I relate to your experience and have felt an undercurrent of this my whole life as well and my heart goes out to you. This feels so terrible to be in, I know it too well although it's my own version of course. For me, I've had to see that my life is MINE, not anyone else's and that my fear has been my jailer. Yes this world has a lot of shitty systems and people, but how I feel each day is up to me. It's been a process of daring to be more myself and to take the risks of not holding back. The consequences of other's reactions to my showing who I am is a lot less difficult than the pain of holding back and feeling worthless and trapped so I've been owning my own life just a tiny bit more each moment and it helps. I still struggle a lot but it's better and being truly present in my creative work seems to be the cure-all for this because it fills me with my soul and reminds me that I have a purpose even if it doesn't seem to be something society values a whole lot (thus the deep dark financial struggle). Anyway, thanks for sharing and for allowing me to share here too. love and care to you, I hope your path gets easier soon!