what is it like to have depression?

you want to know what its like inside the mind of a person with depression? A person suffering?

Its thinking over and over about fucked up you are. your worthless, you dont do any good, you will never be able to keep a job, your messed up in the head, you will never be succesful.
where is the rational you? is she gone? can i talk to her?

meanwhile you cant stop the screaming in your head. all the thoughts that keep pushing against your skull about to break through at any minute. just end it. just make everything go away. make the pain stop.
that sounds better, to make it stop. no more pain, no more suffering. the emptiness,
the emptiness you feel where you are supposed to love your daughter. i cant live with it. i cant live with that pain... i want it to end.

i can go in the tub, cut untill i cant cut any more. or just 2 cuts and wait. watch the water turn red.

but my mom will be home at 3. i dont want her to have to see that...

pills, i have plenty of pills. i could take a bunch. it would be peacful. but my mom, shes done so much for me.

a ringing comes across my brain, m husbands voice a few moments before he left

fine, have it your way. Keep siting there in silence. ignoring me.
he is grabbing the few things he has left in the room.
have a nice life
he walks out and the door slams

the screaming in my head
it hurts. the screaming hurts

WHY AM I LIKE THIS
WHY AM I LIKE THIS I WANT TO TELL YOU TO STAY
PLEASE DONT LEAVE
I CANNOT OPEN MY MOUTH

tears ferociously pour out
breathing is hard, impossible

i throw myself off the bed and try to throw up, nothing comes out.
i keep gagging trying to breath. i cant.

i snap back to calm.
i cant live with this pain.
maybe my mother will understand
maybe my daughter will forgive me.

i dont want to fight it.
the pills look better.