My Gender Transition - I'm Not a Butterfly

in #life7 years ago (edited)


A very stereotypical narrative surrounding transgender individuals is this idea that we’re like butterflies coming out of their cocoons and turning into these beautiful creatures, like it’s this natural shift in ourselves that comes easily and without effort, how things were supposed to happen. Just to keep you reading, here’s my pre-transition appearance vs me today. I’ll be including a few collages along the way of this three part story over the next few days that show off my vulnerabilities and a large part of my life, to possibly help you empathize and understand what lengths we must go through to become merely "okay" with ourselves, let alone happy. I'm sure many can relate to that type of struggle.

beforeafter.jpg



Fuck that narrative. I wish I felt this were true, but it isn’t. This is my transition post, it might get a little ugly. Not as ugly as the millions of cis people that want my head on a platter, but quite ugly. Everyone’s transition is different, and I’ll never ridicule someone for having this mentality of their own transition, but for me personally, this couldn’t be further from the truth. My transition is rooted in hard fought struggle, anguish, and at a few points, suicidal tendencies and strong urges to jump out of moving vehicles or off highway overpasses to have my head exploded like a fruit gusher for the world to see. So, they can experience a fraction of the pain I’ve felt struggling to obtain my identity and gain respect for who I am. So, they can try to understand the frustration and begging for mercy that we must do on a daily basis just to get respected like “normal” individuals and tend to our bodily and societal needs.

dys·pho·ri·a
"a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life."



My story does have some parallels to the stereotypical narrative though. As a child, I was corralled by my father into “manly” activities like hunting, “action figures”, motorsports, fixing cars, full contact sports like hockey and Greco roman wrestling, and was shunned for having interest in “girly” activities like playing with Barbie dolls, taking gymnastics classes, and having interest in stereotypically feminine clothing and presentation. My mother had no say in the matter according to her, and he was stern about his beliefs. He didn’t want me to grow up to be some fairy faggot, after all, who would want that for their son? It’s a disgrace to the family and there’s no possibility of his lineage to continue if I didn’t have children, it was important that I learned how to cat call women before the age of 11, that I knew what beer tasted like before I even knew what alcohol was. This was never a problem for me, this was my Dad after all, he must know a lot about the world, he’s lived so much longer than me, owns a home, and does a fantastic job at his profession as an auto mechanic, and has a clearly vested interest in his passions like hunting and fishing. Until I hit about the age of 13, and had to start changing in front of other boys in locker rooms for Gym and Weight training classes.



This is where dysphoria immediately smacked me in the face, like I owed it money. I was extremely uncomfortable getting undressed in front of other boys. I felt judged, I wasn’t developing as quickly as they were, and preconceived notions of masculinity made me dread even walking into the room. I hadn’t started puberty at the same time as them, I was a year younger than some even after being held back a year. My biggest struggle with all of this? It wasn’t my penis size, it was my nipples and my legs. I was so nervous and upset that I wasn’t developing like them, even though I knew more about puberty and body development than most at my age and knew it would come with time. I was confused. So, I never got changed for those classes, not once. I failed every PE and Gym class from that day forward, and still have a massive issue with going to the gym and fitness in general.


Around the age of 15 I started playing with wearing “women’s” clothing, there was a girl that I used to party with, that would lend me her clothes when we were drunk, and that was when I started pondering things. Everyone thought it was just this big joke, and to me at the time it felt like it too, but something was churning inside me, because there’s no reason that joke apparel should make me feel so comfortable and right. This increased over the next few years and I started talking to another transgender woman on the internet at 17, we shared a passion for the same competitive video games and BDSM, and quickly became friends. We would call one another on Skype often and play games together and talk about kink. Combine this with a growing addiction to hentai (Japanese animated pornography) that featured girls with penises, and you had a storm inside my head, and I needed answers.


One night, our discussion turned into why she transitioned, what it’s like, all these questions I had started accumulating over the past year of knowing her. She told me a few things, that she cannot deduce whether I’m Trans or not, and that she cannot be held responsible for what happens to my relationships in my life should I choose to do this. She continued by giving me lots of statistics about how often we’re beaten, raped and murdered, discriminated in workplaces, and many other negative aspects that came with being the authentic you that we’d like to be comfortable living as. I couldn’t help myself, I asked for more information and she told me “I’ll give you all these resources, but I want to make perfectly clear that I cannot tell you to do this or not.” I told her to basically shut up and give me the info. I learned all about hormone replacement therapy and voice modification, the myth behind “passing” as a cis woman and how it’s steeped in misogyny and modern American beauty standards.


I knew that I was interested, and that I wanted to do something about it, but I couldn't. I lived in a hick-town that Malcolm X nicknamed "White City" and I would likely be beaten and harassed for what I was wanting to do to be happy. This much was evident because I already got things like "faggot!" screamed at me just for walking on the sidewalk as a boy. So I submitted to my environment for my own safety. This isn't an uncommon thing for at risk populations to do, blend in so you don't get fucked up, and you can be miserable and continue to live without physical harm and punishment for things you can't control or foresee, and that they can't empathize with or understand. I tried to blend in, I tried my damn best, and like most thing in life you cannot control, I failed trying.

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This post received a 38% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @sykochica! For more information, click here!

@sykochica you're a fucking dork, thank you! <3333

Hehe...I think the proper term (being as semantically anal as I can be) is GEEK!! Rofl...@clevorcreator can back me up on that. :P

As you can clearly see, I am not welcome in this world by some people, like @rodbrumleysr, this is why we fight and bleed for a better future, because people like this think I belong in a circus tent under a tarp.

Brutal story of reality. Your perspective on it helps me to see why so many transgender have such a hard time. Hope the transition has a happy ending.

Guess you'll have to stay turned to the next episode tomorrow morning <3

Bravo!!!. Follow your heart and your beliefs, never look back. Be free ;).

Thank you very much :)

My pleasure ;)

Powerful and beautiful post @tgjamieerin live your life and be yourself. Nothing but love and admiration for putting this up.

Man, just when I was getting used to not seeing trolls on steemit, one appears to invade a well written and heart felt post. Damn!
You have my full support here, jamie.

I like the way you are explaining your story, it is so emotional. Thinking about the feeling of not recognising my body gender blows my mind. I am looking forward to read the next episodes.

Your story will help cis people like me to better understand your feelings, break stereotypes and tell other transgender that they are not alone, that they are not mentally ill and that they can change their body if they want to, although the process is hard and the decision of starting it or not should be determined carefully.

Thank you so much, I don't lie if I mention tears being spilled on my keyboard like I did in my post about my grandmother, I'm a very deep feeling person even though I can step outside and be objective at times when needed. The next one will be up around the same time tomorrow :)

Thank you, you are showing yourself as a true ally, not one with an ulterior motive to gain stock in a marginalized and endangered community. <3

My little brother is transitioning and is having a tough time because she has very male features. You do have underlying feminine features and I think you look great.

My little sister *

Features don't look male or female, we have built in misconceptions of what gender is supposed to look like because of society and media over time mixed with oppression. That being said, I do appreciate the compliment, I try. <3

you little brother prob needs hormone therapy...

How is your younger sibling? Puberty has really terrible effects on a young transgender person, that's when it starts getting difficult.

Thank you so much for bearing yourself in this manner, It is very important for our community to set aside the perceived glitz and tell the real story of transition. I love your narrative ability and how much of yourself you have left in this, it really made me connect, you are not alone sweetie please feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk too. Have an amazing day!

Thank you so much for the wonderful reply and for understanding exactly where I'm coming from with my perspective, I followed you last night and am enjoying your content! Likewise, have a great day, if you use Discord feel free to add me at JamieErin#8224 ^_^

Powerful and personal post, thanks for sharing.

Thank you :) I have the second part written already and when trying to write the third last night I almost fell asleep in my computer chair from being so emotionally drained lol

I can imagine. I hope you got some sleep afterwards! Followed and looking forward to reading the next part. :)

You have my best wishes and support. People who say hurtful things do so because they have a problem with their own self-esteem ,pardon the pun. They want to feel better at your expense, so try not to let it get to you too much.

benefits

hey, I think it's cool that you are following your heart to be who you are. Gender is just gender..transgender are still people. I am straight but I respect life and everyone in it...with that being said...you may want to check out this person on youtube... 'MAYA' SHE'S GORGEOUS!

what beautiful truths you share..may blessings surround you on all sides...

You sure about that? You sure do love to talk about trans women fingering and fisting themselves, it's probably your favorite kind of porn.

While I respect your right to have an opinion, you are going to become the very vocal minority, and you will end up biting your tongue. See how you're the lone person making derogatory comments? Most people like you have learned to keep their hate silenced and organized, the intelligent move when you hold the unpopular and abusive opinion. have a penny, it's all you'll get from me.

Yes you do flaunt it, you're doing it right now, you're on my post, on my page. You also reap the rewards of being a straight white cis man every day in your day to day life, just for the record. I'll be muting you now, have a nice day.

Being a "white cis man" doesn't help in all situations though. We're certainly not all inherently better off than those of another race, sex or social gender. I don't say that to neglect your struggle, but only because we don't wanna fall into a trap of using adjusted racism and sexism to achieve good political or social goals.

When does it hurt you? In order for racism to exist, it must be backed by systemic oppression. White men do not have this. White men enforce this. Can you be prejudice against white people? Sure. Not racist though. I feel like "adjusted racism" is just a play on "reverse racism" that the ignorant population of butthurt white people like to use. Thank you for having a civil discussion with me and not slinging shit in my face.

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/dear-white-people-please-stop-pretending-reverse-racism-is-real

That's unfortunately a confused understanding of racism and sexism, that seems to be spreading especially across the United States at the moment and which is in of itself actually both of those things.

Neither is first and foremost a political ideology. They don't need to be "backed" by anything except ideological conviction to exist. If actually expressed in the form of physical violence, it doesn't need to be "systematic" to create a victim.

Thus any person can be a victim of racism or sexism. Even white men.

"Reverse" or "inverted" rasism, if we were to analyze it logically, wouldn't be racism of course. But by "adjusted" in this context I mean simply the same old racism, but against an ethnic group that didn't historically experience racism to the same extent that other groups did.

I'm personally white and I've been a victim of racism many times. I'm not by any means a racist. In fact I've been fighting racism against other ethnic groups since I was a child. I hope you can understand and empathize with this. "White men" are not the enemy.

You're just attempting to hide behind the "I don't care as long as I don't have to see it". That's not your actual position, as we've seen in other comments.

I'm also a white straight guy, for your record. You're really just exhasterbating all the issues with racism and gender discrimination that white straight especially male are starting to see now. It's not a joke, but you make it look like one.

If you're using the older definition of freak and not making an ethical/aesthetical judgement based on what is normal, that's fine with me. But right now you more than anyone here is the outlier.

Yes we're talking about a miniority. It's a "freak" number of people, since you like to use that word. Do you think there's moral superiority in being part of the majority? (Just a quick reminder before you answer: Due to your overly quick tempered and hostile behaviour, you're not part of it here)

I get turned off by trans and homosexual behaviour. It (not the people, but the sexual, the organs, or the mix between feminine and masculine looks) disgusts me if I force myself to judge it aestheticaly. So what? I don't harass anyone over a difference in sexual preferences. Being homosexual, trans, etc is not by itself unethical or harmful in any way to any one.

"Flaunting it" could be your attempt at expressing many different things. Is someone "flaunting" in your opinion, just because they're public about it?

Then I say human beings aught to flaunt it more. Not scorn or try to provoke a bitter respones, but be open about who they are. There's nothing worse than willful dishonesty to one self and cowarding to the truth, no matter where or with whom it might be.

This is rather un-called for in my opinion. This is her blog, to write whatever she pleases. YOU are the one who chose to click on this and make such a rude comment, claiming that it's somehow being pushed in your face.

Please, quit trying to play the victim.

If it truly offends you that much..just don't read it! There are ways to disagree on things like this, but simply being insulting is not constructive or adding value in any way. In the future I may flag things like this.

Very well...flagging for abuse.

"Downvoting" ;) But yeah, this guy seems to really be a lost cause.

And with this comment you deserve to have your account blasted into oblivion.

Sincerely.

@rodbrumleysr, what do you have against this human being? In what way he/she is impacting your life to be sooooo mad about him/her? If it bugs you that much that a person you DON'T know, not your family or any way, shape or form connected to you is doing what they are doing, then probably you have a problem... just saying.
Keep calm and chillax, man!

Trolls...Goddamned trolls! They should go back to facebook where they belong.

"Hey, you, you're doing something that makes me uncomfortable. I don't have a single scrap of logic for why you should hide this process that, by it's nature, dictates that you must do it in plain site, but do it anyway because it triggers me, you damn snowflake. MAGA." rodbrumleysr, 2k17, the new standard for the right wing

I'm not a Trump voter_or_ a conservative (different things) but it deserves to be said- incase something else was meant to be implied by your comment - that those are not necessarily groups with a xenophobic or fascist agenda.

There's too much hysteria from both the left and right on social media these days. Let's not bring it here as well.

Since you capitalized patriot, I'm assuming you mean you're part of the football team? So you're not some fat unfulfilled neckbeard talking shit to the same people he or she faps to?

And you made it home without getting fragged. That's pretty good, I'd say.

If only they taught you a useful skill, such as how to capitalize or use punctuation. Sigh. Ever touch another soldiers wiener?

Are you also a fundamentalst so called christian, or perhaps a white supremist?
Using the "patriot" card tends to denote a homophobic fundamentalist or dominionist in my experience. Another interesting that I have discovered over the years is that some of the most homophobic or transphobic people that I've seen are actually deep in their own closet and simply cannot come to terms with the fact that that's the way God made them.

Does the Freak Show encroach upon your territory? Hurr durr dey tokk are jobz!

Sick of the Freak show

It's fine to be critical, but you might wanna introduce an argument at some point. You look like quite the show to me.

Saying you dislike something is not an argument.

I think there's more here than someone flaunting it though and even if they are, don't you think there are more important things you could be saying?

So you know how to make a joke. A bad one, but still.