The Human Toilet

Look at that. You see it? That picture up there, look at the state of me and it's only been one day!

We got our little bundle of joy home today from the hospital. The good lady too, which was smashing. Always the optimist, I had taken my daughter to the beer shop earlier to help me choose some funky beer. (Yes, I know this is ironic after yesterday's post.)

The day went well. Obviously having a baby as well as a four year old is a solid exercise in patience but we managed to work our way through it.

People had warned me of the perils of changing a baby boy's nappy. Like the arrogant fool I can be, I ignored them and their seeming twoddle.

Oh but how pride can strike even the greatest of us down. My first nappy of the day was one of the black tar monsters.

If you haven't changed a newborn's nappy before then let me enlighten you as to the joy of the first few days. Their poo is black. It's tarry and sticky and all in all a freaky nightmare to be confronted with.

That was fine though, swallowing my boak I carried on. In the back of my head was the thought of the beer I had bought. Perhaps I would do a Steemit beer post!

It wasn't long before the good lady informed me she could smell poo. I leapt to my feet and put my hands on my hips.

No worries lass, I live for this shit!

Ah, perhaps I spoke too soon.

I swiftly set about the wiping, my nappy ninja skills from the last time with my daughter returning with a vengeance. I was just about to close him up when he poo'd again. I huffed and set back to wiping that which had been wiped.

Then he peed, a veritable yellow old faithful fountaining all over my hand.

I swiftly wiped myself clean, this was nothing to The Master I thought.

All clean again, I hurried to close him up. Oh nooooo, too late! He oozed out another poo. It was like that bit at the start of Two Girls One Cup only it was black.

I started cleaning again. Only to be once more sprayed by the meaty mini-rifle of pee.

Finally, I finished and sealed him up. He was very contented. So contented he fell asleep on me.

Looks like there will be no beer and no beer post tonight.

Waaah, waaah, waaaaaa!!

_{That's me, not the baby crying!}