A new hope

Amidst the sterilized tools set on a tray, the heart monitor, and the group of doctors and nurses in scrubs, masks and gloves, the low-pitched sound was getting louder and louder... Oh! Mama, I know you tried. And I know things didn’t turn out the way you had planned. The mama was glowing in eager expectation of the baby she thought may be her son.

Something happened during labour: The pain was too intense. I was fatigued and didn’t have the strength to continue. The doctors told me it was beyond my control. I gave birth, but there were no cries from a newborn. I got to hold her, but she did not move. My baby’s heart rate was failing. That ever so familiar sound of “swish swish” was no longer there. It was heartbreaking. It was absolutely the worst thing to hold your beautiful, lifeless baby in your arms. There really are no words. I’ll never forget his little face and seeing a tiny trickle of blood come from his nose. I’ll never forget his little hands and tiny feet. But it is a blessing to know what he looked like and to have been able to hold him. Instead of planning on bringing the baby home, you plan a funeral. It is not only loss of the child but also loss of the dreams of that child. When you lose a baby there is no road map or manual to guide you through the aftermath. When expecting a baby you plan many things. You pick out a crib and a theme for the nursery; you decide if you are going to breast feed or try cloth diapers, you fuss over choosing a monitor and a stroller and maybe even worry if he will get in to the day care of your choice when the time comes. Most of us, when we find out we are pregnant, start planning. We pick names, we plan the birth, we plan the room, we plan how it will be with an infant, toddler, starting kindergarten, losing the first tooth, field trips, ball games, reading stories at night, cheerleading, homecoming, high school, mother daughter dates, mother son dates, prom, graduation, college, weddings….We picture these things and then our baby dies and those dreams die too. In no circumstance, in a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, do you plan for a death. One moment you think you will come home with a wonderful baby and have all your hopes and dreams, and the next, everything you ever imagined your life would be is torn from you, and you are never the same. That’s your story, and you’re sticking to it. But deep down inside you wonder if it’s true. You wonder if there was something else you could have done. I suddenly felt a cap on my shoulders “Did you see the sunrise?” my sister said. Wakeup, stop dreaming, he shouted. This morning was no different. The sun streamed in the window. I opened one bleary eye to face the world....and then shut it again. Talking a long breath I was just like Ahh! Thank lord that it was just a dream.

......of course the sun is rising

Really?
I couldn’t help it.I felt a little small.

Of course the sun rising and setting
Of course the flowers are starting to bloom.
Of course the grass is growing.
Of course the clouds are rolling past in the sky.
Of course the wind is blowing the branches in the trees.
....and my only thought is....of course.

The daylight, the warmth in my room and the cold water in the mornings, they were all my enemies, which over and over again all forced me to come back to the hardship of the reality, to the world I had no interest in; neither did it have any interest in a tiny being like me. They all took me back to the stress, the busy people who really had nothing to do, except being busy.