Friends

We need five close friends, 15 good ones, and 150 in our outer circle
Levine specialises in the science of friendship, so I asked her why making friends as a grown-up can feel so daunting. ‘It’s because the “rules” of friendship are so vague,’ she told me. ‘It’s easy making friends when we’re children. Five-year-olds can just say, “Do you like swings? I like swings! Let’s be friends!” For adults, it’s trickier.’

But friendships are important for our health and well-being. ‘Having close friends has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety, decrease your risk of depression, promote a sense of belonging and lower the heart rate, as well as reducing cholesterol and decreasing blood pressure,’ says Levine. ‘But what many people don’t realise, is that contrary to the myths perpetuated by films and TV shows (hello, Friends), most friendships – even
good ones – don’t last forever.’

Oxford University psychologist Robin Dunbar found that we all need a set number of friends – five close friends, 15 good ones, and up to a 150 in our outer circle. ‘Each of these layers corresponds to a particular level of emotional closeness and to the frequency of contact: the limits on the
layers are at least once a week, once a month, about once a year,’ says Dunbar.

‘This may be because creating bonds of
a given emotional intensity requires the investment of a specific amount of time. Drop below that, and the person slips quickly into another layer in terms of emotional closeness.’ And while we may think we can keep up with loved ones online, Skype and SMS can’t replicate the benefits of meeting up in person.

But with more of us forced to relocate
for work, as well as changes in circumstance or life stage, many of us are missing out on time with friends. And making new ones can be tough. ‘I’ve been surprised by how hard I’m finding it,’ says Kim, a mother of two. ‘I’ve been trying to start conversations with the mums at my daughter’s preschool, but it’s clear that they aren’t interested
in “new friends”. It makes me feel like
I’m at school again.’ Christina, who
recently moved out of London, agrees.
‘I had a lot of failed attempts at chatting to new people, as well as panicking and swapping phone numbers with random women I never called because I was too chicken. I found the whole experience exhausting,’ she says.

Dr Steven Howell, psychology professor at Keystone College, Pennsylvania, studied the science of establishing new friendships, and concluded that a night out is the best place to start. Exchanging confidences and taking risks together is apparently essential and a ‘bonding analysis’ study found that
a drinking session is an excellent way to facilitate these. Researchers found that those who drank together and tackled a crisis together, even something small like how to get home at the end of the night, were more likely to become close than people who didn’t drink or share dramas.

Great things happen when you say ‘yes, and…’
Ever a slave to science, I set out to road- test Dr Howell’s theory. But because I’m
a) British and b) a wuss, I wanted an extra confidence boost first. An idle scroll through my Twitter feed led me to Charna Halpern, an improvisation comedy expert who runs iO Improv theatre in Chicago, where alumni include Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Halpern agreed to give me a crash course in a theory of improvisation to help me on my quest to turn strangers into friends.

‘“Yes, and…” is really the philosophy of improv,’ Halpern explained. ‘The basic idea is about saying “yes” to each other; truly listening, staying in the moment and then offering something more to progress the conversation – which means it also works with making friends.

‘Being supportive is key,’ she added, ‘so you make the people around you more confident and get everyone’s best side by treating them with respect. Tina [Fey] and Amy [Poehler] were naturals from the start and they’ve used the technique in other areas.’

So can a typically-shy-in-new-social- situations layperson master the art of ‘yes, and…’? ‘Absolutely, everyone can,’ Halpern assured me. ‘And everyone should. Great things happen when you say “yes, and…” If you’re shy, it helps you focus on the other person. If you’re naturally confident, it improves empathy – and someone who empathises makes a good friend.’