DIS-ILLUSION-MENT: From Pain to Gain

This blog is about how disillusionment works, and how we can use its darkest moments to our advantage.

Disillusionment =

The loss of a state of illusion towards someone/something

We all have had times in our life where we thought we found the one lover of our lives... Just to find ourselves in a dramatic break-up and in tearing heartache, asking ourselves how we could have been so deceived being in love with such a person? He seemed so sweet and so real, with all his stories about traveling the world and marrying on some pristine island...

Disillusionment is a bad thing. Or at least something quite undesirable to encounter. Apparently so, for it makes you sad, confused and emotionally shook-up. And who, in his/her right mind, would want that right? It's ouchie ouchie no funnie boo.

But… what if it's actually a good thing really, seen from a different perspective? For apparently you have been living with some illusion in the first place, which you now have the ability to see through... With the effect of seeing things clearer, and with the result of having a more realistic perspective on the truth of things, of reality.

So is disillusionment then really that bad as it seems? ... Would you really prefer to continue living and believing in a distortion, ignorance or lie? What if we actually cherish and embrace our disillusionments rather than our (formerly) cherished illusions? What if... we flipped it around for a moment and experimented with the power of inversion?

Illusion -> Disillusionment

The pain coming from & with disillusionment is that a cherished belief is shattered. A belief in which we have invested truth-value and most likely other valuables like time, money, energy, emotion as well. The new state of disillusioned affairs can thus be confronting, harsh, unsettling, and leave a 'hole' so to speak.

Within this all, disillusionment can trigger a variety of reactions - for example:

Shame (e.g. one realizes one’s prior ‘blindness’, seeing how ‘ignorant’ one has been)
Regret (e.g. when realizing one's investment in something of ultimately such little worth)
Denial (not wanting to see the new reality, e.g. due to shame or shock)
Inner conflict (e.g. wanting to hold on to the old belief - which conflicts with reality)
A sense of loss (-> sadness)
Anger (towards self, the illusion or the disillusioning factor (e.g. people speaking truth))
Confusion / Overwhelm (not knowing how to cope with the new state of reality)
Melancholy (it felt better living in/with the illusion)

These states can form a basis for why one (secretly) wants to hold on to the illusionary belief, with the potential inclination of manipulating/distorting reality to make the belief ‘fit’ again to our previous ideas - of 'how it should be' as an extension of our desires. For a) we prefer to live in blissful ignorance rather than seeing the undeniable truth, and b) we prefer to stick to what we know and got accustomed to - preferring to avoid emotional pain and the unsettlement of being confronted with the unknown.

Disillusionment -> Self-Disillusionment

But there is another and more fundamental factor complicating the acceptance of our disillusionments; preventing us from embracing them as the insight-giving elements that they really are. And that is ... that we make it personal.

This means that being disproven in our beliefs makes us feel & think WE have been disproven, as human beings.

So: BELIEF DISPROVEN = WRONG BELIEF -> WE DISPROVEN = WE ARE 'WRONG'. This is because we have the tendency to equate our beliefs with who we are. Which is a problem.**

And as if this isn’t burdensome enough, we are dealt another 'humiliating' blow in the matter. For ‘being wrong’ is easily and readily associated with non-desirable personality characteristics as being 'bad', 'weak', 'dumb/ignorant', etc.

And not only that: as we were 'wrong' in our illusion we are being 'exposed’ (as 'wrong', 'misguided' etc.). And so we might very well feel vulnerable for, and a target of, criticism, diminishment, scorn etc.. It looks like we are in a very compromised position indeed, with people telling us horrible things like "I told you so" or "How could you have believed that by the beard of Zeus?!".

So, it all coming together, we get the following schema:

An idea/belief we have is disproven (the illusion is shown for what it is)
-> WE are disproven (in our ‘entirety’ – as complete human beings; not just the idea)
Disproven idea = wrong idea -> WE are wrong
Wrong = bad, weak, stupid etc.
-> WE = bad, weak, stupid etc. (+ being vulnerable for scorn, wisecracking etc.)
= PROBLEM!!

So it starts with having a disproven idea or belief, and ends with BEING 'bad', 'weak', 'dumb/ignorant' plus we are potentially exposed as 'not being perfect' while feeling vulnerable within it all. No wonder we don’t like being disproven and/or disillusioned! It sucks balls!!!

The Critical Reader

The critical reader might think: "Ho ho mister. That's all quite the drama you're portraying here. It surely isn't that bad is it?" Well, critical reader, let me be honest with you: often it actually is. Granted, there are people who admit they feel bad about themselves after seeing through their illusions, but many are not so aware and (self-)honest. We prefer to avoid seeing the truth of the matter.

For the fact is that we a) might not be fully aware of what happens inside of us (it happens largely subconsciously, and fast) and b) that we often suppress it all (i.e. denial) or immediately start shifting away the focus from ourselves toward others or the situation (i.e. externalization of responsibility, like with blame & excuses). And most of the time it's a + b at the same time.

And it actually happens a lot, in many 'small moments', as when we for example get into a heated debate about something that is 'right or wrong' - where we fight to be right in order to not be proven 'misguided', in order to keep believing in what we believe is true. For if what we think isn't true, we are wrong... With all the implied consequences described above.

So why does this happen? Because we don't like to be the target of some brutal self-honesty where we see our actual shit. We don't want all the abovementioned stuff befalling on our poor simple minds & souls. And, mind you, these processes are very fast - it can all be executed within a split second. That's automated subconscious programming for ya. So yes, this is most often how it works when you slow down the processes and get real with yourself. I know it has worked like that for me as well, and I am not going to lie about it.

From Pain to Gain

But and anyhow, bad as it might seem, we mustn’t forget that this all (i.e. the misplaced self-judgment of being dumb, weak etc.) is actually a hectic overreaction. For we must see and realize the reality that it was just an idea / belief that was incorrect, inaccurate or incomplete – which in itself doesn’t have to say anything particular about ourselves as who we are does it?

I mean, I have been wrong many times and have been severely disillusioned at multiple points in my life (especially in the field of love) --- but in the end I haven't come to the conclusion that I am ‘stupid’, ‘weak’ or ‘an idiot’ or something. I realize that exactly because of these ‘illusions’ and their respective ‘disillusionments’, I have been able to see through my mistakes and my misaligned beliefs. This has been a process that has made me wiser indeed, as the process of making me see that I who I was within my previous illusions has actually, now, given me the power of seeing and realizing what I could change for the better in my self- and world-perception. I.e. Disillusionment -> Self-Growth.

And although my disillusionments have provoked shame, regret, pain and (at times) hot tears, ultimately I am glad I have had them – for it made me see through some crap that needed seeing through.

So yes, we might be pained and ashamed by our disillusions and wrong beliefs but... Who HAS a perfect view on reality really? Can anyone take into consideration all the different perspectives and their consequent outcomes? Do you think that’s even possible? Let me reveal: none of us do. Not even the highest professor, prophet or phony. We are all selective in our perception and biased in one way or another. We'd better embrace that idea, and so forgive ourselves for being so hard and self-judgmental on ourselves when making a mistake of having a wrong idea. So it’s ok man, we all have it. Strengthen your character and open your vision and learn from your mistakes. Embrace your disillusionments in order to become all the wiser from them.

And yes, you might experience pain and confusion, but remember you are not dumb nor weak. You are human, and the human condition exists by definition of interpreting reality in a subjective (and thus limited) manner - that's just how it is. And so we all make mistakes and we all get misguided sometimes. It's nothing 'personal' in that sense. So learn from your mistakes whenever you can, and embrace your vulnerability in it - for in becoming vulnerable and in admitting your mistakes you have the chance to grow.

FIN

Note
** Although the breaking of illusions and disproving false beliefs is in itself (potentially) a very good and insightful thing – it is also really important to check how one rebuilds one’s view on reality after the disillusioning fact. For one could fool oneself quite easily to adopt a new view which is equally false. For example: after Annie had a dramatic break-up with her first boyfriend Bob she found out that love isn’t all roses and moonshine! And so she decided that, since Bob is a man and has proven himself an asshole, that all men are assholes. Therefore, it’s better to be a man-eating lesbian filled with contempt towards anything that has a penis. Not so good perhaps.

Equations & Systems

Stage I: Belief is Disproven

Start: Belief -> Reality (-> meaning: belief is falsely projected upon reality; i.e. seen as real when it is not)
Reality ≠ Belief (≠ meaning: reality shows the belief is inaccurate / false)
Reality > Belief (> meaning: reality-data poses the stronger 'argument', overruling the belief's ideas/inferences)
-> Belief = Disproven
-> Disillusionment (the loss of the belief + and having to face reality, one's own misconceptions and the consequences thereof)

Stage II: Disillusionment
Disproven = 4 x Loss = Pain & Confusion

Loss of (valued) object of illusion (e.g. lover, God, communism, Santa Claus)
Loss (of certainty) of ‘Truth’ / ‘Reality’ (-> heightened insecurity, fear of the unknown)
Loss of ‘Investment’ (e.g. time, money, energy that is invested into 'nothing')
Loss of Self-Esteem (i.e. Self-Disillusionment; see next stage)

Stage III: Self-Disillusionment

Belief Disproven = Self Disproven
Disproven = Wrong
Wrong = Bad, Ignorant, Dumb, Naïve etc.
-> Self = Bad, Ignorant, Dumb, Naïve etc.
& Vulnerable for criticism, scorn & 'being exposed'

That was it. Thank you for your attention and bye bye