A colourful Igbo bride. Source
I'm an African and in most African communities, marriage is sacred and upheld with much respect. For a typical African, marriage is not what you go into today, then jump out of it the next week. We Africans do a lot of thinking and planning before getting married.
According to our African tradition, I am "ripe for marriage". For the past few months, I've been having several suitors, but I'm terribly scared of getting married. It's not that I do not desire to get married. Far from it. As a matter of fact, I've been waiting for these suitors to start coming. But why am I now scared of what I want?
My fears are deep-rooted in the fact that I subjected myself to an abusive relationship for a long period. I allowed the "teenagers emotional stupidity" to tie me to someone who is very abusive. He always sees something wrong in everything I do. He has a way of trying to make me feel bad about myself. I believe he never loved me, yet he wouldn't let me be. I tried breaking up with him, but he'll always promise to change for good which he never did. Fortunately, when I got older, I left him and moved on with my life. The life that isn't the same anymore.
My emotions had been shattered. The fear of the opposite sex has been planted in my mind and right now, it's very difficult to pull it off. After my last abusive relationship, I withdrew from dating anyone. I keep male friends, but I don't get emotionally attached to anyone. In recent times, I'm beginning to desire being a wife. I want to start having my own kids. I want to get married, yet I'm terribly scared of trusting and loving again.
An Igbo bride presenting wine to her husband. Source.
In Igboland, south-eastern Nigeria where I come from, when you reach a certain age, everyone starts pressurizing you to get married. I have more than three suitors, but my heart is so troubled and scared of accepting anyone. Funny enough, the one who caused this trouble by his abusive lifestyle is also begging to marry me. He said he has changed for good (though I'm not considering accepting him). I do not know what to do now. I hope I won't make marrital mistake as divorce is not a welcomed development in my part of the world.
I'll be glad to receive advice from you in the comment below.
Thanks for Reading
@elyaque made this beautiful badge for me.
@ogoowinner pls avoid the abuser!!! once an abuser is always an abuser. Be careful not to rush into marriage because if you make a mistake , it will affect you for a long time. Have trust, your best man and soul mate will certainly come.
Are you on steem chat? connect with me there for more advise. More success to you, Upvoted
Thanks. I'm on steemit chat.
Great, connected
I'm waiting for you there.
Sorry, I fainted in my bed...sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
No you wouldn't make a marital mistake i can assure you of that and it all start with that believe. You have to believe you won't make a mistake this time. Don't let your bad experience of men influence your general feeling about men badly that you become scared and make a mistake. If you believe in God, this is the right time to seek his face toward choosing a life partner, though i am not a too religious person but i have to give you this advice since you are not sure of which way to go.
Take your time and don't get influence by people commenting and expecting you to get married when they are still struggling with the one they got into.
7 Mistake to Avoid before Marriage yoube video by Pastor E.A Adeboye . Check it out
This is an awesome feedback. @bania, I believe in God. I'll ask for his guidance. Thanks so much for this.
Welcome your excellency
Marriage is a choice, life can be fair with proper choices rooted in what gives the individual joy and fulfillment in life, marriage as well is a unique experience full of sacrifices, @ogoowinner I known you for courage, sincerity, openness and social, being careful is a good virtue, take your time and cling to the love of your life which is around the corner waiting for your recognition and approval. we wish you all the best.
Thanks bro. You're my inspiration.
I love you.
Pick a suitor that makes you happy. Definitely, don't go with the abuser. That's a NO GO. I'd hate to have to travel to Nigeria, so we can have a sit-down, lol. Seriously though, make a list of the qualities that you want in a husband. Shoot, even make a list of questions to ask them. This is a huge decision and do what you have to do to pick the right husband.
Thanks so much for this @lexikon082. Of course, you'll come to Nigeria for good.
Are you dating? Are you out there looking for guys? Or just waiting to see what life drops in your lap?
Deep questions @neoxian. I'm not dating, but will consider it. Thanks for reading my post and sharing your thoughts.
I really appreciate your feedback here.
I'm glad to have read this your post. My piece of advise may not be the best, but it will be good if you pay heed to at least a part of it. From experience, as one who have been married for almost 10 yrs now, marriage is not something that should be hurried into. So the first thing will be - take time to chose your partner prayerfully and watchfully. Please, don't take too much time, because those suitors you see today may not wait for you if you decide to take time longer than they would wait. Try to strike a balance regarding waiting time and come to a consensus. Secondly, NEVER MARRY AN ABUSER!!! If you do, you might not be alive to tell your story. My immediate elder sister (Late Mrs. Anthonia Ekeleoseye Tobi, nee Aburime) lived in a very abusive marriage and paid with her life at a very young age of 35 leaving 5 children behind. That ugly incident happened in 2010 (7 years ago). I encouraged her , first child, @tobimarian to join steeemit, although she has not blogged for a day. The kind of advise I would give you, because of personal experience in my 9 year old marriage might not suit you, because the way you view marriage in the South-East is different from the way we view marriage in the South-South where my parents hail from. There are a lot of things that I have ''bottled up'' in marriage, though I've shared with some of my family members. These challenges largely stem from cultural differences. You might want to pay attention to that . In Nigeria, it's tough to marry a man from another cultural background. The next bomb I want to release would be thought of by all as prejudice, but sorry I would not advise you to marry any man who does not have the same social standing. In my opinion, it's better for you to marry a man with a higher social status or at least the same rather than marry a man with a lower social status. Hmm...the day I will start to write my story about the Igbo man I married, steemit will ''scatter''. That is why I am treading carefully. I'm not afraid of what the public will say, because I don't owe them anything. God will give me the wisdom to share my experience, so that others will learn a lesson or two from it. I wish I could talk you on phone. I always prefer talking to chatting /writing. This is the much I can write for now. Cheers.
"The next bomb I want to release would be thought of by all as prejudice, but sorry I would not advise you to marry any man who does not have the same social standing. In my opinion, it's better for you to marry a man with a higher social status or at least the same rather than marry a man with a lower social status."
I sincerely agree with you and I do not think of your opinion as prejudice. Even in the South-West, where I hail from, failure to do this has resulted in the destruction of some marriages. It becomes very painful mostly when there are children in the marriage due to the fact that the children who are usually watching all the story take place always end up being traumatized. Everyone goes around with clothes on, if only we could look into one another's lives, we'll definitely learn a lot of lessons.
@maryfavour, thanks for this contribution here. I'm sorry to hear about the ordeals of your late sister. I'll link you up on steemit chat so we can talk more.
A very festive party of friends. I think you are the one who married. What are you afraid to marry? But more fun we are pairing, I suggest a friend if anyone applying to accept it.
Don't fall for the pressure
Thanks. I won't.
I went through that. Now I'm 33 and still unmarried...and LOVING IT! lol...
Do you, honey. ;-)
Hey, I sight you @udochiokeke! meeting with great friends here.
Lol! Udo di nwane. Thanks for reading this post @udochiokeke.
It's a big decision, something that will change your life. Take the time to do what you feel in your heart is right. Even then, it will be a leap of faith. Best wishes to you.
Thanks very much for this feedback @donkeypong. It's a very big leap of faith.
I could relate well to this because am also from the eastern part of Nigeria where marriage is over hyped. All I can see here is a brave woman in you @ogoowinner and I know you still have a heart to love and a beautiful soul. You just have to let things flow naturally, get a paper and pen and get details of what you want and wouldn't want in a marriage,then give relationship a best shut. As for the man who abused you, I guess he didn't see the real woman in you and don't let him deceive you with the "I am a changed man" lines because he will never change. I guess you have heard of Domestic Violence, this is how it starts,in a relationship a man abuses you and come back to tell you he is changed,my dear what is there is already there, he isn't. In summary I would want you to drop the fear and start a relationship, that is the only way you could know the right man for you. Above all pray and tell God about all your worries and fears. Until then, remain beautiful and never let anyone look down on your worth. Lots of love.
Thanks hon. I'm inspired by this. I'm glad you read this post @gloglo.
you wrote you heart and mind out i liked that .
Thank you @blazing.
I'm glad you got away from your destructive relationship. Unfortunately, that is all too common a pattern with young, aggressive, sociopathic males.
Us gentlemen have similar concerns in the US. Ned of Steemit is a great (terrible =/) example.
If a woman divorces us in the US, and she doesn't need any sort of reason, she can get half of everything we own and half (or more) of all our future earnings. Ned's wife took him for alimony of more than half his after tax salary. The government literally turns the men here into slaves to support the (newly) single women and mothers, implying that they are helpless and removing them of all agency in a completely non-egalitarian-acceptable manner.
I hope this works out for you! Think LONG AND HARD before you do it, because once you do, your life is probably going to be tied to that course for some time.
Thanks for your contribution here @lexiconical. On the contrary, the reverse is the case here in igboland. When a man divorce his wife, she goes with nothing. As a matter of fact, she even pays him, because the bride price which he paid will be refunded.
Wow, ok, so it sounds like you guys have the same problem, just with the genders reversed.
Divorce is unacceptable in Christianity, unless it is as a result of u faithfulness. In Igboland, we loath divorce as it does not show that one is responsible.
Now considering all these factors, it is an important decision you make with clear mind, i nu go.
Someone, who has shown unrepentant attitude cannot repent now. Forget about that old friend.
I hope you understand spiritual issues. Those who ignore it walk in the flesh and encounter issues for disconnecting from their source. Take it to God in prayer. Or base your decision on physical appearance, and face the outcome.
@ebohio2008, I'm not considering him. I do not want a divorce too. I hope I will not make the wrong choice. Thanks for your comment here bro.
Dear @ogoowinner, thanks a lot for sharing your story with us! I wrote you in the steem.chat :) We can discuss and I think I can help you or at least motivate you to listen to your own needs :) Have a wonderful day!!
@danista, thank you for reading and showing concern. I'll connect with you on steemit chat later.
Just calm down, getting married for experimental purposes and getting a divorce afterwards is seriously frowned at in the "land of the rising sun". Everything will turn out well eventually. The Universe will definitely present a solution to your problems.
Lol! Ino there nwanne. I pray so. Thanks for reading this @Illuminatus.
I'm not Igbo o, Obim. You're welcome anyway.
No bro you are great. I like your blog @ogoowinner
stop spamming people posts bog...did you read the post????
very good
I am a guy and I too have similar issues :P lol..
Don't really worry, things will clear up by themselves as they always do. Just be nice grab onto the next guy who your heart tells is right.
P.S.- Don't be listening to your ears!