea parts in two as well.
Which ironically explains our mystery of how that Starbucks mermaid got her tail split in two.
Jokes aside, it’s hard to figure out why were so many people offended about that cup of coffee. After all, what possible relationship exists between sacred books and coffee beans?
My guess is, they were just looking for an excuse to get their daily dose of outrage.
All You Need in Life is Outrage
This is not a partisan issue by the way, far from it in fact.
Across the board, everyone is seems to be actively looking for reasons to be outraged. Both on the left and the right.
You see NASA scientists offending people by wearing certain shirts, university students getting offended if someone were to form a different opinion from theirs.
They even go further than that, and claim they suffer from a Micro-Traumatism if someone were to say something they don’t fully agree with.
Any excuse just to feel offended, no matter how ridiculous it may be. And when you can’t seem to find anything to get outraged about… You just make one up.
Like Cultural Appropriation for example.
Cultural Appropriation basically means that under no circumstance you should never, never-ever, never-ever-ever commit the unspeakable crime, the unforgivable atrocity and one of the seven deadly sins: Dressing up like a foreigner.
So if you’re a Caucasian person, then you can no longer dress like Chinese person for example.
You can still wear clothes Made in China though, just not something that a Chinese person would wear.
What use would you have for logic and common sense while you can just sit around and feel offended?
You can stuff your face with Burritos all night long, but God forbid someone snatches a picture of you wearing a sombrero after four shots of Tequila.
You really cannot make this stuff up.
No one seems to be immune to this new outrage phenomenon by the way. Even the president of the United States was recently caught taking offense at football players for the weirdest reason: Bending the knee.
The only way this could get crazier if they made Daenerys Targaryen do a cameo and start shouting:
Bend the knee! Bend the knee! Bend the knee!
And since we’re in the subject of outrage, no human being has exhibited more amounts of outrage in the recent years than Alex Jones. In fact, it’s hard to imagine him not being outraged.
What is he mad about this time?
Oh yeah, they’re turning the frogs gay!
Well, judging by the increasing demand for the frog sized assless chaps in the recent years, how can you not be outraged?
The need for getting offended, that's going to be a hard thing to explain to aliens.
Yes!
Recreational outrage is my favorite kind!
Spoiled little humans, for the first time in the history of your species the day to day struggle for survival is measured by the power bar on your iPhone and the strength of your wifi signal!
Cultural-appropriation-triggered outrage was the canary in the coal mine to sound off on the pre-determined apathy for real issues we have been waiting for!
That birdie is whistling the Imperial March, forget the Rapture, welcome to the Quickening!
The rapid devolution in sanity, common sense and personal cleanliness heralds the new era!
Woe to your future, you have chosen and will perish,
THE TRAVELER HAS COME!
Man you know how to string words together and think outside the box. I'm looking forward for your book, I'm sure you're doing some great work right now :)
Awesome, thanks Adil!
Over 15,000 words typed out so far; apparently publishers feel comfortable with 80,000 - 90,000...
You definitely own the ability to hook up the mind of the reader for the entire post!
Keep on inspiring!
Thanks for the nice words and great comment!
the humor inside the post was on fire hahah
Haha thanks! :)
you made it fun quite interesting way of writing i need to learn from you
Thank you for the nice comment. I just try to give the reader a nice experience that's all :)
Hahaha! Geniously hilarious! Humor is the best way to be critical about our way of life, because if you make someone laugh, maybe you wont get slaped in the face... Come to Portugal, we only have great espresso!
Thank you! I agree, humor is the best way to be critical about life :) I will be in Portugal for steemfest of course. Thanks for the great words!
hahah don't know why but i enjoyed this one a lot
I'm glad you did :)
Lmfao what sick post lol lol you're a crazy man... great stuff
Haha I'm glad you liked it :)
Hilarious! People can get really militant about their coffee. You've drawn together some seemingly disparate influences. They suggest some unmistakable patterns that might be visible from outer space.
Haha when you step back and look at it, it's funny sometimes and shows that we give certain things way more importance than they deserve. :P
Haha militant about their coffee :)
But coffee surely DOES deserve all that importance?
@the-alien you are one hell of an e-comedian
Haha thank you :)
I find people to be way too soft these days and will get offended at anything or expect it to be how they perceive it.
Everyone has their own way of viewing things in their country and their country also has the holidays as how they always have i.e. things like Christmas which is what I will always call it, in a non-religious way. I refuse to ever say "Happy holidays" and wouldn't care if I outraged someone over it.
As for the aliens, well if they have the means to keep me in breathable atmosphere, they can take me and I will thrive with them! :D
Haha yeah, I agree, way too soft. Now their call it "micro-traumatized" if someone disagrees with them, I always joke that complaining about a micro-trauma is like complaigning about being attacked by a microbe. :)
Thanks for the awesome comment as always!
Hahaha "Micro-traumasia" :P
Awesome replies as always too mate.
Haha thanks man!
Hahah... great stuff. Sometimes we need an alien's outside perspective to make sense of this crazy world. Well done. :)
Thanks Luke! It feels good to write one of these posts every once in a whole :)
This is awsome one of the best I've read so far
Thanks a lot!!
Funny and well-written stuff! :D
I personally think the problem with outrage is that when we are outraged about something "the others" are doing, it strengthens our belonging to the group we have labelled ourselves a member of, and helps strengthen our resentment towards the others. And since we are social creatures this feeling of belonging to a group feel rewarding on a deep level. So outrage spreads through our chosen group like wildfire and makes us band together even more tightly and continues to paint the picture of the other side as more and more evil or unreasonable. This breeds more outrage and you suddenly you see a group of people that is by no means a real minority (like the Christians in your story) start developing persecution complexes.
Outrage is so infectious because it breeds more outrage and blinds reasonable thinking and analysis of "the others" making all kinds of social divides even wider.
You're completely right, it absolutely blinds people who get upset about insignificant things, I think it would help to step out of the situation to see how ridiculous it is.
Thank you for the great comment!
Unfortunately, stepping out is not that easy as outrage is really an emotion and not exactly a conscious thought which makes it even harder to control. It's really worth examining ourselves and our motivations when we get angry at "the others". Sometimes anger is actually due, but sometimes it an overreaction and dehumanization of the other side of a minor and/or insignificant issue.
Thank you to and thank you for the thought-provoking post! :)
This is brilliant! Thanks for the read @the-alien!
Thank you very much Kat!
So very funny and true! What a lovely diatribe about the amazingly silly things people get hooked on. Poor bloody frogs probably won't want to wear pink tutu's any more. Bring on diversity I say and see what evolves. Can I have a Frappucino please? Great post, keep up the good spirits.
Haha yeah, sometimes people get hooked on small and silly things and get all upset about it.. I find humor the best way to deal with this things :) It makes the world more interesting.
As the great Robin Williams used to say: The World is Open for Play.
And I thought satire was dead! Thanks for reminding me and amusing me greatly!
Haha if it's dead we'll just re-animate it :)
hehe you are totally genius in writing blog post :D
Haha thank you so much for the kind words! :)
Lmao tnx for the laugh and giggles
Haha I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
I sertanly did +follow
haah now i know why your username is alien lol
haha I do write these small comedies from time to time :) There's gonna be an entire series in the future :)
I love the way you look at life, and make the most of everything around you, perhaps that is why we can be great friends.
great
Thank you for the nice comment @johnnyray, yeah we could!
awesome post!
Thank you very much!
Hilarious, even though we all know how very serious the subject of coffee is! I have to say , my favourite image brought about by this imaginative piece is that of Moses thumping his sword down through the water and splitting the Starbuck's mermaids tail. Maybe you should try selling them the idea for their next advertising campaign!?
Haha I didn't think of that! Maybe I will try, if I do, I'll think of your advice :)
i wish if im alien from outer space, i wont come to the earth :) haha nice post keep going :) upvoted and follow
Haha not even for a visit? ;)
ohh maybe i will visit you and ill back quick ^^ :)
Haha why not?
You're trippy. Lmao. I like you.
Resteemed
Haha thanks!
And the Lord shone onto the coffee bean and said: "Thou shalt be made into beverages that taste nothing like you should and many flavors shall be added to hide your own" - Beans 13:20 Apocryphal Bible of Robusta. :p
Shits and giggles aside I liked the essay, it reminded me of one of the best monologues ever put on screen:
From Network by the incomparable Paddy Chayefsky and Sydney Lumet.
I think outrage is a fundamental tool for social change but like you point out, it's been co-opted and diverted into meaningless crusades by the media while we ignore the issues that truly matter.
Great read. Cheers!
Yeah this one of the timeless monologues of our era. I myself watch it from time to time. It's really amazing, I wish they can still make stuff like that these days.
Thanks for the kind words!!
The concept of modern day cultural appropriation is ridiculous. Gone are the days of going 'black face' where the likes of Al Jolson would perform in the appearance and style of a black person thus stopping a real black person taking that role. BUT for fucks sake Katy Perry apologised for wearing a Kimono, the Japanese people were not offended only the western left-tards took offence.
Oh yeah, it's nuts. The Japenese people weren't offended, and they had no reason to be. And those who have no business to do with that, pretend they are offended for the Japanese people. Strange times :P
I've heard this described as 'recreational outrage', it's almost a passtime for people, nuts :-)
Oh wow! I didn't hear that one, it gets crazier by the day haha
Very nice article :)
Thank you! :)
There is this Bollywood movie called "PK" in which an alien tries to understand humans. It is an alien's view of the earth.
Oh that's interesting :)
You better work! This post is prime.
Thank you :)
I am so outraged by the fact that you find my outrage to be outrageous that I may collapse in on my self and form a black hole of super-outrage at any moment!!!!! 😲
Ugh yeah its a real pain in the ass but more importantly no one ever seems to look beyond their own butthurt and ask what happens if we assume we have a right NOT to be offended. In that world there is no free speech... ever - now THAT'S something worth finding offensive surely?
To be offended is a choice, not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us - David Bednar
Haha yeah it's a weird new trend! Kevkong was just explaining above that there's this new thing called "Recreational outrage" basically, being offended is like a hobby now :P Oh man!
Ugh humans are damn strange creatures... I'm almost offended 🤤
We live in a world, where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity, I am guessing aliens have never visited us because they have looked upon Earth and decided there's no sign of intelligent life.
Hahaha You just reminded me of a bit Bill Hicks used to perform, about people who believe in aliens and they go to corn fields with welcome signs and shotguns :P
seems reasonable.
by george I think you got it.
Thank you.
are kept in the basket of comedy by others.
What a weird world is made by the creedal,
we all have forgotten that we are sisters and brothers.
Thank you for the nice poetry :)
Nice post good style for share your opinion about the indignity
To be honest, I've always wondered what an alien would find most alarming or strange about humans at first sight. Simply getting accustomed to things like buildings, cars, and public transport would be quite a task, but when an alien sat down in a public place and observed humans interacting and going about their day to day duties, I wonder what the strangest thing about us would be.
My guess - fashion and clothing. It would be easy for an alien to realize that the most basic function of clothing would be to accomodate the climate and environment, but guessing why everyone wears different styles and colors would take a while. Why do some people wear shorts , t-shirts, and sandals on the same day while others are in long black pants and polisehd shoes, with a collared shirt and bow-tie? Perhaps they are of a different class or have different functions in their society? Why do some people sitting at the same table wear denim-jeans and hoodies, while others wear hippie-pants, have their hair tied up, and have a single earring - perhaps they want to express themselves as different types of people? But why then did they make the specific choice to wear those types of clothing - are they aligned with a faction? Did they put on a random permutations of items? Do they wear the same style every day, or do they have a weekly set of outfits? For an alien to try and coneptualize the thousands of cultures, ideologies, social norms, and other factors that have resulted in our very diverse and cosmopolitan society (without the established contexts that we all grow up learning about) would be almost impossible in a few minutes.
It must be pretty strange to sit alone in a swirl of colors and objects, that all have directions unknown to the observer. I wouldn't know where to start.
That's a very interesting question actually! And these are very interesting questions, it plays out like food across various cultures, most people just would repeat making the same dishes they were born around, and stick to whatever cuisine they are familiar with. Very few people take ingedients and try to invent something new everyday.
Maybe the same thing with clothes, it's not a conscious act of invention for most people, rather than stick with their "tribe" clothing.
Btw, you reminded me of this funny video by Joe Rogan :)
Great Words to live by!!!!
Haha thanks!
Upvoted. Check this out please.
https://steemit.com/cryptocurrency/@nixthehammer/free-steem-giveaway-or-register-to-regal-coin
Great post! it was a good read
Thank you!
Congratulations @the-alien!
Your post was mentioned in the hit parade in the following category:
haha
:)
comic part of life lively presented , keep up.
Thank you!
This is really smart, I will follow you for future blogs. I love this intellectual humor. Why didn't I think of this first :S
Btw can I bother you a little bit and ask you to check my latest blog and tell me what you think of it. I'm trying to start a discussion about certain themes and i need smart people to come and comment haha. I hope im not asking too much. Cheers.
wow grate post ....i like this..
i have some post .....you can check
here @letsmakes
That will definitely be an experience to remember over time to time .Seems pretty damn cool especially the name writeen as Aline ;)
It was nice to go through the post buddy :)
Thank you! I'm glad it was cool enough to read :)
And all you need in life is the ability to be offended by everything! Therefore, your voice matters. lol.
Nice post @the-alien
Haha yeah. Thanks man!
noooooooooooo problem
nice
Thanks!
Offence is one of those things better left ignored, not mocked, not enabled, not respected, just ignored.
You are probably right.
Nice post but( Where the fuck is my Jesus) hey! do you suppose to write this?
Yeah of course, it's just a joke and steemit is censorship free :)
Hahaha!!!!!
:)
superb... hilarious...!!!!!!!!