Discussing support in relationships

In my mind a relationship is grown on how we support each other. Both my wife and I have been through some truly horrible and dangerous times but we have been there for each other in a way that's supportive. In fact, the most popular pieces on The Relationship Blogger is where I talk about the hardships that my wife and I experienced and how we overcame them. Postnatal Depression, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Depression, Anxiety; you name it we've most probably been through it at some point in our lives.

Support was a new thing to me from people not in my family. My Auntie and Uncle would take me to caravan holidays in Dunkeld, Scotland, to get away from the stress and anxiety in my mind. They own a caravan up that way so our trips were regular and fun, and it was a great way to just think about something else for a change. Yet getting support from a friend or colleague was an entirely new concept to me. I had been used to basic survival; thinking that I was always on my own.

The first wave of support was when I started with career change. I can remember the excitement and bustle of the managers around me when they were faced with a man that was entirely open to suggestion and wanted to better his life in any way that he could; I could taste the change. It was new to me because I had never met anyone that wanted to help me, or had the tools to 'actually' help me. Most people I had associated with in the past were happy going on as they were with no intention of making any life changes. So, when I entered my new voluntary position people were excited and hopeful.

I've learned that feeling. In the moment, I could never understand what excited them? Why me? I'm just a regular guy that wanted to improve my life. I couldn't see what they saw; I just didn't understand it. It turned out looking back that I was such a massive underachiever. There were raw talents to me that I just wasn't using, abilities that I had that could be honed and moulded that they could see and use. They seen the awesome in me that I couldn't see. They wanted to rip it out of me and let it shine.

It's why now that I've walked the walk and learned to look past the surface, learned to look beyond the said and read the unsaid. It's why I judge people on their whole and not just what I see on the surface. I've met a few people in my life like the person I was once, and I was literally beside myself with excitement. I've learned the feeling inside when you know that you can help in some way or fashion, even if only a little. It's why I do the job that I do. It's not for recognition from others, it stems from a deep burning inside to make the world, people, a better place.

Natalie had to do a lot of the support at the beginning of our relationship. There was a time when I experienced anxiety so bad that I had to be put on 15mg of Diazepam. I had literally stopped eating or responding to anyone or anything in a natural way. Needless to say, she got the doctors out pronto and had me medicated within the hour. It was an exceptional experience from then because it was the first time that I learned that a partner supports too.

That's how I learned to be her rock for when miscarriage hit her. I wouldn't wish miscarriage on my worst enemy. Looking into my partner’s empty eyes, as if a part of her had been lost; the bright light that was once a burning volcano had been made extinct in a flash. Her empty eyes told me more about the situation than her sobs for her loss. That's why I was her rock. I pampered to her every need; anything that she wanted I would try and get for her. Anything that was somewhat out of my way was no problem. I remember having to go to the shop three times in a row for her in the space of an hour and I didn't think anything of it. Hugs on tap and comfort on tap.

Natalie also experienced post-natal depression and I'll admit that, even now it's something I am not very well equipped to help with. Being a man I have no idea the furious hormones that were working against her wellbeing in her body. That's why when she started to reject our child, me and everything around her I had to get her on the phone to talk to someone that knew what they were talking about. I've learned that help isn't all about what I can give out personally, but more so getting the right people to her at the right time. It's mature, it's sensible. Beforehand I had rated support in how many hugs that I gave, and that does nothing, especially if the receiver doesn't want any hugs.

I adopted a very positive mindset from there; realising that a relationship was about supporting each other to meet our goals. Previously I was stuck in a very negative frame of mind. I had nothing but bad things to say about people and I liked pointing out their insecurities. I can remember visiting my Psychiatrist and saying something negative about Natalie and him stopping me in my tracks. He said,

"Raymond, a relationship is all about how you support one another. You let the good parts shine and act as a crutch for the bad parts. Highlighting negatives is not positive at all"

I'll always remember what he said on that day, because he was right. He was right in the sense that we are a unit in a relationship; we help one another, we strive to help each other meet our goals, and we support our failings. It seems rather weak to point out our partner’s weaknesses to other people. What sort of partner are we being to them if that was the case?

Learning to support one another solidified our relationship in cast iron. It made me realise that no matter what happens Natalie will always be in my corner rooting for my side, even if she's terribly angry at me for something. And the same thing for me. I will always root for her.