Open the Door

The doors are always closed at my house.  Bedroom doors, bathroom doors, door to the front porch, and the door to the basement.  All closed.  There is a good reason for this, cats, but the door to me is closed too.

I am not approachable.  My door is closed.  I want to be alone, I want to hide what I’m doing with my blog, or in the kitchen or when I’m making a grocery list.  I don’t want the negative comments that will come out of it.  I don’t want the sassyness.  I don’t want any dislike that I imagine would be voiced.  But that may not really be it, I just don’t want to be exposed.  I don’t want any comment lest someone hear and think I’m silly.  Part of it could be selfishness and stress.  I ‘m sure it is.  And part of it is that I am not perfect, so I feel I need to hide that from my kids.

It is hard for me to really figure out why I am a closed door.  I suppose it started in my childhood.  Then as a teen we switched schools and I remember clearly putting a wall up.  Closing the door.  I didn’t need anyone because switching schools meant that I didn’t have anyone.  I found friends, we had some great times, but the door was still closed.  If those friends ever let me down (and they didn’t) I would still be OK.

I’ve brought that into my marriage and into my relationship with my children.  I don’t want the people that I love most to know who I really am.  They will hate me, they will be mad at me, they will reject me.  I am not sure why I feel this way.  It seems so absurd yet it is there all the time.  Not always at the forefront, but there always.

Lately my door has been inching open to my husband.  He has shown me love like I have never known in my life.  And my door is ajar to him now.  Not fully open, but it’s beginning.  Funny, because like a lot of women I have always wanted to know my husband more.  I want him to open up to me, tell me his deepest thoughts and ideas especially on living a Christian life and what that means to him.  But it’s me who has the door slammed shut in his face.  I have never opened up to him, how silly it is for me to want him to open up to me.

I remember years ago when we used to attend a couples Sunday school class.  We were to read over the book together.  I wanted this, badly.  I knew that I would learn so much more about my husbands ideas through the books discussion questions.  Yet I was the one who could not open up and answer the questions.  ”I don’t know.”  I mumbled one too many times and then that chapter in our lives was over.  Since then I have asked him to read marriage books and Christian books – no wonder he doesn’t want to.  (Now we are reading one together – awesome man that he is.)

My door is shut to my children as well.  Why?  I have no clue.  It just is.  I have many escape routes from them – I’ll hide in the bathroom with a book or just my thoughts.  This is probably due to the stress, I’m sure most parents can relate.  But also I want to be a good example to them, and I just am not.  My greatest fear with my kids is that they will reject Christ and not only will they reject Him but it will be because of something I did, or did not do.  And closing my door to them is just one of those things that will cause this, ironic.

Lately we received a laptop as a gift and so I will hide in my bedroom with it and read blogs.  It is easier for me to share who I am with people I don’t know, my online friends and strangers, than it is for me to share these things with my family.  If my online friends don’t like it (or me) they can disappear with one click and I won’t even know it.  If my family doesn’t like it (me) I am crushed.

   

I do understand a little bit about why my door is closed to my teenager.  She is stronger than me.  Ever since she was born she has been in charge.  I am relaxed, layed back she is NOT.  Her dissatisfaction with  me has only grown with her years.  She will call me on every mistake I make.  It crushes me, it really does.  No, she shouldn’t be allowed to behave that way, but like I said, she is stronger than me and because of it I have allowed her to be unhappy.  My door is closed to her and it is so sad.  I want to hug her, tell her I love her, but when I do (and I do often) she says, “OK.” and pulls away. Not always, but she is in charge and she knows how to manipulate me.  Not what I thought homeschooling would do for us.  In recent years I have struggled with putting my foot down because I fear her rebellion against Christ.  I still have time to change all this, but it’s going to be an uphill journey.

Thanks to my husband I’ve already started the journey.  If it wasn’t for him I would never have started a blog with such gusto and with such honesty.  The love he has shown me is just a small glimpse of the love God has for all of us.  My husband is showing me this love is a tangible way, a way that I can understand. That love is allowing me to breath and live fully.  It has given me the confidence to tackle my life full force.  I am now able to love others because I am loved.  My door is opening.