So, you've just sat down to your new PC, and you want to create an internet dominance like no-one has ever seen before. An empire of sorts. Well, look no further, you're talking to a guy that's done it all before, been there and worn the t-shirt. The first thing you'll need is an email account. When naming an email account try going by something that your friends and work colleagues will recognise you by, something like, 'bigdick666@gmail.com' make sure you tell your network of contacts your new email address, they're sure to find it funny.

Facebook win!

The first point of call would be Facebook, because even your nan hangs there. Put in your email address, mobile phone number, address, schools you went to, dog name, toothbrush you use, everything that can identify you as a registered national; identity thieves don't use Facebook nowadays, as they have far more interesting things to do with their time. What's an identity thieve anyway? Pah! Something those boring tech junkies drone on about, you've always found watching Kim Kardashian far funnier anyway. Didn't she break the internet once? Boring tech nuts.

Make sure you add everyone that you've ever known in your entire life. You are a fantastic person and it's not as if people are silently jealous of you or want to kick you when you're down. Spying is for people that have done wrong in their life, you are perfect. All of them will be SO interested in your blog when you get started too, they'll just be dyeing to hear every small minutiae of you, but more on that later.

"I feel like you don't respect me anymore..." FTW!

Facebook is a really great way of releasing bad emotions, particularly when you're stressed. Nothing says I'm a bit low right now than a half-assed, passive-aggressive statement that's so general it can be about anyone. Your friends will be SO worried they'll flock to your aid and sympathy on tap for when you need it. After all, sharing is caring (about yourself).

Occasionally you may come across someone that has a different opinion from you, but make sure you don't tolerate that. Different opinions are not for your newsfeed. Shout them down in a fiery-red frothy-mouthed fit of rage expressing how wrong they are and can they please change to what you think. People should think how you do, because, well, your thinking is spot on and perfect. The bad areas of the internet are for those that feel differently. The more black and white you can make Facebook and your bubble the better.

Dick pics only

You'll notice that Facebook has a messenger option so that you can talk to your friends on a more personal basis. This is mostly for sending pictures of your cock to unsuspecting ladies. They love that. They talk about it all the time. There are even websites dedicated to cock pictures, so the more that you can send them the better they'll love you for it.

After you've mastered the 'not listening to what the experts say on security' added EVERYONE, even the shopkeeper you see once a week, aced the passive aggressive general statements, lorded it over people with different opinions yourself, and sent more cock pictures than I've had hot dinners then you can settle yourself in as a general Internet user, you're getting the hang of it now, man!

Real pictures are for losers

If you're like me and resemble a hairy-backed gorilla that's bending over and shitting, then it's probably not a good idea to put your normal picture up. Try putting up lots of your dog or animals that you've snapped, that way no-one will suspect that you smacked every branch of the ugly tree on the fall down. Better yet, use so many filters that make you look 20 years younger, just avoid meeting up with anyone, Facebook is only to boost your self-esteem anyway.

You'll notice that your kids may be interested in what you're doing on Facebook at some point. It can sometimes be annoying having that little extension of yourself asking you stupid questions like, "What's for dinner? We should have had it an hour ago, get off that phone." To alleviate the pressure just set them up with their own account. After all, you're only young once, right? I'm sure all their friends are on there being super well behaved like kids usually are these days. Ah, peace at last.

Make sure you shove your Political and Religious opinion down everyone’s throat at least once an hour, that way they may change their mind. Other people have shitty ideas in their head and it's up to you to change them of course. They won't care if your poorly-researched meme is untrue, it's the message that counts, right?

Blogging rules!

If you're feeling REALLY lucky then it's probably about time to start a blog and tell everyone what you had for dinner. Everyone will be so interested to hear about the time you were talking with Jenny, who said to Pete, that heard it from Paul they'll be flocking to your website in no time. The more you make it about your life and not in context, the better and more interesting it will be. After all, people only come to learn about the amazing star that is you, right? People will come in their droves, but for added marketing leet skills make sure you fill up your Facebook feed with that one post you love. Your friends will REALLY appreciate it. If those uninterested bastards don't then branch into groups and paste your post 300 times there too. They'll love you so much you'll probably get admin rights.

After you've mastered all of that, relax. You've earned it. Celebrate by telling everyone how amazing you are.

Thanks for reading :)