Doing the Unthinkable:
On June 16th, our beautiful baby boy was born. There are no words to truly describe a mothers love. I've heard it said that the closest thing to it, is similar to that of the love of God. If this is what He feels toward me, I get it now. Pete and I were catapulted into parenthood and our lives consisted of exhaustion and poop. Lots of it! Our days ran together, and life was a blur for a while. There were now 3 hearts intertwined together, and nothing was going to get in our way. We quickly grew up. We were set on not allowing the past into the present. If that meant getting rid of certain friends, or things that didn't align with our new lifestyle, we did it. Our son was worth fighting for, and we knew that we would do anything in our power to make sure that nothing happened that we didn't allow. Days turned to weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. That was when I got the message I will never forget...
"Hey Jenny, it's your dad and I found you here on Facebook. I hope you are well and pray we can talk more. xoxo -Dad".
Immediately I freaked out, and my hatred for Facebook began. I didn't know what to do.
Was someone playing a prank on me? Who would do such a thing? Is it really him? The one who made my life hell? The one I hadn't seen since I was a child? What do I do!?
Pete stepped up to the plate, knowing everything there was to know about me, and immediately called the Michigan Police Department. It didn't take long to find out the information we needed and just like that, it was true, my dad was in fact, a free man. He had served his time, was no longer on parole, and had the same rights as any other American citizen, with a few exceptions here and there. It was now up to me whether or not I would allow him into my life or if I wanted a restraining order in effect. Being the person that I am, I decided I would create a brand new email address and Facebook account, and use that solely to talk to him and get a feel for what I was truly comfortable with and able to handle. I didn't know what that looked like, and last I spoke to him was the day he was arrested, 15 years prior! I was now a mature young adult, and mother and I had some questions myself.
I talked to my support system, people at my church, and family members that I trust and they agreed too, to take it slow, see how it goes, lay down some rules and guidelines, healthy boundaries and go from there. It was only email, and I could delete the account if it didn't go well. Ultimately it was my choice. No one was forcing me to talk to the man. I was in control of how often we spoke, and what was deemed okay or not. They stressed their concerns, and advice and ultimately wanted what was best for me. I prayed about it as well, and I didn't feel like the Lord was telling me not to, so I went along with it.
We began emailing back and forth weekly, and it was all small talk. If there was ever a more awkward part of my life story, this one takes the cake. What do you say to someone who hurt you and robbed you of your childhood? "Hey, how was prison?" "Did ya learn your lesson?" No.
We stuck to the whole "Hope your day is well" "How are you's" and "Talk to you later's". There wasn't much to say, and I really had a hard time finding the words anyway. I couldn't ask the hard questions I wanted to. It was all so fresh and surreal.
Once again the days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and another year had gone by.
It was a few months before my sons 2nd birthday, which happened to land on Fathers Day that year, and we were getting ready to plan for his special day. We were driving to take Pete to work listening to Def Leppard on the radio when he turned it off suddenly and said; "Hey babe, uh... I think it's time". Confused and a little upset he'd just thrown off my groove, I responded; "Time for what?" Thinking he meant a second child, marriage, or Lord knows what. My mind raced trying to figure out what it was possibly time for.
"I think it's time for you to see your dad."
Completely sideswiped and taken aback that we were having this conversation, I froze.
"Uh, no!".
My "Mama Bear" mode went off in full force. (Ya know, the one where a mother bear will eat your face off if you so much as look at her cubs funny? Yeah, that!) I was NOT giving him our address! Are you crazy!? We have a child to think about! I had yet to build any real trust and I still had concerns of my own. I hadn't asked the hard questions yet, and although yes, it had been a year in communication via email, I was still very much uncomfortable with the whole idea.
"I really feel like the Lord told me to tell you that it's time to see him, that's all."
Well, I really feel that if God really wants me to do this, don't you think He would've talked to me about it first!?" The answer is No!
That was the end of that conversation. I had far better things to worry about and spend my time and energy on. I was pretty upset that he had ever made such a statement, but no matter how frustrated I was with it, it wouldn't leave the back of my mind. Several months passed and it was getting closer to having the birthday party. I was having my usual daily prayer time, and during so, I heard the words I didn't want to hear, from God. You probably guessed it...
It is time.
I knew I wasn't going to win an argument with the "Man Upstairs", so I decided to entertain the idea.
"Okay God, if this is going to happen, its going to happen like this or not at all..." I began to tell Him the way it would all play out.
(I've learned over the years that when you tell God how it's "going to go down" it must be quite amusing. Similar to a child telling you, the parent, how they are going to do something their way or not at all. As a parent you sit back, smile, and humor your child because in the end, you know whats best for them and it in fact, isn't going to happen the way they think it is, but you love them enough to hear them out, and let them say and do what they need to, before they ultimately end up humbly going about it the way that you had intended them to.)
After much preparation in not only my home, but my heart, leading up to what would come, it was settled. My dad and his fiance were coming to Colorado to celebrate my sons 2nd birthday and Fathers Day. I had complete and total trust in Pete to be the man God called him to be as the head of our home and family, and I knew that he wouldn't put us in harms way. I also surrendered to God, everything that I felt; the good and the bad, and trusted that God was who He says He is. I knew that He wouldn't call me to do things that required faith and trust, if He wasn't going to be there through it with me. I was secure in that, and so I chose to obey.
